Witty Rants

Left Boob Bitchings: The Sequel

Let's not even beat around the bush here. I've got a rant. And I'm all giddy and flusterfucked about it....yet at the same time, not really. An odd concoction of emotions, right?! But also? There needs to be some tangy, fruity alcoholic drink named The Giddy Flusterfuck or just, The Ely. That'll get you drunk… Continue reading Left Boob Bitchings: The Sequel

Witty Rants

Hello Emotional Instability?… It’s Me… Ely. I Miss You.

These past few weeks. Man. Guys. Ladies? Children of all ages? (Here the fuck we go...let the circus of words begin!) I Just have to tell you. But first I just have to tell you that this isn't a rap song or a poem. I'm just pacing myself here so that I can somehow try… Continue reading Hello Emotional Instability?… It’s Me… Ely. I Miss You.

Health/Beauty/Fitness/Dieting Rants, Humor, Witty Rants

What The Health Is Goin’ On Here?!

Hiiiii!!!! If you're wondering if I'm THIS obnoxious in person, the answer is YES, yes I am. And if you're wondering if this post is going to be a rant about that documentary "What the Health?" the answer is no, no it's not. But since I'm already in so deep anyways, let me just say… Continue reading What The Health Is Goin’ On Here?!

Humor, Witty Rants

Bleach Happens

This past weekend was a surprisingly relaxed and down-to-Earth, backyard-BBQ-with-the-fam, rollerblade around the block with the kids, and just chill type of weekend. No cake orders. No devices, overly needy children nor alarms to wake me up in the mornings. No impossible house chores to tackle. Seriously. It was just- a stand-up, exemplary, suit-wearing, chivalrous… Continue reading Bleach Happens

Letters, Witty Rants

The Break-Up Letter of the Century

Dear Starbucks; Sigh. Hey sexy. It's me. I know I know! You've been worried about me. Another year vanished into non-existence and a new year has graced us and yet, you haven't seen or heard from me in a good 2, going on 3 weeks now? Geez. Did you wonder if I was dead by… Continue reading The Break-Up Letter of the Century

Humor, Letters, Witty Rants

A Not-So-Merry Message For The Fat King of The North

Dear Santa; Sigh. Level with me jolly old man. Pull up a chair. Get comfy. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Treat yo-self. Here...have a freshly purchased Walmart cookie with all the merry green and joyful red sprinkles and a hot cup of microwaved instant hot chocolate with extra tiny little marshmallows (I… Continue reading A Not-So-Merry Message For The Fat King of The North

Witty Rants

Tsunamis

[This isn't going to be your preferred Monday type of inspirational or funny read... I apologize for that right now. But I just needed to get these words off my chest and I promise to keep it moving after this. I figured maybe there would be a light at the end of this... I'm still… Continue reading Tsunamis

Humor, Letters, Witty Rants

Little Letters To Astronomical Assholes: Cunty-Cutter-In-A-Camry

Dearest Mrs Ms. (...there's no way anyone on this planet in their right mind could ever possibly marry such a moron. Then again someone married Trump) Cunty-Cutter-in-a-Camry; Oh hi! 'Member me? Oh silly me. Where have my manners gone?! Of course ya don't Cunty! We haven't actually been formally introduced! Well.. I know who you… Continue reading Little Letters To Astronomical Assholes: Cunty-Cutter-In-A-Camry

Witty Rants

REPOST: Happy Hybrid-Wild-Gooseduck Day: A Thanksgiving Rant

Because my thanksgiving feels are no different than they were last year and this post is still just as awesome and on point as it was last year. And because it’s a second chance for those who skipped it or weren’t around last year! You’re welcome!

SGNF

Okay FIRST of all? The whole idealism of “Thanksgiving” is a fucking sham. (Oh! Well then! Hi there Ely. Welcome back?)

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Humor, Lifestyle Rants, Witty Rants

Thirsty-For-A-Rant-Thursday: A Biblical Boob Bitching

It's Thirsty Thursday ya'll! Who's thirsty for a rant?! [Confession] I admit it. I just made this Thursday thing up in light of my horrid time management skills because this post was supposed to be ready for WTF is on yo mind Wednesday but that clearly didn't happen and rants can't just marinate on the… Continue reading Thirsty-For-A-Rant-Thursday: A Biblical Boob Bitching