Dear Santa; Sigh. Level with me jolly old man. Pull up a chair. Get comfy. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Treat yo-self. Here...have a freshly purchased Walmart cookie with all the merry green and joyful red sprinkles and a hot cup of microwaved instant hot chocolate with extra tiny little marshmallows (I… Continue reading A Not-So-Merry Message For The Fat King of The North
[This isn't going to be your preferred Monday type of inspirational or funny read... I apologize for that right now. But I just needed to get these words off my chest and I promise to keep it moving after this. I figured maybe there would be a light at the end of this... I'm still… Continue reading Tsunamis
It was my second grade year. Banyan Elementary School. I still live close by and it never fails- the tiny little blondish see-through hairs on my arms stand up every time I pass the small school yard that once seemed to stretch further than the Pacific Ocean. And every single time, I think of that… Continue reading The Lonely Rose: The Birth of A Writer
For the past few weeks I've been digging deep for more light-hearted, funnier-ish, look-at-me-I'm-not-always-a-dark-sociopath content. Besides the two victims whom I wished explosive diarrhea upon (I'm sure it was justified), I think I've been doing ok-ish. Give me some credit. It's so tough. It's tough trying to aim for this positive, bright, encouraging, forever-witty, entertaining… Continue reading Lost, Frightened Puppy. Does Not Understand SEO’s or Adwords.
Dearest Mrs Ms. (...there's no way anyone on this planet in their right mind could ever possibly marry such a moron. Then again someone married Trump) Cunty-Cutter-in-a-Camry; Oh hi! 'Member me? Oh silly me. Where have my manners gone?! Of course ya don't Cunty! We haven't actually been formally introduced! Well.. I know who you… Continue reading Little Letters To Astronomical Assholes: Cunty-Cutter-In-A-Camry
Because my thanksgiving feels are no different than they were last year and this post is still just as awesome and on point as it was last year. And because it’s a second chance for those who skipped it or weren’t around last year! You’re welcome!
Okay FIRST of all? The whole idealism of “Thanksgiving” is a fucking sham. (Oh! Well then! Hi there Ely. Welcome back?)
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It's Thirsty Thursday ya'll! Who's thirsty for a rant?! [Confession] I admit it. I just made this Thursday thing up in light of my horrid time management skills because this post was supposed to be ready for WTF is on yo mind Wednesday but that clearly didn't happen and rants can't just marinate on the… Continue reading Thirsty-For-A-Rant-Thursday: A Biblical Boob Bitching
When I was pregnant with my son, I felt like I was floating on a marshmallow cloud of motherly bliss. I had already been blessed with my perfect little princess and I also had a beautiful stepdaughter but I wanted my handsome little prince more than anything I had ever wanted in my life. Life… Continue reading In Which I Consider Selling My Son To The Black Market
I planned on keeping these posts in list-format, but I'll make some particular exceptions if there is a more specific thing to rant about on any given Wednesday. I think I'll just go with the flow and with whatever I'm feeling. Also? How impressed are you? 3 weeks in row?! That's typically not even how… Continue reading WTF-Is-On-Yo-Mind-THURSDAY-Because-I-Have-A-Solid-Excuse-For-Skipping-Wednesday
Stiletto Shaped Nails WHY do your nails look like weapons? Is this even legal? Are you allowed on airplanes or inside of bars? First of all I'm terrified of you and secondly, I question your ability to properly wipe your own ass. I'm sorry. But I do. I have doubts. I don't even want to… Continue reading If You Love These “Trends” We Can’t Be Friends. Or maybe We Just Need Some Time To Re-Evaluate Our “Friendship”.