Witty Rants

Left Boob Bitchings: The Sequel

Let's not even beat around the bush here. I've got a rant. And I'm all giddy and flusterfucked about it....yet at the same time, not really. An odd concoction of emotions, right?! But also? There needs to be some tangy, fruity alcoholic drink named The Giddy Flusterfuck or just, The Ely. That'll get you drunk… Continue reading Left Boob Bitchings: The Sequel

Witty Rants

Hello Emotional Instability?… It’s Me… Ely. I Miss You.

These past few weeks. Man. Guys. Ladies? Children of all ages? (Here the fuck we go...let the circus of words begin!) I Just have to tell you. But first I just have to tell you that this isn't a rap song or a poem. I'm just pacing myself here so that I can somehow try… Continue reading Hello Emotional Instability?… It’s Me… Ely. I Miss You.

Health/Beauty/Fitness/Dieting Rants, Humor, Witty Rants

What The Health Is Goin’ On Here?!

Hiiiii!!!! If you're wondering if I'm THIS obnoxious in person, the answer is YES, yes I am. And if you're wondering if this post is going to be a rant about that documentary "What the Health?" the answer is no, no it's not. But since I'm already in so deep anyways, let me just say… Continue reading What The Health Is Goin’ On Here?!

Letters, Witty Rants

The Break-Up Letter of the Century

Dear Starbucks; Sigh. Hey sexy. It's me. I know I know! You've been worried about me. Another year vanished into non-existence and a new year has graced us and yet, you haven't seen or heard from me in a good 2, going on 3 weeks now? Geez. Did you wonder if I was dead by… Continue reading The Break-Up Letter of the Century

Deep Rants, Soul-Searching Rants

The Lonely Rose: The Birth of A Writer

It was my second grade year. Banyan Elementary School. I still live close by and it never fails- the tiny little blondish see-through hairs on my arms stand up every time I pass the small school yard that once seemed to stretch further than the Pacific Ocean. And every single time, I think of that… Continue reading The Lonely Rose: The Birth of A Writer

Humor, Lifestyle Rants, Witty Rants

Thirsty-For-A-Rant-Thursday: A Biblical Boob Bitching

It's Thirsty Thursday ya'll! Who's thirsty for a rant?! [Confession] I admit it. I just made this Thursday thing up in light of my horrid time management skills because this post was supposed to be ready for WTF is on yo mind Wednesday but that clearly didn't happen and rants can't just marinate on the… Continue reading Thirsty-For-A-Rant-Thursday: A Biblical Boob Bitching

Witty Rants

In Which I Consider Selling My Son To The Black Market

When I was pregnant with my son, I felt like I was floating on a marshmallow cloud of motherly bliss. I had already been blessed with my perfect little princess and I also had a beautiful stepdaughter but I wanted my handsome little prince more than anything I had ever wanted in my life. Life… Continue reading In Which I Consider Selling My Son To The Black Market

Humor, In Which I List The Things, Witty Rants

If You Love These “Trends” We Can’t Be Friends. Or maybe We Just Need Some Time To Re-Evaluate Our “Friendship”.

Stiletto Shaped Nails WHY do your nails look like weapons? Is this even legal? Are you allowed on airplanes or inside of bars? First of all I'm terrified of you and secondly, I question your ability to properly wipe your own ass. I'm sorry. But I do. I have doubts. I don't even want to… Continue reading If You Love These “Trends” We Can’t Be Friends. Or maybe We Just Need Some Time To Re-Evaluate Our “Friendship”.

Deep Into The Foxhole, Humor, Lifestyle Rants, Money Rants, Soul-Searching Rants, Witty Rants

Preach On, Preachy Preachin’ Preacher!

Ok first of all? I know a lot about life. When people open their souls to me and tell me their struggles (may the Lort (that wasn't a typo) be with them) I'm always thinking to myself meh. Been there done that bought the t-shirt, the mug, the keychain, and the bumper sticker. What else… Continue reading Preach On, Preachy Preachin’ Preacher!

Deep Into The Foxhole, Lifestyle Rants, Soul-Searching Rants, Witty Rants

The Evolution of “More”

There are, roughly one trillion and sixty three point eight thoughts rough drafts titled "How To Rule The Universe" just ricocheting around my brain this evening like a maniacal frenzy of 1,000,000,000,063.8 invisible rubber bullets. "Typical Ely...so extra." You say with a subtle, but still noticeable roll of eyes. "Granted." I respond, wearing a half-smirk… Continue reading The Evolution of “More”