Deep Into The Foxhole, Lifestyle Rants, Soul-Searching Rants, Witty Rants

The Evolution of “More”

There are, roughly one trillion and sixty three point eight thoughts rough drafts titled “How To Rule The Universe” just ricocheting around my brain this evening like a maniacal frenzy of 1,000,000,000,063.8 invisible rubber bullets.

“Typical Ely…so extra.” You say with a subtle, but still noticeable roll of eyes. “Granted.” I respond, wearing a half-smirk that gently raises my chubby right cheek. Look I have more issues than Vogue with regards to these chubby cheeks. So take it easy. I’m a sensitive baby lamb trying to figure out how the FUCK I’m going to metamorphose into a vicious tiger, come tomorrow morning. Damn it.

Ok enough about me, let’s get back to the business of me.

So there’s been this nagging, gnawing sense of “something is missing” hidden in some odd, tiny little place inside that I just can’t seem to reach. “What IS it? What do you WANT? What do you NEED?” I keep asking myself, mostly when no one is watching or listening. For safety reasons. Obviously.

And so I began digging through and dissecting myself like a suicidal little lab rat until slowly but surely there it was- like a dying firefly stuck in a crack on the side of a mountain, glowing faintly. I found it. It’s vague and it’s weak- but I found it. The answer. The “something more”. The missing jigsaw puzzle piece.


As it turns out, my 33rd time around the sun is lurking around a nearby dark corner, subtly tracing my shadow’s silhouette with it’s aging fingertip. I can feel it staring at me in utter stillness from afar. 33 is a famished lion in a savanna…hunting me; ready to devour 32. Don’t correct my punctuation choices you don’t own me. I own my semi colons; and my triple-dots…

I once feared aging, you know. I feared being so limited on time- time to do this, to go there, to see that, to buy those, to own that. When we are young, we stuff ourselves to the brinks of our souls with ambitious dreams motivated by obscure cravings for more stuff and more things. Things worth lots and lots of money. Big fancy houses and topless cars. Red bottom shoes and signature Louis Vuitton bags. Overpriced beauty tools and Botox treatments. Need I say more?

I think I passed some if not most of that era of my life and even then, none of that ever became my life nor was it ever going to. I’m glad it never did, because my life would probably be…well, some other life right now.

So when I say something is missing, it’s not a monetary thing. It’s not money, I mean we can all use a little more money but the last thing I need, is a thing that can be purchased.

I’ve learned the hard way that stuff can’t fill the holes inside. I’ve learned that no amount of covering a face with high-end make-up, war-paint can conceal the bloody battles we are fighting, and oftentimes losing inside.

I’ve learned that a shiny new car won’t stop tears from leaking out of a cracked heart during a long drive while left alone with nothing but lingering thoughts sitting in the passenger seat.

I’ve learned that a blissful day of shopping will only last as long as the money does and all bets are off the moment you’re back home- with bags and stacks of useless shit that can’t turn back the stubborn hands of time.

Pretty things don’t fucking care.

No.

I need more- light.

I need more-confidence.

I need more- self-growth.

I need more – umph. More YES I CAN! More….I AM good enough.

I want to grow- as a writer, as an artist, as a mother, as an entrepreneur, as a woman, as a human being.

I want to learn, everything. About everything. I want to study a globe and memorize the names of cities I may never visit in my life.

I want to learn a third, even a fourth language. Specifically Haitian Creole and American Sign Language.

I want to study the enigmas of black holes and deep sea waters. I want to re-learn the life of a human cell and read about Darwin and the Galápagos Islands all over again as I did in advanced Cell Bio back in the day.

I want to learn how to reach parts of the brain that humans can’t typically reach. I want to experience a higher sense of self. I want to feel high without using drugs.

I want to give back to my community and volunteer to help- and I want my kids to be there with me. I want to give more.

I want to feel more full of life. I want to feel like I’ve done something that matters and makes a difference.

I want more time. Not to be able to accumulate things. But to be able to accumulate inner peace.


Have you ever felt like this?! Like you just need to evolve as a person and you don’t really know where or how the hell to begin?! Maybe it’s like starting a diet! Like you know you should stop eating fucking cupcakes but you don’t know where or how to begin to stop eating cupcakes?! Sounds about right to me. Damn cupcakes.

PS- I know a great baker.

13 thoughts on “The Evolution of “More””

  1. This post was vintage Fox – hilarious and so thought provoking all at the same time. Also, I just really love cupcakes. But yes, I know exactly what you mean about evolving as a person! I have those same thoughts around birthdays. I guess they force us to look ahead and what we want to be, then we look in the mirror and laugh because we’re nowhere close to that and then we eat cupcakes and give up lol. I think life would be easier if everyone stopped pretending they knew what they were doing because to the rest of us, it looks like they’re thriving which means we aren’t. I don’t know how to end this comment. Cupcakes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha!!! Best closing to a comment ever! “Cupcakes” ok bye! Lmao 😂 yea I feel like this always happens around another birthday. The almighty questioning of all things “life”. And “but then we eat cupcakes and give up” comment is accurate on such a deeper level, lol 😂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I would blame Autumn. Autumn always has me feeling all magical and restless like I want to be a vampire and never age and find a time machine and shit. Soon winter will be on us and we will be once again uninspired by things like deep waters and just want to eat casseroles and not be disturbed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL! That is nothing but the damn truth! Also? What is Autumn?! That doesn’t exist here on Planet Florida. It’s like, “fake Fall” because leaves don’t even change color… and it’s still summer and then winter is like “oh look! Is this FALL maybe?! Because a cool wind sweeps by us. Lol 🙄 miss you so so so. Xo

      Like

  3. I had very similar feelings and then I went on a journey, it has been a fucking roller coaster ride but OMG what a ride!! HOWEVER at the end of the ride ya know I still feel like there is something more….Maybe we never find that missing bit, maybe if did the journey would be over and there would be no more adventures to be had!? Who the fuck knows really!!!
    Can I have glitter on my cupcake please!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess it really does happen around birthdays! Birthdays are another reminder that life is getting shorter and we should have our cake and eat it too! Happy belated you beautiful soul!!!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally know where you’re coming from, ugh. There are so many topics I can’t put into words… just lingering. Hoping we can both fill those holes and get over it soon!!! Xoxo

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