Sigh. Hey sexy. It’s me.
I know I know! You’ve been worried about me. Another year vanished into non-existence and a new year has graced us and yet, you haven’t seen or heard from me in a good 2, going on 3 weeks now? Geez. Did you wonder if I was dead by now? Well, I’m sorry sweet stuff but hey listen, I’m here! I mean. I haven’t had my daily venti caramel macchiatos and strawberry acai lemonades but hey…I’m alive.
You know, I’ve been thinking about us. About you and I (me and you? you and me? Whatever. Fuck the rules and long live the rebels amiright?) and do you even know how long it’s been now since our stars aligned and the universe brought us together like two magnets floating aimlessly through outer space? Do you even know, bro?
14 YEARS. Man. Talk about love at first sip right?
We’ve been through so much together! I remember the very first time I walked inside of you. (Ok that sounds really rough, and totally unromantic…I should’ve taken you out to dinner first right? Chivalry is dead as hell, my apologies). Your smell, your dim-lighted ambiance, the rustic decor, the hip music gently bouncing off the walls and filling the space between us, the otherworldly friendly faces behind the counters…left me in a caffeinated trance and I was never the same after that moment.
And then I had a sip of your $5.10, 400+ calorie infused caramel macchiato and well, that was that. You stole my heart indefinitely, wrapped it in chains, and locked it up. I became exclusively yours. Except those few times I was unfaithful with Dunkin Donuts and that fancy coffee contraption that was gifted to me by a home wrecker who was clearly trying to sever our re-latte-tionship, but we both know it didn’t work out with any other coffee shops or machines. It was always you, Starbucks. It was always you. Come now, let’s cuddle.
Seriously though? You know, before you- I had a history of a caffeine addiction. It was a pre-existing condition which I was genetically predisposed to. I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but it sounded super legit. And I’m too legit to quit. Oh my God what is happening.
My love for coffee sparked when I was just a tiny 2 years old. TWO! What?! I know! You see, Cuban grandmas have a tendency to not know any better than to sit their grandkids up on the kitchen counters next to them as they prepare their Cuban espresso shots with foam (or coladas) every morning like clockwork. So naturally grandma assigned me my own special little espresso cup in which she would pour a bit of hers every morning for me to “taste”. And naturally, tasting turned to full consumption in no time. I’m pretty sure I was 2 and waking up like “OK bitch but first, where’s my fucking coffee… we can do this diaper change and milk thing later, k?! K.”
But even considering my history with coffee, it was still. always. YOU. It was you who helped me stay up overnight in the campus library when I was working towards my chemistry degree. It was you who has kept me artificially perky and bright throughout my medical and baking careers. It was you who helped me survive the hardest parts of early motherhood. It was you who gave me spunk and energy and kept me bright eyed even when I hadn’t slept in 48 hours straight. It was you Starbucks, who kept all these humans alive in the world surrounding me every morning for the past 14 years. You’re a true hero.
You made Ely great again.
I hope you know that. And I hope you never forget that I appreciate you and that you made a huge difference in my life.
But the time has come. It’s time that we parted ways. I know this is hard to hear. But you have to understand that our relationship has evolved into something…toxic. I know that seems harsh but just hear me out.
Because of you, I am losing close to 3,500 dollars and gaining 168,000 calories every year. Do you see how these numbers are just absolutely ridonculous and make zero fucking sense?! I know that the truth hurts, believe me- it hurts me too. But let’s face it, this love that we have is unhealthy and detrimental in all aspects of my life and it’s time for a change, Starbucks. I’m ready to go to out and spread my wings. No… I’m not cheating on you with Redbull. Give me some credit!
It’s really not that complicated. I’d like to realize my dreams of writing a poem while sitting on a huge rock that kisses the celestial shores of Greece. I’d like to experience the wonders of Iceland. I’d like to walk alongside the wild Flamingos roaming Renaissance Island. I’d like to LIVE my life and I also want to be beautiful and healthy and fit while I do these things, someday. So. Not only do I need to save all this money I’m wasting on you, I also need to get rid of the demon calories you have bestowed upon my body.
I have goals. And I’m ready to slay them. But that means I have to slay this addiction first.
I hope you can understand my reasons for putting an end to this re-latte-tionship and I do hope that you’ll still remember me, and maybe every now and then, I’ll stop by for a smaller, nonfat drink but I don’t want to get your hopes up high. I need you to move on, you warm, delicious, sweet-brown thing you.
Adieu, sweet Starbucks. Parting, is such sweet, caffeinated sorrow.
Until we meet again…