Stiletto Shaped Nails
WHY do your nails look like weapons? Is this even legal? Are you allowed on airplanes or inside of bars? First of all I’m terrified of you and secondly, I question your ability to properly wipe your own ass. I’m sorry. But I do. I have doubts. I don’t even want to think about what lives underneath those nails. OMGAH! So unsanitary. Just no. StileNOPE nails. Just NOPE.
I don’t know who makes the rules but at some point recently, overalls slithered their way into people’s wardrobes like slimy evil snakes and then suddenly they were socially acceptable? Not in my book bro. Let me make this very clear: overalls are not ok. Whether it’s a dress, a skirt, shorts or pants- it doesn’t really matter. Overalls, are not ok. Scarecrows wear overalls. Minions wear overalls. Farmers wear overalls. Need I say more? Ok fine I have one more. And babies wear overalls (though I burned any overalls anyone ever gifted my children but don’t aunt Margarita guys she is sooo sensitive). So unless you’re a legit newborn-farmer-scarecrow-minion? Just Stop. Overall, overalls suck.
3. Eyelashes attached to headlights
It’s cute if you’re a 16 year old virgin who drives a yellow VW Beetle and works part-time at Claire’s or Justice. But if you’re a grown ass adult (virgin or not) it’s not cute and I’m cutting you off in traffic and then giving you the finger. Grow up lady.
You could’ve fed children in Africa with that stupidly spent money. Says the girl who spends 10$ a day on coffee. But this wasn’t about me, Susan. You cunt. This was about the lady with the super extra false lashes on her car. Get it together.
4. The Use of the Words “lit” “mad” “minute” and “fire“
So I haven’t had a big house party in a minute but I invited mad people and it’s gonna be lit! And you know I’m baking my own cake and that shit gon’ be fire!
If you speak like this in an actual real life adult conversation, you’re not invited to my party. I’m not saying I have the best “language etiquette”. No. I don’t. I say fuck a lot but that’s classic. Like Webster knows this. Webster understands. The term fuck is universal and socially acceptable. In my social circle and within my universe, at least. You can always just add fuck to anything and spice it up! Fuck to the English language is the equivalent of what Sazon Completo is to Cuban food (complete seasoning). It just makes everything pop. It makes like better.
5. Purposefully dyed GREY hair
Ok maybe I’m wrong on this one but I strongly fucking believe that anyone who is too young to have a head full of naturally grey hair should not be dying their hair grey! Like WHY are you in such a hurry honey? Think this through with me for a sec because in due time- that shit will be grey on its own and nothing will cover it. And then you will fight to try to change it to the color you naturally had once upon a time and you will fail miserably. Because time and Mother Nature are no match for chemicals. I mean it’s just beyond me. I don’t get it. I don’t like it. I’m over here trying to keep myself looking young and vibrant while these 22 year olds are over there trying to look like…
6. Fake “Prescription” Glasses
There are some of us out here who are legitimately blind and who wish we weren’t but we make the best of it by wearing cute, stylish glasses right? I have like 5 different pairs that I can switch depending on my mood or the weather or what side of the bed I wake up on. But I actually cannot legally drive without them and life is a fuzzy blur without them.
And so you see, I’m super offended by the 3-6 people who have actually asked me if my glasses are “real” over the last few months. What?! Who even does that? I’m in my 30s! No I don’t shop at Claire’s for fake “cute” glasses. No. I wouldn’t wear fake glasses to work or to anywhere! No. NO. Just no. And it’s not ok at all, if you’re an adult and actually wear fake glasses just “because”. It’s not hip to need glasses people. It sucks. Be grateful for your vision, it’s a luxury that not all of us can have anymore.
Listen I love makeup. That’s no secret. You can catch me across the street from my house in a gas station at 11 pm scavenging for milk or tampons and I’ll still at least have mascara and lipgloss on. That’s just the shitty person I’ve grown to be. It makes me feel good. End of story. However. You will never catch me looking like a totally different person because I learned how to ultimately lie and reshape my face using “contouring” techniques. That shit isn’t cute. You don’t even look like yourself! What happens when you go on a date and then gasp! you have to shower?! Or your 2nd date happens to involve a beach or a pool? Ummm? Surprise?!
I could probably get in trouble for using these images on my blog but in my defense, they’re on fucking google. Sue me. I dare you. And for the record, I’m not saying these women aren’t beautiful to begin with. I’m just saying the change is just too drastic.
One more thing?
WAY too much fucking work.
8. Overdone “Planners”
This is gonna be a tough one for me. Once upon a time I spent more time and invested more money on decorating my planners with overloads of overpriced stickers and bullshit than time or effort invested into actually accomplishing anything I listed in said planner. Like my goals in life considered of making my planner pretty and not actually reaching any adult goals. It was a bit of an addiction, I’ll admit that. Also? That wasn’t that long ago. I’m ashamed. I am. But I’m a rehabilitated person now and I just can’t surround myself with this kind of fuckery.
If you have enough time to waste on decorating a planner with stickers all day then you can’t possibly have your shit even remotely together and I can’t go down that rabbit hole again. Sorry girl.
I feel good about these 8 but I know you guys have more! Rant with me! What stupid trends bother you or make you cringe?! Which ones do you think have been around for just too long and need to stop!? The kardashian era?! The hipster era?! Lol! Let it out!