Deep Rants, Soul-Searching Rants

Free Fallin’

It’s not even worth having a discussion about anymore. We all know 2020 has been one of those fucking nightmares- you know the one- the one where you’re suddenly falling from some immeasurable height (Though you’re never really sure how you fell… like did you trip over a rock at the edge of a cliff while on vacation? Did one of your haters push you? Did you get tossed off an airplane by the mafia because you witnessed a murder? WHY do we never know how or why the fuck we’re randomly free-falling when we have this particular nightmare?! I have questions, Sandman!) and then right before you’re about to slam into the ground, BAM! You wake up.

Except in the 2020 version of the reality-nightmare, none of us ever fucking woke up. We hit the ground and we probably all died and are stuck in another dimension somewhere between heaven and hell (Earth, duh) lost & confused, bitching about racism, politics, paper-straws, and Cardi B., but none of that shit actually matters when you’re a ghost which is what makes it all so great because we haven’t figured out we’re ghosts yet. Ha!

If that didn’t mind-fuck you I don’t know WHAT will. That’s right people: welcome to episode 2020 of LOST. And well, if after this whole wasted reference, you feel legitimately LOST, then I guess you’ll eventually either figure out that you’re a ghost along with the rest of us or you’ll binge-watch the series and hate me for the rest of your life (or afterlife? insert creepy background music here: _________) Alright I’m done with that. I promise.

To tie things up in the most beautiful of knots, rumor has it that it’s officially Fall!? Am I hearing shit correctly? Ok Susan, you don’t have to roll your eyes. We all know I have a hearing problem, that’s not what I- fuck you get out of my blog Susan. So, FALL? What the fuck is happening?

My favorite time of the year is here, and here I’ve been, la-dee-da, belligerently bitching about the new “sippy cup” tops on my Starbucks drinks:

having mental breakdowns, and spending my money on candles to force my house to smell clean so that I don’t have to get up and clean it- and FALL has begun without me. What a travesty bro. By this time last year, my home already looked and felt like a haunted house too scary for kids to live in. Halloween is my Christmas. No, no I don’t woship the dev- Susan… get the FUCK outta..ok that’s it. I’m calling in the WordPress officials to have this bitch escorted. (I know the rest of you are thinking I should be on meds instead, and that’ll probably get rid of “Susan” but it’s not that kind of Susan, don’t fret, Bret.

Anyways. Let me tell you…while I firmly stand behind my theories that the concept of “Pumpkin-Spiced” anything was carefully crafted by the illuminati to end the human race- I obsess over the milder-summers that Fall brings to Miami and also, it’s my birthday month bitches! Am I ecstatic over turning 35 mid-pandemic? Abso-fucken-lutely! Listen, I was anti-social before this shit-show so any excuse NOT to play dress up and suffer in high-heels is enough of a fucking party for me baby! And you know, I love my birthday, but I don’t feel much about “35”. Some may think that’s some kind of milestone, (as if I finally learned to crawl), but the truth is- I’m still not even done learning how to crawl, lol. <– I hate “lol-ing” in a blog post but I am legitimately laughing at myself. I can’t stop laughing. LOL!

Fact of the matter is, I’m STILL a hot mess. But it’s a higher-level of hot messes. Like, in my 20’s- I couldn’t pay my bills on time, and I ran out of gas in my mediocre car all the time because I didn’t wanna spend money on gas (stupid concept right? Like I have CLOTHES to buy, assholes!) and I had toddlers so it was hard to get everything done. In my 30’s it’s more like, I HAVE the money. I’m just too lazy to pay shit. I have a beautiful car. I just refuse to get off at a gas station to put gas because, well, there are people there. And my kids are super independent but like, I need them to go get jobs and pay half the mortgage. Shit like that. LOL ok I’m fucking laughing at myself again. I’m the shittiest human alive. LOL.

No but on a serious note. It’s Fall and the world is fallin’ apart. Let’s hope we aren’t all dead and ghosts because that would mean I died a hot mess and I’m eternally fucked with these Starbucks sippy cups. SERIOUSLY, Starbucks. SERIOUSLY.

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