Is this a thing now? A weekly segment with the Fox?!
Well let’s not make any promises. I’m not very popular in the consistency department, but I fully intend on upping my fuckeries and keeping a more steady flow of petty ranting for your souls. The world needs more ranting and I’m here to make the change that matters! Vote for the Fox! Because… when it comes down to gettin’ real, she gives no fox!
Ok wait did I just start a presidential campaign?
Can I just add a side note here we go and say that I didn’t plan this post out nor this once a week excuse to have some form of predictable “theme” thing for people to look forward to because my blog and therefore my entire life is falling apart? I have no clue what I’m doing or what I’m about to rant about so buckle up butterfuckincups, I’m bleeding from my double-jointed fingertips (yea. no. That was not a typo. I have double jointed fingers and knees. Go play in traffic Susan) and whatever happens well, happens.
1- I have to wash my hair every single day, practically. But the people who I choose to involve in my personal business, stylists, and hair gurus- are constantly like “what?! Nooooo! Don’t do thattttt, that’s so badddd” and then I’m like OKURR, But my hair gets greasy, very quickly. WTF am I supposed to do?! And they’re like “stop washing it everyday, duh. That’s why it’s greasy.” And then I’m like what?! My hair gets greasy if I don’t wash it and now you’re telling me NOT to wash it because washing it makes it get greasy?! So no matter what I do, I lose. It’s a lose-lose. You win grease, you win. Well no you don’t actually. Because I’m washing you. TONIGHT. It’s on like Donkey Kong.
And dry shampoo is a sham. Don’t come to me with that nonsense. I can’t stand it, and it doesn’t even work. If you know of one that does- hook me up. But also buy it for me. I’m tired of people being all like “ask the universe and you shall receive” so there I asked. Buy me shit, Universe.
2- How am I turning 33, not knowing that Christopher Columbus has been officially disqualified? The man was a douchebag and all the “facts” I grew up learning are supposed to be unlearned? WHAT?! I officially trust no one and have questions for all the dead fucks including Edison, Bell, Ford, Franklin, Einstein, Darwin, Davinci- SHOW YO-SELVES!
3- If you’re in a line at ANY kind of drive through and there are cars in front and behind you, and there’s no way out it’s obvious that you’re committed. You’re stuck. Deal with it and wait your turn. BEEPING while in a peaceful line at a Starbucks drive through at 7:38 am will get you fucking nowhere. WTF is wrong with you? You’re too ghetto for Starbucks. You can’t have coffee with us, asshole.
4- Hurricane Michael hit Florida today and while Miami is in the clear, Monday is my birthday and it’s just too close to home damn it. I’ve experienced so many hurricanes and storms on the day of or near my birthday since I was born it’s just disgusting.
On my 15th birthday I locked myself in my room and decided that in attempt to express my anger towards Mother Nature it would be a phenomenal idea to flip things upside down or face down or inside out . Because that’s what I felt my life was. Upside down. Face down. Inside out. Needless to say my aunt walked in and broke out into a hysterical laughter which only made me more angry. Oh to be 15 and angry again thinking “my life is over” every other day. If only I knew.
5- I don’t know what’s worse right now. The mosquito virus causing paralysis in children or the pathetic amount of sexual harassment and rape accusations being brought to light 567 years later that can’t even be proven to be true and men being punished for it- only because I have a son. Also, don’t give me the other side of it, I have 2 daughters as well. Relax. And don’t talk to me about Cosby or Kavanaugh because I can’t change what’s happened or happening. And it’s exhausting and I don’t want to discuss it. I guess the mosquito virus is worse and shouldn’t have been mentioned next to rape but it happened.
6- I trust no one with my birthday cake. If I don’t make it myself, I don’t want one. Isn’t that sick? Do you have a talent that you just don’t trust anyone else doing especially if it’s for you or someone close?! Like if you’re a badass sweater knitter, would you want some random bitch knitting YOUR sweater? But more important than this- if you wear home made knitted sweaters it’s unlikely we are even friends to begin with so don’t even bother answering that. NEXXXTT?!
7- Unwarranted eye contact is the worst. Like I did not want to make eye contact with you, sir in the elevator. It was purely accidental. Please don’t speak to me. Also? dude in the truck next to me in traffic? I sensed you staring at me and I was so uncomfortable I figured if I looked at you and made it awkward you’d look away but now you think I wanna smash or marry you but I assure you this was not chemistry. Please proceed to run into the nearest light pole. If you even think about lowering your window I will throw this old bottled water at you. Someone’s going to jail. Let’s be cordial and keep it moving.
8- You know this quote?
I legit live my life by this. A good dose of caffeine and classic Bone Thugs n Harmony always does the trick for me. Also? An Amazon order of something cute and unnecessary. My emotions justify my shopping habits.
9- Actively on my to-do list:
10- I saw this post on Facebook earlier about breastfeeding.. I REALLY wanted to respond, but it was clearly posted by a boob-milk-junky so it would lead me to stay up all night, arguing back and forth with irrational, restless and hormonal new mothers foaming at the mouth. So can I just say this here?! Because I feel safer here. Ok cool. Here goes nothin’:
I DO NOT FUCKING CARE HOW YOU CHOOSE TO FEED YOUR CHILD, LADY. But it is NOT OK to whip your drippy boob out in full, in a public setting without any regards to your surroundings or even so much as a blanket to cover yourself up.
I’m SO sorry that I’m not sorry. I’m over it. YES it is natural. SO IS SEX, but it can’t happen in public, in a park bench in broad daylight, on a sidewalk, or in a Walmart in the middle of aisle 15 where the hot glue gun sticks and the buttons are, no matter HOW natural it is. YES marijuana is natural. But people smoke it discreetly, because :::gasp::: it is not legal everywhere and you can’t just smoke a blunt in aisle 15 next to the hot glue gun sticks and the buttons either. YES there are nude beaches. But they are ISOLATED and being “naturally” nude on a beach is NOT legal everywhere. Point being? There are DESIGNATED PLACES for certain “natural” but not-so-natural-after-all things. Find appropriate designated areas to breastfeed. And if not, cover the fuck up, at least. And if not? Pump yo milk, and put it in bottles woman.
AGAIN, I am NOT against breastfeeding. I am against the disrespect and the way this whole breast feeding bullshit is being taken to unnecessary levels. You wanna post pictures of your 5 year old kid sucking on your tit with his fangs online for the world to see? Fine. Do you boo-boo. Not my fucking business. But don’t be so self-righteous and use the oh this is natural excuse to defend your behavior because you’re the first stuck-up bitches criticizing women who like to pose nude or show their bodies off online. WHY?! That shit is natural too. Well- some of it is purchased, but still, “natural”. So what gives? Also? This was NOT a personal attack. This was a general statement.
Until next time foxy friends!