Letters, Witty Rants

The Break-Up Letter of the Century

Dear Starbucks;

Sigh. Hey sexy. It’s me.

I know I know! You’ve been worried about me. Another year vanished into non-existence and a new year has graced us and yet, you haven’t seen or heard from me in a good 2, going on 3 weeks now? Geez. Did you wonder if I was dead by now? Well, I’m sorry sweet stuff but hey listen, I’m here! I mean. I haven’t had my daily venti caramel macchiatos and strawberry acai lemonades but hey…I’m alive.

You know, I’ve been thinking about us. About you and I (me and you? you and me? Whatever. Fuck the rules and long live the rebels amiright?) and do you even know how long it’s been now since our stars aligned and the universe brought us together like two magnets floating aimlessly through outer space? Do you even know, bro?

14 YEARS. Man. Talk about love at first sip right?

We’ve been through so much together! I remember the very first time I walked inside of you. (Ok that sounds really rough, and totally unromantic…I should’ve taken you out to dinner first right? Chivalry is dead as hell, my apologies). Your smell, your dim-lighted ambiance, the rustic decor, the hip music gently bouncing off the walls and filling the space between us, the otherworldly friendly faces behind the counters…left me in a caffeinated trance and I was never the same after that moment.

And then I had a sip of your $5.10, 400+ calorie infused caramel macchiato and well, that was that. You stole my heart indefinitely, wrapped it in chains, and locked it up. I became exclusively yours. Except those few times I was unfaithful with Dunkin Donuts and that fancy coffee contraption that was gifted to me by a home wrecker who was clearly trying to sever our re-latte-tionship, but we both know it didn’t work out with any other coffee shops or machines. It was always you, Starbucks. It was always you. Come now, let’s cuddle.

Seriously though? You know, before you- I had a history of a caffeine addiction. It was a pre-existing condition which I was genetically predisposed to. I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but it sounded super legit. And I’m too legit to quit. Oh my God what is happening.

My love for coffee sparked when I was just a tiny 2 years old. TWO! What?! I know! You see, Cuban grandmas have a tendency to not know any better than to sit their grandkids up on the kitchen counters next to them as they prepare their Cuban espresso shots with foam (or coladas) every morning like clockwork. So naturally grandma assigned me my own special little espresso cup in which she would pour a bit of hers every morning for me to “taste”. And naturally, tasting turned to full consumption in no time. I’m pretty sure I was 2 and waking up like “OK bitch but first, where’s my fucking coffee… we can do this diaper change and milk thing later, k?! K.”

But even considering my history with coffee, it was still. always. YOU. It was you who helped me stay up overnight in the campus library when I was working towards my chemistry degree. It was you who has kept me artificially perky and bright throughout my medical and baking careers. It was you who helped me survive the hardest parts of early motherhood. It was you who gave me spunk and energy and kept me bright eyed even when I hadn’t slept in 48 hours straight. It was you Starbucks, who kept all these humans alive in the world surrounding me every morning for the past 14 years. You’re a true hero. You made Ely great again.

I hope you know that. And I hope you never forget that I appreciate you and that you made a huge difference in my life.

But the time has come. It’s time that we parted ways. I know this is hard to hear. But you have to understand that our relationship has evolved into something…toxic. I know that seems harsh but just hear me out.

Because of you, I am losing close to 3,500 dollars and gaining 168,000 calories every year. Do you see how these numbers are just absolutely ridonculous and make zero fucking sense?! I know that the truth hurts, believe me- it hurts me too. But let’s face it, this love that we have is unhealthy and detrimental in all aspects of my life and it’s time for a change, Starbucks. I’m ready to go to out and spread my wings. No… I’m not cheating on you with Redbull. Give me some credit!

It’s really not that complicated. I’d like to realize my dreams of writing a poem while sitting on a huge rock that kisses the celestial shores of Greece. I’d like to experience the wonders of Iceland. I’d like to walk alongside the wild Flamingos roaming Renaissance Island. I’d like to LIVE my life and I also want to be beautiful and healthy and fit while I do these things, someday. So. Not only do I need to save all this money I’m wasting on you, I also need to get rid of the demon calories you have bestowed upon my body.

I have goals. And I’m ready to slay them. But that means I have to slay this addiction first.

I hope you can understand my reasons for putting an end to this re-latte-tionship and I do hope that you’ll still remember me, and maybe every now and then, I’ll stop by for a smaller, nonfat drink but I don’t want to get your hopes up high. I need you to move on, you warm, delicious, sweet-brown thing you.

Adieu, sweet Starbucks. Parting, is such sweet, caffeinated sorrow.

Until we meet again…

Your Ex-Lover.

26 thoughts on “The Break-Up Letter of the Century”

  1. Girl, sounds like a one sided relationship all the way! Move on honey! He ain’t got nothin on you!! (Starbucks is overpriced and their coffee is not very good anyways; you will for sure find something better)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have already found WAY better. I’ve redirected my energy towards nutrition and getting my dream bod.
      Quitting Starbucks and just overall fatty coffee drinks was a huge obstacle that’s stopped me from making hardcore changes to my body and I’m now 3 weeks deep and feeling better than ever!!! There’s a light at the end of this tunnel! Lol.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I want you to know that I hear you and that I believe that, for you, the love you feel for Starbucks is real. But, like the “bad boys” that they warn you about in high school, Starbucks is just using you. It takes what it wants from you, the money, and then leaves you out in the cold, holding nothing but a steaming cup full of legal, addictive stimulants. Be stronger than Starbucks. I believe in you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lol thank you for believing in me! Going on 3 weeks strong and eating so clean I don’t think my stomach could even handle it anymore! Haha. I feel more alert without the stimulants and the calories and I’m in a better mood than I’ve EVER been because my brain probably isn’t fogged and polluted!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes girl, I see the light now. So much difference in my life since I’ve quit. Ugh. I’ve redirected those spending to eating better quality food and to my supplements. I’m so proud!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha! This is brilliant! Good for you for realizing that your Starbucks addiction needs to be curbed, both for financial and health reasons. I need to make the same decision with cupcakes, but I just keep going back. Ely, give me strength!

    Like

  4. Ohh this did not disappoint! I think I know the answer but confirm or deny: Parts of this letter were inspired by watching “Are You The One”. Also, woah! There’s 400+ calories in one of those drinks? That’s like 10 calories per letter in the name of it. A friend once brought me to Starbucks and forced me to have a sip from her drink and my face folded up like a lawn chair. Wasn’t feelin’ it. Meanwhile, I got myself a chocolate chip cookie because what can be so bad about a cookie? Well, they asked if I wanted it heated up. It was the middle of July. WHO EATS A WARM COOKIE IN JULY. Well apparently me because I agreed to it. And you know what happened? I tried eating it in the car but since it was warm, the chocolate was wet and got all over my hands. It looked like I had been picking up after a dog using my bare hands. So, yes, I’m a bit scarred and should probably refer to the place as Scarbucks at this point. I just made up that name on the fly. I like it, let’s go with it. I’ll stop writing now and just wish you well in this new venture! Is this a venture? I don’t even know. Adieu.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LMAO OMG I am so sorry!!!!! HOW DID I MISS THIS!!!!! Can I say that I actually had to update my phone and it took like 6 hours??! I didn’t want to but I was forced into it! And I think that whole process frustrated the crap out of me! I’m sorry Paul! Lol!!!! I think this’ll be the first time I think I upset you hahahaha!!!! But Scarbucks is amazing another Pun on that list! Also? Yesssssss are you the one was hidden between the lines lol 😂. Thank you for wishing me well and thank you for always taking your time to leave the BEST comments as always. I’m so so sorry I didn’t respond, please forgive meeeeee I haven’t had caffeine in so longgg it’s excusable that I’m slower than normal! Hugs!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha it’s quite alright! I’m not upset, just a little hurt. (LOL not actually, I’m just being dramatic). All is forgiven though because I noticed you also hadn’t replied to the comment above mine so I knew it wasn’t anything personal ahah. Good on you for staying strong and not crawling back to Starbucks….buuuut if you ever do, there better be a blog post about it!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t know if I could ever break up with Starbucks, but thankfully I don’t live near one anymore so I can distance myself from it. It’s like a long distance relationship now!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! Well at least with a long distance relationship hinders you a bit but as for me I have a Starbucks in EVERY angle and corner no matter what direction I’m going it’s haunting me everywhere lol but I WILL NOT yield. Believe me, I needed to stop. It was bad. Thanks for reading!!

      Like

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