Blogging about Blogging, Deep Rants

Lost, Frightened Puppy. Does Not Understand SEO’s or Adwords.

For the past few weeks I’ve been digging deep for more light-hearted, funnier-ish, look-at-me-I’m-not-always-a-dark-sociopath content. Besides the two victims whom I wished explosive diarrhea upon (I’m sure it was justified), I think I’ve been doing ok-ish. Give me some credit.

It’s so tough. It’s tough trying to aim for this positive, bright, encouraging, forever-witty, entertaining blog when there’s a dark cloud of WTF-are-you-doing-with-your-life-even, Ely? constantly hovering above my big ass head.

I just want to write. But I don’t just want to write. I want to…WRITE write. That makes total sense write right? Right.

I wish I could be more productive. I wish I could have a stronger message to spread. I wish I could inspire millions of people with my legitimate advice, or my nonexistent success stories or my amazing ability to live a picture perfect life or a mastered skill of some kind. But the truth is, I don’t really consider myself good enough at anything in particular that could mold me into some bold edgy writer.

I know that sounds pessimistic. It’s not. It’s raw honesty. This isn’t me beating myself up or feeling sorry for myself. This is me acknowledging the fact that I’m not anywhere near where I’d like to be. Not with my career, not with my personal life, not with my side hustle, and especially, particularly, not with my writing.

SGNF was my like, 4th attempt at having a blog of any kind and it was never meant to fall into any niche, because this place was meant for me to unravel myself…find my voice…build myself up. But I wonder if this selfish intent has just been a detriment to my success as a writer? “Success”. “Writer”. Those are two loaded fucking words, aren’t they?

But what does it actually take? Honestly? Don’t tell me consistency. I know that much. Besides not being consistent, not having any connections, flashy photos to post, and being a potty-mouth… I must be doing everything else wrong too. Ha.

I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT IT TOOK ONCE UPON A TIME.

A few years ago I stood up for the little-writer-that-could dreams that I cozily slept through at night for so many years and told my then boyfriend that hey boo listen. So I wanna be a famous, paid blogger ok? Because my dream is to write and my book isn’t happening so I’m gonna write about the things I know about. I’ll be making some extra cash in NO time! I’m a badass writer. How hard could it be?! Look at all these famous mommy bloggers out here just like…writing and being stay at home moms? I got this.

And so. I went to work. I was ready to hustle for my dreams.

I.did.all.the.fuckin.reasearch.

All of it.

I read the all the things. I bought books. I sat at Barnes and Noble like a book nerd doing important business stuff. I googled EVERYTHANG. I read all the big blogs. I had all the ideas. I would be like a zero-filter cosmetics reviewer. And duh. Products would just like sponsor me or whatever right? And then cha-chiiinnnggg! Dolla dolla bills ya’ll!

I did everything.

Except actually write.

Please hold, I’m nauseated by my naive few-years-ago self.

It wasn’t until I decided to “self-host” my (empty of any actual writing) site “Lé Junkanista” (insert cringe) that I quickly became a shivering, paranoid puppy lost in the endless conundrums of affiliations and SEO stuff and Adwords and promotion techniques and photography fuckeries and web design expenses and well-

that was it for me. Done deal. Nope. Not happening.

THINGS GOT “TOO HARD” AT THE VERY BEGINNING SO I QUIT. CLASSIC ME. AND WHO DO I BLAME? THE UNIVERSE. DUH.

Because like most textbook Libras, I do everything in life backwards and inside out.

I started my first year of college before I got to my senior year of high-school. Check. I got pregnant before I got married. Check. I had a family before I bought a home. Check. I started websites without any content. Check. I spent money on baking supplies for my side business before I’d even attempted my first cake. Check.

Also? Textbook Libra issue: it’s either now or never. If I can’t have it now, if I can’t master this (anything) now-on my first try, if I can’t immediately be the best at this- then forget it. I don’t want it anymore. I refuse to be mediocre or second best or to wait for anything.

And This is the part where I recognize that I just used my horoscope as an excuse for my lavish failures. Like it’s not my fault I’m an asshole. No! YOU SEE THOSE MISALIGNED AF STARS UP THERE? YES! THEM! They did this! THIS IS YOUR FAULT YOU SHITTY STARS! Ugh!

WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM, SERIOUSLY…

I read half of a book that pissed me off. Rachel Hollis in “Girl, Wash Your Face” is preaching and preaching about not believing the lies we tell ourselves and how we can do anything without money or connections bla bla bla yet. Here she is. HAPPENS to be married to David Hollis who’s basically super RICH and super connected because he’s the chief distributor for Disney and then she happens to get the opportunity to write a book even though she’s never even taken a writing class.

Sooooo. Maybe I don’t have her ENTIRE background down-packed and I’m sure she’s worked her ass off. Fine. Granted. After all, she did move to L.A. on her own after high school, landing a little job at Miramax and later becoming a “celebrity” party planner. But either way, it was most definitely, money and connections at the end of it all. So I call bullshit. Great book thus far! But I still call bullshit, Rachel.

GIRL, WASH YOUR FACE. There’s a tiny piece of bullshit left on the bottom corner of your lip.

It’s depressing that a normal- like legit-normal, middle class, unconnected person is so unlikely to make it big out here. With anything really. Rather than lift my spirits up to get me motivated and off my ass, this self-help book has knocked the wind out of me and left me on the cold, hard stone floor trying to catch my breathe. Alone. Shivering. In the dark. Wanting to delete my blog and hide in a cave for the rest of my days.

Does this mean I quit? Nah. There are no legitimate caves in Miami anyways. It just means I’m not really sure what the goal or the point is anymore. I’ve lost the vision… hopefully temporarily. I’m not sure what direction I’m headed toward and I can’t see a clear picture of where I even want to go from here.

I need the light.

My light.

But who knows. Maybe through this moment of “normal bitches don’t REALLY succeed” will come the birth of an epiphany, or an AHA! moment. Maybe. Or maybe I’ll just forever be a middle aged, zero-fucks-given, ranting mom with a dream to keep writing.

Sigh.

23 thoughts on “Lost, Frightened Puppy. Does Not Understand SEO’s or Adwords.”

  1. Aww I’m sorry you are feeling this way! I know it’s hard when we get down on ourselves and feel like our dreams are never going to become a reality (I’ve been there many times myself and I know I’ll be headed back first class a few more times!) but you have a lot to look at and say “hey – I’m pretty awesome!” Like your two beautiful kids, and your husband and your AUHMAZING cake skills and your ability to make amazingly funny blog posts!! I love every single one! Those are all awesome achievements. And so maybe none of them will land you on Ellen’s couch or drinking tea with Oprah, but you’ve got us, babe! And we love you! Xoxoxo 🥰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes!!!! I am forever ETERNALLY thankful I’ve found my people here! You have no idea how
      Much you guys mean to me! Seriously. So much. If it wasn’t for the few like you, I wouldn’t be here at all!!!!! Thank you for your love and your light and your positivity! Love you girl!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. First of all… Self-help books are the worst. I don’t understand why they’re so popular. Because no one can write a book telling you how to be you. Sure, they can write about how they were able to be them and got where they are by doing whatever it is they did. But you’re not them. And if you were, life would boring. The only person that a self-help book really helps is the person who wrote. Because they can take that nifty royalties check to the bank. I’m sure that’s super helpful for them.

    Secondly… You’re right. It’s not what you know, it’s WHO you know. Which I kinda feel like is a horrible fact of life. But it’s there. In just about every aspect of our lives, especially if we intend to find any sort of worldly success. You can read all the right books and even write all the right words, but until the right person sees it and promotes it on your behalf… well, yeah.

    And I’m right there with you. I mean, I never set out to write a famous mommy blog. But I did just want to write. I wanted a voice and I wanted it to be heard. I tell myself over and over it’s not about who reads my blog, it’s about me being able to get off my chest whatever I need to get off my chest. But there’s still that little piece of it that says, “Yeah… but don’t you really just want to go viral? Just a little bit?”

    I’m not naive enough to think that everything I post is a brilliant piece of writing. But I’m not a bad writer. And I do think that there have been a handful of posts that were actually really good. So much so, that it’s made me question whatever process the powers that be at WordPress go through to pick something that’s been “Freshly Pressed” or whatever it is they’re calling it now.

    It’s discouraging, for sure. But don’t quit. You have more followers than me and I know more than a few of us would be pretty disappointed if we stopped getting updates from Miami.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. AW ! You see? It’s this type of stuff that really keeps us going isn’t it? Having each other’s backs is so important-especially in this slowly dying art form. The reality of things can often blur our heart-set goals but we just have to keep on going and you’re right, hope that maybe someday, the right person will be like HEY! Why aren’t you famous?! Lol. I agree with you as well about WordPress but I don’t even CONSIDER ever being a thing there because of the voice I use when I write which is the actual real life version of myself. If any of my friends on here ever had a real conversation with me- besides my obvious Miami girl accent- you’d be like IT IS YOU! It’s actually YOU lol! I don’t know how to “fake the funk” into clean, proper writing anymore. So I just let my soul pour itself into these posts and hope for the best.

      Anyways. Thank you so much for your support! I owe you some of that! Don’t think I don’t see that. I’ve been trying to play all this READ MY FAVORITE BLOGS catch-up for a few weeks now. But you’re appreciated and HEARD!!!

      Fuck being viral. We all have each other.

      Right?! Lol!! Ok maybe we still want to go viral but we would be so humble and stay true to our Real Friends!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. When I saw your reply pop up on my phone and saw Bryan, I was like… um, I’m Aaron… I take it all back!

        Just kidding!

        Honestly, I know I don’t read everything that everyone I’m subscribed to posts. Like, if someone I usually like to read posts something that is obviously a new recipe that they just had to share, I’m probably gonna ignore it. Because I don’t have time to cook the things I already know I like, much less experiment with something new. But make me laugh and I’m all in.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. LOL!!!! Don’t blog break-up with me Hahahaah!

        I don’t know SQUAT about Buffy! Ok? There I said it!!! Lol! but I respect you as a writer because you do it really well. Can you talk about DAWSON’S CREEK?! Hahaha! Those were the days man!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I could be talked into a Dawson’s Creek. I loved that show while I was in college. But I’m fairly certain I’d wind up being a lot more snarky with that one.

        I have to ask… Team Dawson or Team Pacey?

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I want to say some amazingly positive, upbeat bullshit to you right now to make you feel better, but just like Hollis, I’ll have a little bit of bullshit left in the corner of my mouth and bullshit tastes icky.
    So, I’m just gonna be real with you.
    When I say you are a talented, truly funny writer I fucking mean it. You’re truly a writer. Don’t ever doubt that.
    But, I also thought, “Oh, I’ll be famous in no time. Watch me.” And I’ve had to eat those dreams. It also tasted icky like bullshit.
    I’m slowly realizing that it’s almost 100% likely I’ll never be a famous writer. I also have realized that the blogosphere is entirely too saturated. Everyone blogs. It’s annoying af.
    I’d say just plug away and don’t give up but I’m right there with you and I don’t know how long I can keep doing this…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for being real. You’re always REAL and I know you’ve been having similar struggles, so I respect your input even more. We think SO alike! At this point you’re right. 100 percent right. Maybe looking at blogging from my original perspective of “I’m here for the free therapy” and really cultivating as many meaningful friendships as possible. Though the fear of “oh we were so BLOGGER-friend close and now they stopped blogging so there goes THAT friendship” is always there too. At least when you took your break you kept in contact via Facebook and starting a badass page! That was an awesome move on your end! Thank you for being YOU girl seriously!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think if you cultivate friendships beyond your blog, you won’t lose those friendships and connections if you or they stop blogging. Hell, I’m planning a tentative trip to Sicily this summer to see a fellow blogger friend again. Don’t worry about that aspect.
        BUT.
        You can make all the blog friends in the world and it won’t change your status in the blogging world. Unless you’re friends with The Bloggess, don’t count on those connections to actually get you anywhere.
        I say this with all the love I have for my blog people but I’m just being honest. Connections are great so you feel a part of something but they typically don’t extend further than your circle. It’s disappointing, but at the end of the day you have made friends all around the world and that’s worth a whole hell of a lot.
        Blogging is frustrating as hell, dude. I just bought a laptop so I can be a real writer as I write my book. I think I’ve used up all of my luck on this platform. Meh.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Aw Katie. Someday we will have to meet too! I’m so excited for you and this book!!!!! I’m waiting for my “AHA!” Moment! Lol. It’ll come. I’ve been through enough to write a bible and there wouldn’t be anything holy about it. Lol. I realized with time that I’m not a fiction writer type of chick… it’s not in me. But I can be funny and real. SO CAN YOU! So I am SO buying your book!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. For the last two months or so I’ve been feeling like “What’s even the point of my blog? I’m not motivated anymore, I’ve lost all my ideas, and no one really cares except the same few people.” I think I’m slowly coming out of that mindset but I think it creeps into all of our minds at one point or another.

    I can tell you from experience, that going viral (or at least viral on WordPress) is a lot of fun for a short period of time and then the attention fades away and so do all the new bloggers you think you’ve met and all that remains are the same people who have been pumping your tires the whole time – before you were “viral” – and they still care about you just as much. And you hit it right on the head – it’s so hard for a normal, regular person to make it big. I think we all dream of that and wonder why we can’t get there because we all have our own personal cheerleaders telling us our stuff is amazing and in our mind’s we’re like “If only other people read my stuff, they’d think I’m amazing too…but they don’t read it, so they don’t think I’m amazing, so that must mean I never will be.” I think that’s ok because we have our own community on here and our blog is important to THEM, to hell with the non-readers – it’s their loss.

    I’ve been telling you since I first found your blog that your blog is fantastic and original and funny and real and always a joy to read because each one of your words has wings and the whole post just floats with ease and that makes it enjoyable to read. I know other people feel the same way. So don’t you dare ever delete your blog.

    None of us may ever be famous writers and the world will be left in the dark about how great our writing is, but the people who read it will know and it will have an impact on them and it’ll give them a break from their life for 5 minutes while they read what we write.

    So don’t be discouraged, just be you because it’s gotten you this far and if being yourself was a bad thing, you would’ve figured that out by now, so it’s clearly a good thing.

    My fingers are sore, I’m going to stop typing now haha

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly all the right words I needed to read right now. Thank you for the amazing compliments! As always!! You never fail to give me a little reboost of my writer ego, which is much needed right now! And means SO much coming from you!
      We go through these moody writer phases often don’t we?! But at the end of the day, the impacts that random people have made are priceless, without a doubt. You’re also right about going viral- once you’re UP the only place left to go is back down- and that’s probably more depressing… being up there and then losing it and wondering WHY you’ve lost it and then feeling like a failure for not keeping yourself all the way up there. It makes sense. Better to stay at the bottom, hungry and motivated and inspired to crawl up little by little and not feeling too bad because there are more of us down here anyways. It’s down here! This is where the legit friendships and the party is at right?! YES! Down is the new UP! Hahaha. Thanks for being you Paul! You’re the best!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You said it – Down in the new UP! This is where the true fun is at. Imagine being famous and being too good to reply to these comments? That would be so boring and lonely.

        Liked by 1 person

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