Level with me jolly old man. Pull up a chair. Get comfy. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Treat yo-self. Here…have a freshly purchased Walmart cookie with all the merry green and joyful red sprinkles and a hot cup of microwaved instant hot chocolate with extra tiny little marshmallows (I even made it with milk instead of water like the packet says… the nerve of these people amiright?).
It’s time to chat, Nick. Me and you. Right here. Right now. Womano-a-Santo. No? That didn’t work did it…
Whatever. Listen Kringle. You see- I know. I know I’m on the
asshol naughty list this year. But here’s the thing. I can explain. What had happened was… 2018 has been a bitch. I mean…a cold, bitter, toxic…cruel bitch. And I admit it. Like I surrender. I yield to you, almighty Father of The North. Have I had more downs than highs? For-fuckin-sure.
Like last week? I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be super annoyed by the 6-day long Bush funeral nor should I have made irrational and straight-up mean comments like “will they BURY the old man already? The body is decomposing in that box while 3,000 eulogies and songs and moments of silence keep coming and coming and coming… like TALK ABOUT “rest in peace” bro!” I know. I have no sympathy. Zero fucks, remember? And I especially loved the part where Trump was sitting there at the funeral, front and center with his legs wide open and his arms crossed just naturally being the orange dickhead that he is! Epic moments staining our history I tell you…
Hold on, don’t interrupt me just yet Big Red.
I also shouldn’t have kept the little silver clutch bag that says “SLEIGH” from Target after having accidentally I REPEAT accidentally walked right out of the store with it in my left fucking hand.
First of all? It was adorable AF and I totally intended to buy it. It was only 10 bucks and I was already like 150$ down the sink so at that point it didn’t even matter. And honestly I can’t steal. I’m too paranoid and anxious for that type of premeditated behavior. Yes I remember that time I was banned from Walgreens for like 2 years but that was before kids and life before kids doesn’t count. Can I finish my confession now?
So here’s how that went down: I legit paid my stuff with the clutch in my hand! The lady at the register was talking to me about who in the North Pole knows what, and I forgot it was hanging from my wrist, you have to believe me! To make matters worse, I even walked out of the store WITH 3 POLICEMEN who were on duty undercover. They were right there next to me and I was like strolling along, like a delinquent dressed as a Target-Mom.
It wasn’t till I got in my car and put everything down on my passenger seat, that I realized I was a thief.
But I mean. No point in going back and humiliating myself now right? Come on Santa baby. Let’s not pretend to be the hero here. After all, when we get down to the nitty gritty, you’re the worst kind of criminal and you know it! Don’t give me the fuzzy white eyebrow. I’m not the one breaking into strangers’ homes all over the damn world eh?! I’m not the creeper in a costume “watching” children and their every single moves. Stalker much?!
And I’m not the one flying around calling people “hoes” I mean come on! What say you?!
What’s that I hear? Oh it’s all the Crickets. They’re humming to the Jingle Bells tune. Cute.
So let’s just hit pause, Clause… and think about this for a sec. I’m not perfect, and neither are you. Far from it. But the children dig your style and the believe in your magical fuckeries. They always have. And people like me? The ones who know the truth? We care. We lie because we love our children. Do you think I purposefully want to be the one responsible for ruining those millions of tiny little Christmas dreams? Nah. Not me ya Cookie-Guzzler.
So I’ll tell you what. Let’s cut a deal.
You scratch my harmless little name off that asshole list of yours, and get me all the things on my wish list, and I’ll keep your dirty little secrets allllll to myself.
You have 24 hours to make your move. Make it count “Not-So-Saint” Nick.
The Coldest, Boldest Bitch of all the lands.