Dear. EVERY. single. person. on. this. planet. with. electricity. hot water. and. a. normal. life. right. the. fuck. now: And believe me when I say, this is not me being all cute and snarky and "Awe, the Fox is harmless! She's just being her sarcastic awesome self, you really can't take her serious"... NO! You… Continue reading ELEVEN.
Negative-Naomi, Pessimistic-Peggy, and Temperamental-Tricia were in town today and the Trifling-Trio decided they'd each stab a straw into my soul and slurp it out of me, kind of like how the witches from Hocus Pocus did to kids you know? But without straws because they had magic and well yea, like THAT. Luckily, my toxically sweet soul… Continue reading She. Who Will NOT Be Tamed…
No. Not you Blue's Clue's Steve. But I'm not done with you yet (apparently). Seriously Karina, you just made me question half of my existence. Is this the twilight zone as fuck or what? Guys. Steve isn't even dead? And then I went and actually looked this up and I'm baffled. Like how did I… Continue reading Dear Steve;
If I had a penny for every single time I've whispered "what the FUCK" to myself by the end of any day- I'd be rich. I'd be able to pay off my credit cards. I'd be able to half-ass-afford my own Starbucks addiction without willingly overdrawing my bank account-I don't think you've been… Continue reading In Which I Layer Rants On Rants To Make A Rantwich and Then Sprinkle it With A Dash of Rant and Add a Side Of Ranting.
If there were a way to capture a screenshot of what's happening inside of my fucking head right now, I'm positive it would be immediately flagged as inappropriate content and banned by whoever those prick-people are who have actual jobs judging what gets banned from social media. It would look like a fucking battlefield-except there… Continue reading WeekEND
You know that one time when I was all like "Fuck you Universe and your lemons because I'm a boss and if I want apples then you best buh-lieve I'm getting some juicy apples bitch"? Who even ARE you Elizabeth?! Well let me tell you what's been happening. You see, I've been desperately trying to… Continue reading In Which I Rant SO Incessantly That I’m Not EVEN SURE How to Title, Categorize, or Tag The Rant.
Where's my fucking coffee?!
It's no secret. I'm shameless. I was brought into this world with one missing section of the brain: the one that helps process and filter words and emotions before they get sent to the vocal cords. Or the fingertips. It's no longer a secret that I had a less-than-blissful childhood. Many friends have reached out… Continue reading Black Glitter
I actually left work early today. Halle-fucken-luyah! Maybe...I told myself...just MAYBE my kids won't eat Burger King, Mac-n-Cheese, or cold hotdogs and chocolate chip cookies for dinner! A few minutes before I gathered my life back into my oversized bag, I sat at my desk listening to Rihanna complaining about collecting money from some bitch… Continue reading Vortex of Funk