When I started blogging again towards the end of June last year- PS: I totally missed my re-bloggaversary, but I'm still accepting gifts and trophies and any kind of attention that doesn't require me to be seen or touched or directly spoken to- I sort of made an unspoken pact to leave my kids out… Continue reading Low-Key Badass Parenting
This morning was...just off. I was up at 4 a.m. tossing and turning, unable to get back to sleep. Wierd, because I'm the absolute worst kind of deep sleeper. Despite my innermost drama and the fact that I have all this miscellaneous junk floating around my mind at any given time, for as long as… Continue reading Let Go and Let August
For the past week I've been digging for some light-hearted rantspiration because I feel as if I'm constantly like damn girl, why you gotta be so dark all the time though? Lighten up yo. Except I haven't used the word "yo" since I was 12 when I also used to force my handwriting to resemble… Continue reading Confessions of a Broken Bride
If you follow my Instagram account then you would already know that my son is back at the fighting gym and is now on the "blue team". No later than 2 days after having sent that email, (if you are completely lost that's cool you can read it here) I received this response: Hi Ely,… Continue reading UPDATE!!!! re: “An Unhappy Mom With Things To Say”
"Hi! I'm Ely... the stepmom!" [insert fake smile] "Welcome! Oh this must be... [insert pause while I fake-patiently await oversized raging hormonal pre-teen number 37's name. Also- what the hell are these kids eating? Are they all on steroids?! They're giants! 6 foot tall little boys and 12 year old girls on their periods everywhere… Continue reading The Coolest Flocking Flamingle Like EVER.
Word for word. That's how I graced the subject line of the e-rant that I just electronically shipped to the manager of the gym where my son has been receiving mixed martial arts training for the past 3 months.You already know that this title was well fucking calculated. I'm sure this guy gets TONS of… Continue reading An Unhappy Mom With Things To Say
I don't know if it may be that Mother Nature is having a hormonal tantrum, or if perhaps global warming is to blame, or if there was like a catastrophic sperm-storm that hit every other uterus here in Miami and who knows where I was (thank God) but literally, I feel like I'm being ambushed… Continue reading The Results Are In. Facebook… You ARE The Mother
First off, let me just say this. CAKE IS NOT "EASY AS CAKE". Whoever said that- fuck her. Or him. Cake is straight up HARDCORE mafia-level serious business. Not only is it an art, but it's a science. Every little detail matters. Whether or not you sifted your flour, what kind of flour you use,… Continue reading 3 Years of Tiers and Tears
Lately? It's like I'm either a cracked-out-unicorn pooping glitter and vomiting sunshine or an over-sedated, insomniac, depressed-about-being-depressed-about not-knowing-what-he's-depressed-about Eeyore (if you don't know who Eeyore is, we can't be friends. Good day sirs and ma'ms). Either way I'm some kind of horse, apparently. So that's just peachy. Unicorn or Eeyore. Horse or horse. (Shut up… Continue reading The Cracked-Out-Unicorn That Could. or Couldn’t. Whatever.
Dearest SuperCunt Stylist; You don't know me. Not personally at least. We shared 15 minutes of mostly awkward time together and exchanged a few forced words that served to slay the dragon-sized silence that filled the space between us. But don't you worry because I'm confident that by the end of this letter you will… Continue reading Little Letters To Astronomical Assholes: SuperCunt Stylist