It was my second grade year. Banyan Elementary School. I still live close by and it never fails- the tiny little blondish see-through hairs on my arms stand up every time I pass the small school yard that once seemed to stretch further than the Pacific Ocean. And every single time, I think of that… Continue reading The Lonely Rose: The Birth of A Writer
For the past few weeks I've been digging deep for more light-hearted, funnier-ish, look-at-me-I'm-not-always-a-dark-sociopath content. Besides the two victims whom I wished explosive diarrhea upon (I'm sure it was justified), I think I've been doing ok-ish. Give me some credit. It's so tough. It's tough trying to aim for this positive, bright, encouraging, forever-witty, entertaining… Continue reading Lost, Frightened Puppy. Does Not Understand SEO’s or Adwords.
It's Thirsty Thursday ya'll! Who's thirsty for a rant?! [Confession] I admit it. I just made this Thursday thing up in light of my horrid time management skills because this post was supposed to be ready for WTF is on yo mind Wednesday but that clearly didn't happen and rants can't just marinate on the… Continue reading Thirsty-For-A-Rant-Thursday: A Biblical Boob Bitching
Ok first of all? I know a lot about life. When people open their souls to me and tell me their struggles (may the Lort (that wasn't a typo) be with them) I'm always thinking to myself meh. Been there done that bought the t-shirt, the mug, the keychain, and the bumper sticker. What else… Continue reading Preach On, Preachy Preachin’ Preacher!
It's almost official- I'm still working on it- but I've started my side-hustle web and blog. I've done a lot of mental back and forth with this site- not knowing what approach to take- and then it hit me. There's no approach. Just be your fucking self, and do the damn things. Here's my first… Continue reading The CEO of Keepin it Real
This post is purely an excuse to (further) show off my first cake for the summer of 2018! I mean am I kidding myself right now?! Look at this masterpiece! I did this! Me! What?! Somebody pinch me! How did I get this far?! And even still, I have so much to improve on and… Continue reading Hello, Summer!
Can anyone here tell me what is lacking in this world more right now more than ever? Oh you're all so eager to answer this question! Alright alright now, settle down kids. Hmm let me seeee...eeny meenie miny.... Michael! Michael is the underdeveloped brown-nosing nerdy kid always sitting in the first row. He tries too… Continue reading Lectures With Dr. Fox, PhD in Rantology
"Hi! I'm Ely... the stepmom!" [insert fake smile] "Welcome! Oh this must be... [insert pause while I fake-patiently await oversized raging hormonal pre-teen number 37's name. Also- what the hell are these kids eating? Are they all on steroids?! They're giants! 6 foot tall little boys and 12 year old girls on their periods everywhere… Continue reading The Coolest Flocking Flamingle Like EVER.
I am a lot of things. I won't list said "things" because I could be here all damn day hitting you with an epic "about me" essay, but obviously one of the main things I am is a shameless over-sharer. Let's face it, I'm a fan of talking about myself and of my life- the… Continue reading To be.
I consider myself to be a bit of an oddity. I am super fucking weird. Seriously, there are some quirks and things about me that make zero sense, whatsofuckenever. Take this ridiculous and wasteful habit of mines for instance: What the hell is that you say? Oh you know. A photo. That would be my… Continue reading Confessions of a Paper Clip Slayer