Witty Rants

3 Years of Tiers and Tears

First off, let me just say this. CAKE IS NOT "EASY AS CAKE". Whoever said that- fuck her. Or him. Cake is straight up HARDCORE mafia-level serious business. Not only is it an art, but it's a science. Every little detail matters. Whether or not you sifted your flour, what kind of flour you use,… Continue reading 3 Years of Tiers and Tears

Witty Rants

The Giddy Thief

I've been holding off on posting my next masterpiece emotional disaster because I really want to work on something strategically funny and upbeat, as opposed to another depressing neverending rant from hell. So I've been waiting patiently to get my giddy back. Because I'm bored of being like, this angry pandemoniac raging beast anxious mommy… Continue reading The Giddy Thief

Deep Rants, Witty Rants

The Cracked-Out-Unicorn That Could. or Couldn’t. Whatever.

Lately? It's like I'm either a cracked-out-unicorn pooping glitter and vomiting sunshine or an over-sedated, insomniac, depressed-about-being-depressed-about not-knowing-what-he's-depressed-about Eeyore (if you don't know who Eeyore is, we can't be friends. Good day sirs and ma'ms). Either way I'm some kind of horse, apparently. So that's just peachy. Unicorn or Eeyore. Horse or horse. (Shut up… Continue reading The Cracked-Out-Unicorn That Could. or Couldn’t. Whatever.

Witty Rants

Write & Let Write. Don’t be a DICK.

I'm not ignorant. At least not most of the time. Like except when people who claim to be family or friends or people who "care" give me "healthy" advice like "Starbucks is too expensive you should really consider cutting back." Whhhatt??! How fucking DARE you! You know NOTHING. You are NOTHING! :::slurping noises from my… Continue reading Write & Let Write. Don’t be a DICK.

Witty Rants

The Book Of Ely

I'm a stubborn bitch person woman bitch- always go with your first instincts, boys and girls and never delete your first multiple choice answers on exams and when in doubt always choose "C"- ok. Let's try this again. ...With the delusional exception of winning a multi-million dollar lottery that I've never even purchased a ticket… Continue reading The Book Of Ely

Deep Into The Foxhole, Witty Rants

New Year, Same Fuckeries

Brace yo-selves. It's almost 20-18. And you know what that means. Sigh. Yes ya'll. It means all shape and form of social media will overfloweth with unimpressive, cliché AF, "New year NEW ME" resolution-fuckeries. 99.999999999% of which? Are all?...(ding ding DING!!) fitness goals. Mind you, bitches were just shoving bottomless plates of pork, rice, beans,… Continue reading New Year, Same Fuckeries

Witty Rants

Happy Hybrid-Wild-Gooseduck Day!

Okay FIRST of all? The whole idealism of "Thanksgiving" is a fucking sham. (Oh! Well then! Hi there Ely. Welcome back?) Friends? It's time we gathered 'round the table-o-truth here because we need to have a serious adultish talk. There's really no easy way to say this but- we have been DECEIVED! We done been… Continue reading Happy Hybrid-Wild-Gooseduck Day!

Soul-Searching Rants

To Every Stella Out There Right Now.

Your first thought: Who is this "Stella" and I mean..how many of them are there? Hmm...'cause I know zero Stellas except that one chick from the movie with the badass braids and muscle for days!     And I obviously know you thought this 'cause I'm psychic. And come to think of it I forgot to… Continue reading To Every Stella Out There Right Now.

Lifestyle Rants, Soul-Searching Rants

Fearless and Fabulous

Fun fact: I am a geek who is obsessed with books! Above all, I am addicted to inspirational, humorous, sassy, real life type of books and I am so glad I ordered this little gem on Amazon! Cara is a self-made life coaching piece of human sass who started as just the blogger behind thechampagnediet.com… Continue reading Fearless and Fabulous

Soul-Searching Rants

There’s NO Giving Up at 30!

My balls have shriveled up when it comes to my writing. The fact that I haven't written a single word in I don't even know HOW long is not only embarrassing, it is physically debilitating. It's like someone shanked me in the gut with a thick shard of glass and dug their way through my… Continue reading There’s NO Giving Up at 30!