Have you ever felt…trapped? Trapped by yourself, trapped by others, trapped by your circumstances, trapped by your fears and your inhibitions, trapped by nothing that you didn’t create for yourself to begin with? I feel fucking trapped. And I can finally at least say it or write it “out loud” without giving a damn about what people may think anymore. I’m over it. I’m done pretending to be things I don’t even wanna fucking be anymore and not being the things I wanna be, y’all.
This seed was planted in me a long time ago and with time, sprouted and began to spread and wrap itself around my soul like a venomous, evil grapevine from hell. Maybe it was more like a cancerous growth or an infection. Yea. You know? Or like some “minor” sickness that wasn’t taken too seriously and you sort of wait for it resolve or weaken on its own. But for me…suddenly the sickness festered like a fatal infection in my blood and it’s literally killing me slowly inside.
What’s worse is that as of a few weeks ago I was at least still able to fake the funk. But not anymore. My lack of interest and unhappiness is manifesting and people are or will soon begin to notice. I officially have zero willpower left in me to be fake or silent about my needs and my wants at this point in my life. I will disappoint some people in my life who saw a different future for me. For sure. But not more than I’ve already disappointed myself for not believing in me enough to make boss moves in my life.
But what happened Ely?!
Yea I’ve been asking myself the same question for weeks now and I’ve finally also stopped being afraid of the obvious answer that I’ve been denying: I’m exhausted of giving 30% of my energy to my life and my dreams and my family and giving 70% to someone else’s life and someone else’s dreams and someone else’s family.
Coincidentally, this morning one of my Instagram followers sent me a link to a YouTube video which was a phenomenal inspirational speech by Jim Rohn and honestly, I think this video changed my life. Trust me, had I been feeling sassier and in one of my rap-thug-music modes I would’ve rolled my eyes and been like “so fucking corny” and kept it movin’, but I decided to give it a shot and honestly, I have no regrets.
Here’s the link, I highly recommend it! Jim Rohn Motivational Speaker
After listening to this through my morning commute, I sat back and the painful realization started to sink in. I’ve been working since I was 17 years old, towards helping random strangers grow and prosper and conquer their wildest dreams. And then it just hit me like a sucker punch in the gut: But what about my fucking wild dreams?! What about ME?! When will the time come for ME to shine and to grow and to prosper? Well. It won’t happen with someone else’s signatures on my checks. It won’t happen by being afraid of getting written up for being late despite the almost 2-hour commute that you force yourself to take every single day. It won’t happen by following someone else’s agenda, and surely not by someone else’s controlling how all of your valuable time is used day after day after day… and that’s the hard fucking truth.
I’m 33 and I want my financial independence. I want to start living the life I only ever dreamed of when I was a child. I’m blessed and I’m grateful for everything that I have and that I’ve accomplished. I truly am. But I’m still in a constant struggle between dedicating myself to a day job following someone else’s rules and bullshit, and dedicating myself to my life goals and my passions. I thought I could be the Wonder Woman of all mom-hustlers and just find some kind of comfy balance between my day job and my night-hustles but what about my kids and my husband and my unkept home and my desire to continue to write and aspire to self-publish a book filled with all of my mental fuckery? What about my spiritual and physical health? Where is the TIME in a day to juggle all of the things? It’s not humanly possible anymore. And I’m stupid to have ever thought I could literally do it all.
There is nowhere near enough time and it’s just not fucking fair, to try to kill my self to fulfill my dreams and an already-rich CEO’s dreams. I’m not insinuating any negativity towards my day job. I’ve always been obsessed with my work and I’m deeply inspired by the young, self-made CEO of my company. But after 6 years, I realize that I want to be that guy. I want to be the Queen Bee someday but let’s face it, I’m just a worker bee and a worker bee lives and dies, a worker bee. I ain’t going down like that, homie. I am, in all of my madness, a fucking boss despite my lack of certain strategic business knowledge but there’s nothing I can’t and won’t learn and conquer, given the time and space to do so.
So now what Ely? You’ve made your point. But you’ve beat around the bush. What do you actually fucking want?
I want to stop doubting myself and stop fearing for myself and I just wanna jump. I wanna air-dive into my life.
You ask: But what if you fall?
If the fall doesn’t kill me, it can only make me stronger. I’ll get back on my feet and I’ll jump a-fucking-gain even if the wounds are still healing.
Now I ask: But what if I FLY?!
I will. I will fly and I will soar. Maybe not in the beginning but I will no longer fear stepping out of my comfort zone. I have to try! I have to! There’s no going back at this point. I’m just stubborn that way.
I feel so much better now that I’ve put this out into the Universe- by the way, are you listening, Universe?! Get your shit together and help a sister out here.
Sure. I may just be a worker bee. But I’ll be the first worker bee to turn herself into a fucking queen. I will conquer my life and I will be the boss of me.
I don’t know where or how to even begin with all the plans and ideas ricocheting inside of my brain right now, it’s overwhelming to be honest. So I’m going to take baby steps, by starting out with a simple list of goals, to-do’s, and some time dedicated to research.
If any of you have ever taken the leap away from working for someone else, to working for yourself, any advice or inspirational success stories would be highly appreciated. I can use all the encouragement I can get towards making this happen for myself.