Humor, In Which I List The Things, Witty Rants

If You Love These “Trends” We Can’t Be Friends. Or maybe We Just Need Some Time To Re-Evaluate Our “Friendship”.

Stiletto Shaped Nails

…Yea. Please tell me all about your restroom adventures. I’ll wait.

WHY do your nails look like weapons? Is this even legal? Are you allowed on airplanes or inside of bars? First of all I’m terrified of you and secondly, I question your ability to properly wipe your own ass. I’m sorry. But I do. I have doubts. I don’t even want to think about what lives underneath those nails. OMGAH! So unsanitary. Just no. StileNOPE nails. Just NOPE.

2. Overalls

I don’t know who makes the rules but at some point recently, overalls slithered their way into people’s wardrobes like slimy evil snakes and then suddenly they were socially acceptable? Not in my book bro. Let me make this very clear: overalls are not ok. Whether it’s a dress, a skirt, shorts or pants- it doesn’t really matter. Overalls, are not ok. Scarecrows wear overalls. Minions wear overalls. Farmers wear overalls. Need I say more? Ok fine I have one more. And babies wear overalls (though I burned any overalls anyone ever gifted my children but don’t aunt Margarita guys she is sooo sensitive). So unless you’re a legit newborn-farmer-scarecrow-minion? Just Stop. Overall, overalls suck.

3. Eyelashes attached to headlights

It’s cute if you’re a 16 year old virgin who drives a yellow VW Beetle and works part-time at Claire’s or Justice. But if you’re a grown ass adult (virgin or not) it’s not cute and I’m cutting you off in traffic and then giving you the finger. Grow up lady. You could’ve fed children in Africa with that stupidly spent money. Says the girl who spends 10$ a day on coffee. But this wasn’t about me, Susan. You cunt. This was about the lady with the super extra false lashes on her car. Get it together.

4. The Use of the Words “lit” “mad” “minute” and “fire

So I haven’t had a big house party in a minute but I invited mad people and it’s gonna be lit! And you know I’m baking my own cake and that shit gon’ be fire!

If you speak like this in an actual real life adult conversation, you’re not invited to my party. I’m not saying I have the best “language etiquette”. No. I don’t. I say fuck a lot but that’s classic. Like Webster knows this. Webster understands. The term fuck is universal and socially acceptable. In my social circle and within my universe, at least. You can always just add fuck to anything and spice it up! Fuck to the English language is the equivalent of what Sazon Completo is to Cuban food (complete seasoning). It just makes everything pop. It makes like better.

5. Purposefully dyed GREY hair

Ok maybe I’m wrong on this one but I strongly fucking believe that anyone who is too young to have a head full of naturally grey hair should not be dying their hair grey! Like WHY are you in such a hurry honey? Think this through with me for a sec because in due time- that shit will be grey on its own and nothing will cover it. And then you will fight to try to change it to the color you naturally had once upon a time and you will fail miserably. Because time and Mother Nature are no match for chemicals. I mean it’s just beyond me. I don’t get it. I don’t like it. I’m over here trying to keep myself looking young and vibrant while these 22 year olds are over there trying to look like…

6. Fake “Prescription” Glasses

There are some of us out here who are legitimately blind and who wish we weren’t but we make the best of it by wearing cute, stylish glasses right? I have like 5 different pairs that I can switch depending on my mood or the weather or what side of the bed I wake up on. But I actually cannot legally drive without them and life is a fuzzy blur without them.

And so you see, I’m super offended by the 3-6 people who have actually asked me if my glasses are “real” over the last few months. What?! Who even does that? I’m in my 30s! No I don’t shop at Claire’s for fake “cute” glasses. No. I wouldn’t wear fake glasses to work or to anywhere! No. NO. Just no. And it’s not ok at all, if you’re an adult and actually wear fake glasses just “because”. It’s not hip to need glasses people. It sucks. Be grateful for your vision, it’s a luxury that not all of us can have anymore.

7. CUNTouring

Listen I love makeup. That’s no secret. You can catch me across the street from my house in a gas station at 11 pm scavenging for milk or tampons and I’ll still at least have mascara and lipgloss on. That’s just the shitty person I’ve grown to be. It makes me feel good. End of story. However. You will never catch me looking like a totally different person because I learned how to ultimately lie and reshape my face using “contouring” techniques. That shit isn’t cute. You don’t even look like yourself! What happens when you go on a date and then gasp! you have to shower?! Or your 2nd date happens to involve a beach or a pool? Ummm? Surprise?!

I could probably get in trouble for using these images on my blog but in my defense, they’re on fucking google. Sue me. I dare you. And for the record, I’m not saying these women aren’t beautiful to begin with. I’m just saying the change is just too drastic.

One more thing?

WAY too much fucking work.

8. Overdone “Planners”

This is gonna be a tough one for me. Once upon a time I spent more time and invested more money on decorating my planners with overloads of overpriced stickers and bullshit than time or effort invested into actually accomplishing anything I listed in said planner. Like my goals in life considered of making my planner pretty and not actually reaching any adult goals. It was a bit of an addiction, I’ll admit that. Also? That wasn’t that long ago. I’m ashamed. I am. But I’m a rehabilitated person now and I just can’t surround myself with this kind of fuckery.

If you have enough time to waste on decorating a planner with stickers all day then you can’t possibly have your shit even remotely together and I can’t go down that rabbit hole again. Sorry girl.

I feel good about these 8 but I know you guys have more! Rant with me! What stupid trends bother you or make you cringe?! Which ones do you think have been around for just too long and need to stop!? The kardashian era?! The hipster era?! Lol! Let it out!

29 thoughts on “If You Love These “Trends” We Can’t Be Friends. Or maybe We Just Need Some Time To Re-Evaluate Our “Friendship”.”

  1. Oh my gosh, girl. You are hilarious!! 😂 From 4-8, I agree with every word!! Especially #6, like… I wish I never had to wear mine & people are out here wearing fake ones?! I’m so confused.

    There are SO many trends I hate. I hate UGGs, those big white trainers/sneakers, Birkenstocks, crop top hoodies, fishnets in public, Kanye’s clothes, lol I could go on…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve saw loooads of ski-suits that were basically waterproof overalls. You need to get your arse up to Canada to tell these people off! They were reeeeally expensive too!

    My rant is for people that can’t understand roundabouts. They are not that hard, but drivers here seem to lose their ability to drive when they get near them! I had a cockwomble almost run me over this morning on a roundabout. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh. My. God. I don’t know what a cockwomble is, but I’m using my vivid imagination and I’m adopting his word into my vocabulary box titled “shit to randomly scream at people when they piss me off” 😂 I LOVVVEEEE THAT WORD!!!! It just slides off the tongue beautifully! Thank you!! Thank you for reading, for the new word, and for just existing Josypheen!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “Minions wear overalls” Ahahahahaha that’ll now be the first thing I think of whenever I see someone in overalls! Proud to say I passed this friendship test with flying colours. That picture of nails kinda freaked me out. It’s like a unicorn horn on your finger? I don’t wanna judge too much since I’m a guy, so I’ll just defer to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL I knew you would pass LOL 😂. And yes unicorn horns on fingers- you NAILED it. (I don’t need to call out puns in this bloglationship do I?!) and listen it’s enough you even commented an almost purely female rant. Appreciate that effort! Lol

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I love reading your posts, you’re one of my favorite people on the planet, but if we ever met in real life you would definitely hate me.

    I think stiletto nails are awesome specifically BECAUSE they are so terrifying (I don’t wear them because I bake and type and stiletto nails make both tasks impossible, but I do have some stiletto press-on nails I wear sometimes to channel my inner dominatrix).

    I definitely say “minute.” One of my very good friends says “mad” more often than a 31-year-old man probably should.

    I think the grey hair trend is cute. And while I’m waaaaaaay too lazy to do it myself, I think contouring is really interesting from an artistic perspective. Like, you made yourself look like a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON! JUST USING COLORED GOOP! I wouldn’t do it for a first date or anything, but if I wasn’t so lazy I’d probably do it for Instagram.

    Also, I have, like, six planners/bullet journals and all but one of them are filled with color-coded notes and stickers and shit. But, I look at that the same way I look at scrapbooking–it’s a fun thing to do to relax and if I don’t have time to do it in the sea of all the other shit I have to do then I just write my to-do list and move on. So, I kind of get this one because I like decorating my planners, but I do prioritize getting things done before doing all the fancy pretty shit. I have definitely read “planner confessions” from those Instagram famous planner girls that are like, “I only got 3/45 things done this week, but sometimes that happens!” every. single. week. and thought, “Why do you even have a planner, then? Like, just do creative journaling or scrapbooking?” So, I feel you on this one.

    Everything else I’m not really into, but also doesn’t really bug me. Except for fake prescription glasses. Those fools don’t know the struggle of accidentally knocking your glasses off the nightstand in the morning and being late to work because you couldn’t find them because you’re literally blind without your glasses. Fuck those bitches.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Adie!!!! I love MORE just for being so honest!!! You’re so hysterical. WE ARE STILL FRIENDS!!! Lol @ JUST SCRAPBOOK then… so true! I’m all bark and ZERO bite girl. 🤷🏻‍♀️😆😬

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Also, thank you for loving me even when I’m a judge-y asshole like this LOL. I appreciate ALL OF YOU!!! You are unique and amazing and I need you in my life ok even if we never meet in person! You matter! Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Fuuuuck yes!
    I kinda like short dungarees or dungaree dresses though because I’m short and skinny and they FIT! It’s a comfort thing not a style thing though – I don’t dress for anyone but me!
    What the fuck are you hunting? Tinkerbell?
    YOLO – grounds for murder along with FURREAL and Shut The Front Door.
    Man up and say fuck you cunts 😂

    Liked by 2 people

      Oh my GOD!!! Lmfaooo. Also? I don’t know what dungarees are? So NO judgement there! What I don’t know can’t hurt me right?! Lol. “SHUT the front door” hhaaaaa!!! Cannot!! Also: YES to the FUCK YOU CUNTS. Why can’t everyone grow a set?! Love you girl. Oh man. Lol 😂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t care how much Instagram pushes big ass dad sneakers into my face, them shits are ugly and I refuse to accept them. Let’s see, here’s a pretty dress. What shall I wear with it? Of course, orthopedic dad sneakers. Eww.

    Also, full disclosure, we’ll be having a friendship talk because I own a basket full of fake glasses. I’ve loved glasses since I was a kid and actually wore real ones for a year because some hack doctor told me I needed them. Now I buy all the pretty fake ones like a real poser. Nothing completes a look like the perfect pair, lolol. You promised me forever!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Omg thank goodness we can still be friends! I’m not sure I could handle the emotional trauma of having to give you up, Ely lol I’ve had too much emotional trauma this week. But I 100% agree with you on every single thing on this list! Except, I do admit I use “minute”. Not a lot, but it happens. But everything else haha!

    PS: I loved the nanna from “The Nanny” she was hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. The nail art craze is a bit too much. How does one do daily tasks with those things. Also the eye lashes on cars thing is stupid. Some people will also put Christmas wreaths on the front of their cars. Fake prescription glasses are for posers.

    Liked by 1 person

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