Humor, Letters, Witty Rants

A Not-So-Merry Message For The Fat King of The North

Dear Santa;


Level with me jolly old man. Pull up a chair. Get comfy. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Treat yo-self. Here…have a freshly purchased Walmart cookie with all the merry green and joyful red sprinkles and a hot cup of microwaved instant hot chocolate with extra tiny little marshmallows (I even made it with milk instead of water like the packet says… the nerve of these people amiright?).

It’s time to chat, Nick. Me and you. Right here. Right now. Womano-a-Santo. No? That didn’t work did it…

Whatever. Listen Kringle. You see- I know. I know I’m on the asshol naughty list this year. But here’s the thing. I can explain. What had happened was… 2018 has been a bitch. I mean…a cold, bitter, toxic…cruel bitch. And I admit it. Like I surrender. I yield to you, almighty Father of The North. Have I had more downs than highs? For-fuckin-sure.

Like last week? I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be super annoyed by the 6-day long Bush funeral nor should I have made irrational and straight-up mean comments like “will they BURY the old man already? The body is decomposing in that box while 3,000 eulogies and songs and moments of silence keep coming and coming and coming… like TALK ABOUT “rest in peace” bro!” I know. I have no sympathy. Zero fucks, remember? And I especially loved the part where Trump was sitting there at the funeral, front and center with his legs wide open and his arms crossed just naturally being the orange dickhead that he is! Epic moments staining our history I tell you…

Hold on, don’t interrupt me just yet Big Red.

I also shouldn’t have kept the little silver clutch bag that says “SLEIGH” from Target after having accidentally I REPEAT accidentally walked right out of the store with it in my left fucking hand.

First of all? It was adorable AF and I totally intended to buy it. It was only 10 bucks and I was already like 150$ down the sink so at that point it didn’t even matter. And honestly I can’t steal. I’m too paranoid and anxious for that type of premeditated behavior. Yes I remember that time I was banned from Walgreens for like 2 years but that was before kids and life before kids doesn’t count. Can I finish my confession now?

So here’s how that went down: I legit paid my stuff with the clutch in my hand! The lady at the register was talking to me about who in the North Pole knows what, and I forgot it was hanging from my wrist, you have to believe me! To make matters worse, I even walked out of the store WITH 3 POLICEMEN who were on duty undercover. They were right there next to me and I was like strolling along, like a delinquent dressed as a Target-Mom.

It wasn’t till I got in my car and put everything down on my passenger seat, that I realized I was a thief.

But I mean. No point in going back and humiliating myself now right? Come on Santa baby. Let’s not pretend to be the hero here. After all, when we get down to the nitty gritty, you’re the worst kind of criminal and you know it! Don’t give me the fuzzy white eyebrow. I’m not the one breaking into strangers’ homes all over the damn world eh?! I’m not the creeper in a costume “watching” children and their every single moves. Stalker much?!

And I’m not the one flying around calling people “hoes” I mean come on! What say you?!

What’s that I hear? Oh it’s all the Crickets. They’re humming to the Jingle Bells tune. Cute.

So let’s just hit pause, Clause… and think about this for a sec. I’m not perfect, and neither are you. Far from it. But the children dig your style and the believe in your magical fuckeries. They always have. And people like me? The ones who know the truth? We care. We lie because we love our children. Do you think I purposefully want to be the one responsible for ruining those millions of tiny little Christmas dreams? Nah. Not me ya Cookie-Guzzler.

So I’ll tell you what. Let’s cut a deal.

You scratch my harmless little name off that asshole list of yours, and get me all the things on my wish list, and I’ll keep your dirty little secrets allllll to myself.

You have 24 hours to make your move. Make it count “Not-So-Saint” Nick.

Sincerely AF,

The Coldest, Boldest Bitch of all the lands.

26 thoughts on “A Not-So-Merry Message For The Fat King of The North”

  1. My mother accidentally stole a $100 cat drinking fountain. But that’s not her fault. She put it up on the counter to pay. The check out girl even opened it up to make sure everything was in there and not broken. Then she started talking to my mom and about cat stuff and never scanned it. We didn’t realize until about four days later when my mom was looking over the receipt and was like, “I thought the total was low!”

    But what do you do at that point? Go back and say, “Yea, last week we came in and you forgot to charge us for this fountain?” I consider it a gift from the Universe. You were meant to have that clutch. Merry Christmas.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve done this. At first, I have a little bit of panic, but then, I calm the hell down. This post made my day so much better. It was exactly what I needed to start my week! I love how you write. It’s like I can hear you. You’re awesome! 😍

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw stop! Lol! Thanks Jen! I appreciate you!!! I’m glad I made your day even if just for a minute! I literally write the way that I speak- so you’re on point haha!! Xoxox!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re amazing! When you have rough days, make sticky notes with all the positive comments from your blog. Put them on your mirror and tell your inner bitch that she isn’t going to keep breaking you. Wishing you well always! 🥰

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh I love this idea and I LOVE you even more for being such a bright light. You’re beautiful girl. So glad we bumped into each other here! Seriously. All the girlie-dramatic feels hahaha

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yes!! I actually used to do that, and it made me smile. I used to write negative things on my mirror and phone as a background. It was in my darkest time. Then, I turned around and went the opposite way and wrote positive things. It seemed campy at first, but it really helped.

        Glad we’ve been able to connect! I really adore you! 😊😘

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m starting to think that Kevin from Home Alone is your spirit animal. He stole a toothbrush, after all. Basically twins!

    You should watch The Christmas Chronicles on Netflix if you have it! It’s a new age Santa who doesn’t say Ho Ho Ho and isn’t (really) fat. Speaking of which, in your title when you said “Fat King of the North” I thought you were talking about me for about 1.2 seconds because I’m from the North and I might as well be King, and “Fat” was probably just a generalized insult. Ok I’m done lol

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lmfao!!!!! Don’t be so hard on yourself I would never insult you! Lol!!!!!! Also,
      You’re soul is fat. But not you Paul. Also?! I ALREADY SAW IT AND IT IS OFFICIALLY MY NEW FAVE MOVIE OF ALL TIMES! I saw someone tell you to watch it on your twitter feed and I was like YESSSS PAUL WATCH THAT!!! But I was driving. And you know. Life or
      Death lol. Even though I write entire posts while driving so never-mind that excuse.
      Anyways!!! I just wrote to you about ARE YOU THE ONE? Oh em GEE!
      And also, Kevin is my spirit animal for sure I love that kid lol!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My soul is fat ahahaha I’m stealing that line for Christmas feasts. Yes! It’s such a good movie! Why did it take so long for someone to make a logical Christmas movie like that?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lol!! I’m sure the family will get a kick out of that. And we are always on the same wavelength! SUPER LOGICAL movie. I love this version of Santa. The guy is a realist! And a rock star hullloooo?! How badass was THAT jail performance eh?!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. LMAO!!!!! I meant, I wouldn’t tell all the children about what a delinquent punk he is and how it’s just weird and inappropriate that he keeps all these tabs on them like is he watching while they shower too?! And how it’s illegal to sneak into people’s houses like kids are so innocent! UGH! lol!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

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