Witty Rants

In Which I Consider Selling My Son To The Black Market

When I was pregnant with my son, I felt like I was floating on a marshmallow cloud of motherly bliss. I had already been blessed with my perfect little princess and I also had a beautiful stepdaughter but I wanted my handsome little prince more than anything I had ever wanted in my life. Life was finally complete. There’s just something about giving a man his “little man” that makes you feel…. like a fucking winner. It’s a hard feeling to describe, truly. I know it sounds a bit mean even, but believe me, it’s not like that. The girls run his life. It was just one of those you had to be there type of feelings. And by there I mean, inside of me. And by inside of me (this isn’t going as planned) I mean like, in my soul’s soul. That’s fucking deep inside of me. Ok then! Shall we?

Fast forward to 6 years later and the kid is up for grabs. Who wants him!? I’m kidding. I would die first. And then you’d have to call the ghostbusters to suck my ghost into some fancy schmancy ghost-machine and keep me trapped there for all of eternity because even after I die, you don’t mess with my kids. I will protect them in this life and the next. Like most qualified moms, I live this life purely for my kids. Without them, what’s the point?! But seriously, who wants him… going once… going twice… going chicken soup with rice going Xanax and whiskey over ice!

I’m not sure whether this post is rant, a cry for help, or an attempt to salvage the last few bits of my sanity but I’m open to all of your opinions, criticisms, alcohol suggestions, PTA donations, psych referrals, whatever. Bring it Susans.

These last few months have been unbelievable. You see…Joey, aka “JJ” is my 6 year old first grader who woke up on the “fuck this shit, I own this bitch and everyone in it” side of the bed a few months ago- come the new school year, to be exact.

I’m not sure what went wrong because he really had a wonderful kindergarten year! Though he’s always been a bit beyond his years as far as his way with words (proceed to Exhibit A) and the way he carries himself- hands in pocket, back straight, chin up (proceed to Exhibit B), he’s always been a relatively sweet, independent, and well behaved boy.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Now. The nitty gritty. To answer the same boring questions literally everyone keeps asking me…

  • Nothing has changed.
  • We have not moved.
  • We have not changed our routines.
  • He has been in the same school since he was 4.
  • The hubby and I haven’t had an argument outside of “what do you want to eat” in ages.
  • My household has a strict “30 minutes of iPad/computer” per day.
  • My kids aren’t allowed to watch any stupid fucking rich-for-nothing YouTubers.
  • The kid in question takes out all garbages and works outside with his dad doing any and everything even oil changes, installing radios in cars, working on motors, painting, whatever his dad is doing in the yard, he’s doing it too.
  • He also does laundry and dishes and whatever the fuck I ask. There is no discrimination of chores.
  • Diet was a problem so I’ve cut out all most sugary drinks and junk food.
  • He’s had everything taken away. That shit don’t faze (phase? him) I don’t have time to google check that term. You know what I mean.
  • I don’t physically discipline my kids. Now isn’t the time for the traumatized childhood talk about why I won’t hit them.
  • I’ve had PLENTY of talks with him.

But even still, suddenly he’s the cafeteria clown-bully throwing food across the room and squirting pre-k kids with ketchup packets! Suddenly he’s disrupting his teachers on purpose and tossing pencils. Suddenly he’s saying NO and refusing to follow instructions. Suddenly he has an attack and throws a desk and kicks chairs in the middle of a Spanish lesson! And I just do not know and cannot even!

He is nothing like this at home. Sometimes I almost don’t believe half this shit because it’s so out of his typical character that it makes zero sense! Who is this kid they’re talking about!? I can’t discipline him for things I’m not witnessing! This is not my child they’re describing. Damn it!

Holy shit. Maybe he’s schizophrenic. Shut up Ely.

Then. I get a call from a counselor while I’m at work a few weeks ago. And I literally answered the phone like

-WHAT did he do NOW!? (Super rude Ely. Super..)

-Um hi yes is this Joey’s mom?

-yes. (insert long sigh) what did he do? This is so exhausting.

-No! Nothing like that this time I’m (whatever her name was) the school counselor and I’m calling to let you know that’s he’s been referred to GIFTED

(insert confused facial expression and long pause) what?! Gifted?! Well THAT explains a lot.

So ok. My kid isn’t being challenged. He’s bored. Clearly. But that’s not a good enough excuse or explanation for his behavior. I’m not satisfied with oh ok my son is an asshole because he’s gifted!

Nope. Something’s gotta give. But I’ve exhausted my options outside of behavioral counseling. I’ve tried punishment I’ve tried positive reinforcement I’ve tried talking I’ve tried screaming I’ve tried threatening to disappear forever I’ve tried reverse psychology I’ve tried bribing him. You name it.

Sooooo yea this is the part where I conclude that this was a rant mixed with a cry for help. But mostly it’s a straight up cry for help.

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A PHASE. Or send all the fucking Whiskey and a good luck balloon.

24 thoughts on “In Which I Consider Selling My Son To The Black Market”

  1. I know nothing about kids but I find it so weird he’s only that way at school?! Maybe he hates a teacher or a certain student?!

    If I could, I’d send you all the whiskey & here’s a virtual good luck balloon for you! 🎈

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol! Thanks boo! Yea super weird! I’m sure this shitshow will unravel itself soon enough. These comments have all been so seriously helpful. Thank you for the balloon! There’s hope! Lol xoxox

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s all a phase. All the phases are just a phase.

    Same thing happened to me in first grade. I was a good kid. Never, ever, got in trouble. Then, suddenly, I was standing up in my chair, climbing under my desk, acting disrespectful toward my teacher… very not typical. Then they started giving me 2nd grade level work and everything was fine. Turned out, I was finishing the 1st grade stuff too quickly and, out of boredom, I lashed out. I know, that’s not the explanation you want. But I do see it a lot in kids around that age. Because it’s not like later in school where you have advanced placement and dual enrollment courses. Elementary, you kind of have to play it by ear.

    Judging by what you explained above about where the behaviors are manifesting, and what the counselor who called you said, that’s what the issue is. Actually, before you got to the part where the counselor called with that suggestion, I was going to suggest sitting him down with a counselor to see if he’d open up about what might be going on. I say, give the advanced work a shot. Maybe he’ll even skip a grade.

    Another thing that could work… Make him watch Labyrinth. I’m a firm believer that a lot of behavior issues would end if parents would just instill a solid fear that, if they misbehave, they could get kidnapped by David Bowie.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your words! There’s a light, there issss a lighhhhtt! You turned out great right?! Of course you did! I’m waiting for that gifted exam and that shall reveal most of the truth I’m waiting for. Either way- in the last 2 weeks he’s been expressing showing a lot of interest in sketching! Maybe there’s an artist in there that needs to come out. I’m going to try and help bring his creativity out for sure.
      I’m also lmfao about making him watch the Labyrinth LOL, noted!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If I was any greater I’d have my own reality show that people would simultaneously hate and consider their guilty pleasure. And I definitely encourage encouraging his creativity! If he’s showing interest in sketching, get that kid some good pencils and a drawing journal. Maybe even a good set of colored pencils, too.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ha! You’re a true innovator! I’d Netflix and chill to that show! Lol. And DONE. His birthday is next Sunday and that’s what he’s getting! Thanks again!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. He needs more challenges and not just at school. I was way ahead of my class in school but I was lucky as I was easily able to interest myself out of school. I was a voracious reader and I was allowed to read books way out of my age range. That’s good and bad – it needs supervision! A 9 year old reading books about concentration camps isn’t the best idea with hindsight (then again, maybe I wouldn’t be so passionate about shit if I wasn’t exposed to being horrified – who knows?)
    You know your kid best. You know the difference between asshole and bored. Feed his interests. Home science experiments, photography, geology – sports.. whatever works but encourage him to seek out answers for himself because that both teaches him and keeps him occupied.
    If he expresses any interest in building a still and distilling hooch I claim first option on adoption!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LMFAO at your last sentence. I die. You’re right. He shows interest when he’s working on building things with his dad and gets to be his helper. Lately he’s been drawing too. Things I’m gonna keep exploring for sure. I honestly am not a fan of his teacher’s
      Personality this year. But I can’t put the blame on her fully. I’ll keep pushing to do my part as well. Thank you so much for this friend!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. A teacher makes a HUGE difference. If you get ateacher who doesn’t like your kid or who just isn’t able to bring out the best in them it really sucks. I had an evil Bitch nun teaching me Maths. She traumatized me so much I still hate it

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lol. So true!!!!! I had 2 teachers who inspired me to write so intensely between 2nd and 4th grade that I’ve NEVER stopped writing. And I had a chemistry teacher who inspired me so much I ended up majoring in chemistry. I hope he has teachers like that in the future ugh. I don’t think she dislikes him, but for sure she’s not bringing out the best in him.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. As a teacher, I have to thank you for raising your kids with discipline! They need to do the damn dishes and take out the garbage, too! And your strict screen time rules are legit.

    As everyone else suggested- it’s most likely to do with being bored and not having an outlet for his creative and intelligent energy. You won’t see a difference if his teacher isn’t actually challenging him, though. Keep a watch on that and demand that he gets the education he needs!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I promise I went through it. It started that same year! 1st grade!!! 😦 FINALLY, last year a bomb ass coach & counselor (who works with troubled teens at night) called me out, I did exactly what she said to do… I stopped pointing out what he did wrong (I MEAN EVEN THE SMALLEST SHYT) he would fuck up…no matter how bad, Id find the good and encourage that shyt. Did that for almost 8 months b4 seeing a change. I also had to stop threatening him if I wasn’t gna follow through with whatever threat it was, I didnt let him see me angry at him (hardest shyt ever and I still battle with that) I made sure he knew, his actions had specific consequences. ITS A FAZZZZEEEE! For us, good grades are your video games, your conduct is you tube, chores are your TV, etc. I wouldnt take one reward away if it had to do with the other …if that makes sense. It’s working for Ayden so far…In JESUS name, I pray it continues bc Lorrrrdddd, I dnt want to catch another case. 🤷🏽‍♀️🙄😊 Your a great fucking mom and NEVER forget that shyt. They will make us feel like we are failing but nope! we good. Lol and I’ve learned with both my Angel (Alayna) and my Ball of excitement (Ayden) that sometimes you’ll get to a point of panic and like omggggg how the fuck do I fix this one…BRUH, everything will be fine! EVERYTHING. OH & I ALWAYS KEEP LIME & PATRON CLOSE BY. 🤪


    1. Josie this comment made my day. I’m HUGE on rewarding him for good and I’ve tried positive reinforcement and his dad is just different than me and doesn’t see it that way- he thinks by rewarding him for anything I’m letting him “win” but you know men have ways of seeing things that sometimes seem one-sided as fuck and even a little
      Ignorant sometimes. Either way, I have to respect what his dad says too so we are trying to find a happy medium. Thank you for your words and your positivity and encouragement. Seriously it means a lot.


  6. I don’t know if this post was meant to be funny but I laughed a lot. Thank you. Just reading how you described him at school, I came to the conclusion that he was probably bored. And then you said it! The monotony and slow pace of school is probably not as entertaining as all the stuff he gets to do at home. I had kids at camp a bit older than him who would act up, but deep down they were good kids. They just weren’t being challenged and were bored of the same thing over and over again, and wanted something new. Maybe that’s it? Also, that story about the pumpkin killed me hahahah

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL. Per my usual-NESS, Yes this was meant to be funny! I do want opinions but I also just mostly wanted to be funny somewhere in there. Thanks For the input also, I really do think the kid is bored as hell! And the ones that seem bad aren’t always bad are they?! Glad you have that experience with camp and kids- it’s going to good use!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Camp kids aged me 20 years haha I felt like a big brother/father/grandfather all at the same time. Your son will probably grow up to be the next Elon Musk, creating things no one has ever thought of and these stories about him acting up in school will be Chapter 1 in his book.

        Liked by 1 person

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