Humor, Lifestyle Rants, Witty Rants

Thirsty-For-A-Rant-Thursday: A Biblical Boob Bitching

It’s Thirsty Thursday ya’ll! Who’s thirsty for a rant?!

[Confession] I admit it. I just made this Thursday thing up in light of my horrid time management skills because this post was supposed to be ready for WTF is on yo mind Wednesday but that clearly didn’t happen and rants can’t just marinate on the counter like pieces of meat NO rants are juicy and flavorful in the moment you know? Ok now I’m hungry. Anyways, I kind of like this Thursday concept better, actually. It may just stick. Then again, nothing ever sticks. I’m THE epitome of inconsistency and it’s OBVIOUSLY the only reason why I’m not a famous writer yet. Duh.


So I’ve been thinking about this whole “I got my boobs done” fuckery. And there are a few things I need to get off my chest.

In retrospect, I have zero idea what the fuck I was thinking when I woke up and decided it would be mad fun to have my nipples cut open, the muscles behind my breasts ripped apart and then sewn back together only after having bags smushed back there to be filled with saline which would only add to the destruction of my muscles, all so that I could ultimately walk around without a bra under a tank top. Clearly my priorities are right up there with a toddler getting 1 cookie in each hand upon demand. Meh.

Genius decision Ely. You dumb glittery cunt. You couldn’t just go get another 70$ padded, wired bra right? No. Of course not. You’re in the business of being extra.

Today makes 3 weeks since I walked out of a butcher’s shop with new boobs and while I’m loving that all the cleavage which my vindictive offspring stole from me is back, I just cannot fucking even with this recovery.

Yo, I am hardcore as fuck. I can take pain. I have 3 tattoos and 9 holes in my ears and I had my eyebrow pierced (twice) and 2 belly button rings in high school. Then I gave vaginal birth. Twice. Which pretty much broke my (insert your favorite alternate “vagina” term here so as to somewhat reduce the already off-the-chain awkwardness) but it’s all good because I had it all sewn back together like new.

Irregardless, fuck my perky boobs right now. This has been by far the worst pain ever. I’d take labor over this any day! The first 4 days were raw torture. I was basically handicapped. I barely slept, and I barely left my recliner because getting up from that required a fucking forklift. It’s like I was a sac of dead weight filled with saline. I was drugged 24/7 on Valium and Percocet- still feeling pain-and to make matters worse, I forgot to take stool softeners while taking so much medication.

Fast forward to 5 days later when I realized I hadn’t actually gone to the restroom and was forced to do the unthinkable. I will shamelessly admit that the most humiliating, dehumanizing thing I’ve ever had to experience in my life was my other half having to purposefully violate me with an enema.

3 weeks deep and I’m still sore, unable to sleep on my chest which is the norm for me (I sleep kind of like the chalky outline of a dead body at a crime scene), and barely able to apply any pressure on anything including fondant which means my new boobs are now messing with my side hustle. And if you mess with my side hustle you mess with my money. And if you mess with my money you mess with ME. Which means I mess with me. Which means I need to fight me? Ok look it’s possible the saline in my chest must’ve somehow infiltrated my brain and drowned the remainder of my brain cells.

Having implants is literally the strangest physical feeling ever. It feels exactly like what it is- foreign as fuck. Like it’s not supposed to be there. I’m not sure how long it’ll take but I can only assume I’ll get used to the feeling, probably very much like wearing contact lenses feels totally normal after a certain amount of time and adjusting.

Considering how sucky this recovery has been, I keep asking myself why the fuck do women do this to themselves? Why do we insist on dismantling our body parts and replacing them with new ones or adding new pieces to them?!

The relentless chase for beauty and perfection is difficult to make sense of. It’s vicious. Dangerous. Petty. Psychologically fucked up, even. But now that I can sit at the cool table with the all the tits-to-chins chicks, I can see things with a bit more clarity. I totally get it now. We do these painful things to ourselves for freedom.Freedom from feeling less

But I’m not here to dig into serious matters of self confidence or the history of womanhood. Let’s cut the bullshit, we do it because we can and because it makes us feel some type of way about ourselves. It’s an immediate confidence boost. Personally, I have goals. This was just one. I don’t plan on going under the knife again, but I’m for sure more motivated to get my fitness on now. I mean. Who wants great boobs and a not so great body? Not me that’s for damn shizzle.

If I could show you a before and after, you wouldn’t even question my motives. Not only was I dealing with a bit of “sadness” there but also with some asymmetry. I wanted to feel freedom from the stresses of not being able rock a low cut or open back dress/shirt. Hey. We all choose our battles right? There’s not always some deeper bigger psychologically motivated purpose for every single fucking thing we choose to do. This had nothing to do with my childhood nor heartbreaks or failures. My hubby gifted this to me because I was adamant that I wanted this- not because he cared or wanted me to have it done. It was about me, for once.

I still currently regret putting myself through this kind of healing process because I really wasn’t expecting this, but I’m sure I’ll get over it in a few weeks.

What’s your take on “cosmetic procedures” have you ever had anything done or considered having it done? Will my boobs ever heal? Specially my left one? Is it summer yet? Will I lose my home because I’m going to go cray on all the sports bras and the tank tops? Are you ready for the fitness rants to come?

19 thoughts on “Thirsty-For-A-Rant-Thursday: A Biblical Boob Bitching”

  1. Wow, girl! Thanks for the realness if you experience! I’m sorry you are having such a hard recovery and I am sending all my positive thoughts and the lightest hugs with no pressure at all your way!

    I’ve had the tattoos and the piercings done before (two in my ears and my nose done twice) and I love them! I hate the pain that goes along with them but I’ll endure the pain for a tattoo. It’s the itching after that drives me INSANE!!

    I’m not sure if I would do any cosmetic procedures…I’ve considered LASIK for my eyes but I was told I can’t and I actually like rocking my glasses. I’ve been told by a few people I should do gastric by-pass but that’s a huge no from me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey love! Lol thank you for the well wishes! It’s all for the greater good of things! And yes about the itching! I forgot to mention that about my stitches and the healing of the cuts! Lol. Ugh! It’s hard being a woman.

      LASIK is amazing. But I’m a huge fan of wearing my glasses too so I feel you on that! It gives us a little more spunk and edge right?!

      Gastric bypass is so dangerous but I say, to each his own and I respect the decision to do it or NOT do it. You do what’s right for you girl! Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope the pain goes away quickly so you can enjoy your new ladies!!

        I agree it’s dangerous, but you’re right! To each their own and you gotta do what’s right for you!

        Ps: just got all those notifications on my post from yesterday and I can’t WAIT to see what you posted haha

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Woooah, I had no idea you were planning this. I must have missed some of your posts!

    I am really sorry to hear about the bastard pain. I hope you and your new boobs will feel better soon! You are going to rock all the dresses next summer anyway.

    I’ve never really considered cosmetic procedures. I guess I am happy the way I am, so it all seems like too much effort. If it boosts your confidence and makes you happy, I’m all for it. I’m just too much of a wimp to do that myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Josy! Can I call you that?! Are we “there” yet? Lol! It def is something I’d been wanting for some time, but believe me- I was writing goodbye letters the morning of. I’d never been under anesthesia! Super scary. Lol but thankfully, all good and I’m still here! Also, you inspire me, you goddess. Xoxo!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I joked with a friend of mine who wished she had bigger boobs once that I wished we could trade. I have an unusually large chest. Buying bras is bank-breaking and I can only find them from one or two companies online, never in stores. My back hurts constantly. I can’t sleep on my stomach because they push me up into a U shape. I’ve rolled over onto them. On top of all that, I’m agender and about 50% of the time they give me the worst body dysmorphia. So, I’ve definitely considered getting them reduced, but I can’t find a doctor willing to recommend me for a reduction until I’ve lost X amount of weight, but most of my weight is carried in my chest. So, it would be an elective procedure and I can’t afford it without insurance backing it up.

    I hope once you get past your recovery, you’ll feel less, “Why the fuck did I do this?” about them. I’m sure you will. Pain is a great catalyst for regret when we’re experiencing it. It would be great if everyone felt amazing in their own bodies and loved themselves 100% all the time, but that’s not realistic. Obviously, having a small chest bothered you enough to let them cut you open. So, chances are, once you’ve recovered, you’ll be like, “Fuck yea! I’m so glad I did this!”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Adie that’s insane! I’m sorry to hear about that I know a few girls who’ve had tough times getting reductions approved by insurance and just had an overall hard time getting through the process but you can clearly see that they suffer from major back problems and being functional! So I’m no one to complain about CHOOSING to have them purposefully bigger. I’m already feeling way better, and regretting them much less now lol. I look super natural but that cleavage on top back on point which was my goal so I’m really happy.

      I do hope you’ll find the right doctor who’s willing to help you! Insurances are a bitch. Have you tried to “lose x weight” to try to qualify? God knows THAT ain’t easy either… ugh. But I’m sure they’re just being careful not to put you in more more risk than whats already presented with general anesthesia etc. love ya Adie!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad you’re feeling better about them! =)

        I’ve tried losing the weight, but losing weight has always been tough for me, even when I was younger before my metabolism vanished. I mean, I try not to let the doctor’s bother me. Of course, I would love it if I could lose enough weight that I didn’t need to get surgery. But… also… cake lol!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Bahaha!!!! YES! Cakkeeeeee! lol I hear you girl trust me. I only need to lose a good 15 pounds to get to being “me” and even THAT is fucking impossible, it seems. When I was younger I could lose 15 pounds in 3 days now it’s the equivalent of touching a star. Never gonna happen lol

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Right? I remember being in high school and my doctors told me I needed to gain weight (I had back problems because of my breasts then too, btw, but was too young for the surgery ahahahahahahaahah *weeps*). Now if I even look at a slice of pizza I have to buy new pants. -_- This is the shit no one told me about adulthood and I feel scammed lol! I never signed up for this shit!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I never signed up either! I say we fucking protest!!!! Against…..
        Adulthood! Who do we need to speak to?! Who’s attention do we need here eh?! Lol!!

        Like

    1. LOL!!!! Thanks Bryan. This must’ve been really awkward for my male readers. But hey! You guys should always see deeper into the female craziness! The fact that any males read female blogs says a lot and makes them that much wiser and uhhhh prepared LOL!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Personally, I am chicken shit so I don’t think I’d get any cosmetic surgery on myself but I’ve heard all the boobs, ass, lips etc. stories from my co-workers! Once you are all healed up, you will no longer regret your decision. I’m sure of it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg girl. I was writing my goodbye letters in the waiting room. I was a hot mess. I couldn’t stop googling deaths due to cosmetic surgeries like a psycho. I had never been under anesthesia so how would I know if I’m gonna have s reaction, DUH?! Lol but I have zero medical history and perfectly healthy and my surgeon really went out of his way to reassure me that the statistics weren’t in my favor for death lol. And here I am. Totally starting to feel normal again approaching week 4! Thank you girl!!!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂😂😂 says the 1 of 3 males who reads my blog. I figured LOL!! You def deserve a trophy for dealing with me. I was a bit embarrassed with some of my over the top details here but I can’t hold back because of you 3 men ok?! I will read football! You will read my nonsense! LOL we are past that! Hahahah

      Liked by 1 person

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