Deep Into The Foxhole, Humor, Lifestyle Rants, Money Rants, Soul-Searching Rants, Witty Rants

Preach On, Preachy Preachin’ Preacher!

Ok first of all?

I know a lot about life. When people open their souls to me and tell me their struggles (may the Lort (that wasn’t a typo) be with them) I’m always thinking to myself meh. Been there done that bought the t-shirt, the mug, the keychain, and the bumper sticker. What else ya got? Again, these are things I think to myself. I’m not an insensitive sheep killer. Ok maybe I am sometimes. It just depends. Like have I had my coffee yet for example? Is it morning time? Are my stars aligned? Am I wearing my sunglasses indoors and if so, proceed to NOT approach me or speak to me. Don’t even look at me. You’ll turn to stone. You done been warned.

But I try not to make it so obvious that I’ve been through “so much”… I think everyone deserves their time to shine in their darknesses. I don’t know how to explain where I’m headed with this so you’re gonna have to figure me out. Here’s a lifeline, you’re gonna need it.

My point is (I never have a point though do I?) I just know things. I’ve had a very old soul since I was a little girl and I’ve been through an incredible amount of fuckery. You know this. This post isn’t a pity post about my childhood traumas nor my psychotic breakdowns :::looks in the mirror and recites::: I’m awesome. I’m a ball of black glistening sunshine from hell, do you hear me? I’m a positive ray of light from a sun lost in a parallel universe.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m even saying. Now where was I, even? Ugh. I cannot stand myself. I can’t. I cannot. Give me back my lifeline, I need it more than you, damnit. What’s that you say? I’m an Indian giver?! Oh yea well so’s your mom! BOOOM! Oh she’s dead? OF COURSE she would be. Never fails.

What I’m getting at, is that I’m Notorious E.L.Y. (that was a Big Pun) (so was that) (oh my god what is happening to this post) for giving badass advice, but I never tend to apply said badass advice to my daily life. I’m telling you. I’m a therapist who needs intense therapy. And it’s not like my ability to give people advice isn’t genuine. It’s so genuine! I just SUCK at living my own life.

Ok ok ok hold on. This could be be the latest episode of True Life!

True life: I’m a Mental Life Mentor Who Has Everything Figured Out Except Herdamnself”

Scene 1: “Listen girl. All you gotta do is cut rice, bread, and soda out of your diet and TRUST ME! I swear you’ll see a difference in a week! You won’t even recognize yourself! It works for me!”—Proceeds to get home and eat a plate full of rice and beans with a can of coke and has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at 10 pm while sitting her fatass on a recliner pretending to be a judge on The Voice all the while, cursing herself and wishing death on the Universe.

Scene 2: “…If you just set that goal! Girl! Make a goal to separate 50$ from every paycheck! You’ll be in Greece or Iceland (actual dreams) before you even know it! It’s not as unrealistic as everyone thinks! I should be meeting my goal next summer- we should totally plan this trip together!” —Proceeds to overdraw her bank account again for Starbucks coffee and ends up paying an overdraft fee of 30$ because she didn’t transfer money from her 2nd account on time and so she spent a whopping 35$ on a venti caramel macchiato which officially leaves her broke, fat, and nowhere fucking NEAR Greece. Whatever. I already saw it in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Those overprivileged cuntsacs.

Scene 3: “Your kid did whatttttt?!” Oh HELL naw! Girl you better put them momma pants on and put em’ on tight that boy needs a whoopin! Pfffttt!!! Oh mah GOD if that was MY kid- no no no. NOPE! Not in MY house! He needs to learn his LESSON girl! Don’t be weak now! Show. Him. Who’s. BOSS!” —-Her own kid is a dick in school and proceeds to cry tears to him and bribe him with positive reinforcement because she can’t stand to see his apologetic puppy face when he’s in trouble and would never lay a finger on him because she’s a weak hearted momma who just wants to be loved and to be a hero all the damn time like every other mom in the world. So her kids step all over her. And that’s ok. But no one needs to REALLY know that right? Right……..

I’m assuming you catch my drift.

I know how to take control, I just don’t actually do it. I know how to get fit and lean, I just don’t actually do it. I know how to do half the shit I pin on Pinterest that I love, I just don’t actually do it. I know how to manipulate my time with my cake business and maximize my profit, I just don’t actually do it. I know how to relax and how to avoid my anxiety and my absurd through-the-roof stress levels, I just don’t actually do it. I know how to manage my money I just don’t do it.

Why I can’t seem to break habits in order to make room for new healthier, smarter habits and a better me, is beyond me. It’s all so simple but yet I make things so fucking impossible and this fact applies to every detail of my life. I can have a conversation about String Theory but don’t ask me to open a can of soup. I can figure out a physics with calculus problem, but don’t ask me where the fuck I put the sugar. It’s probably in the freezer. Or in the fish tank. Or beneath the hood of my car. Who knows. Stop stressing me out.

I just feel like-

I don’t know what I feel right now because I just got a notification that I overdrew my account again. I totally lost track of this deep life rant.

Whatever at least I got my coffee. Fuck you bank.

I’m sorry I don’t have a yoga-like poetic closing paragraph to this post. It all began when I realized that I haven’t written in a while and the hiatus was rooted to a self-doubt about how I never have anything helpful or wise to write about like “hey here’s a post about how to organize your life” or “hey here’s a post about to achieve your dream bod” or “here’s a post about how to budget your next trip to the mall”.

But as I finish this ridiculous post I remind myself that I’m here for the laughs and the refreshing words that may ultimately mean nothing but a smile and a new friend who enjoys reading in a style that’s like “did we just have coffee together” because my voice is meant to be just that- familiar, relatable, and raw. Until next time.

4 thoughts on “Preach On, Preachy Preachin’ Preacher!”

  1. Oh goodness, this is so me! I give advice all the time but don’t follow a single word of it myself haha! You definitely write things that are helpful – even if it’s just to help lighten the mood of my day. It all helps 🙂 xoxo

    Like

  2. Don’t tell the others, but your blogging style is my favourite to read.
    A few things I laughed too hard at:
    1. “You done been warned”
    2. Sitting on the recliner like you’re a judge on The Voice hahah I just picture you facing the wall, not liking the singer, and then the show goes to commercial and you’re still facing the wall wondering “Can I turn around yet?”
    3. I followed all of your puns and jokes as you laid them out in brackets, almost knowing what you were going to say. Like a split second before I read that “Lort” wasn’t a typo, I said to myself, that’s not a typo. And then your whole E.L.Y. Big pun haha I knew exactly what joke was coming.

    I also suck at taking my own advice. Someone asked me this weekend for advice because “I seem levelheaded” and I think I gave them great advice, but do I actually live by the words I tell other people? Probably not. It’s like you said, I know I can, I just don’t.

    End comment. (I didn’t have a poetic closing).

    Liked by 1 person

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