There are, roughly one trillion and sixty three point eight
thoughts rough drafts titled “How To Rule The Universe” just ricocheting around my brain this evening like a maniacal frenzy of 1,000,000,000,063.8 invisible rubber bullets.
“Typical Ely…so extra.” You say with a subtle, but still noticeable roll of eyes. “Granted.” I respond, wearing a half-smirk that gently raises my chubby right cheek. Look I have more issues than Vogue with regards to these chubby cheeks. So take it easy. I’m a sensitive baby lamb trying to figure out how the FUCK I’m going to metamorphose into a vicious tiger, come tomorrow morning. Damn it.
Ok enough about me, let’s get back to the business of me.
So there’s been this nagging, gnawing sense of “something is missing” hidden in some odd, tiny little place inside that I just can’t seem to reach. “What IS it? What do you WANT? What do you NEED?” I keep asking myself, mostly when no one is watching or listening. For safety reasons. Obviously.
And so I began digging through and dissecting myself like a suicidal little lab rat until slowly but surely there it was- like a dying firefly stuck in a crack on the side of a mountain, glowing faintly. I found it. It’s vague and it’s weak- but I found it. The answer. The “something more”. The missing jigsaw puzzle piece.
As it turns out, my 33rd time around the sun is lurking around a nearby dark corner, subtly tracing my shadow’s silhouette with it’s aging fingertip. I can feel it staring at me in utter stillness from afar. 33 is a famished lion in a savanna…hunting me; ready to devour 32. Don’t correct my punctuation choices you don’t own me. I own my semi colons; and my triple-dots…
I once feared aging, you know. I feared being so limited on time- time to do this, to go there, to see that, to buy those, to own that. When we are young, we stuff ourselves to the brinks of our souls with ambitious dreams motivated by obscure cravings for more stuff and more things. Things worth lots and lots of money. Big fancy houses and topless cars. Red bottom shoes and signature Louis Vuitton bags. Overpriced beauty tools and Botox treatments. Need I say more?
I think I passed some if not most of that era of my life and even then, none of that ever became my life nor was it ever going to. I’m glad it never did, because my life would probably be…well, some other life right now.
So when I say something is missing, it’s not a monetary thing.
It’s not money, I mean we can all use a little more money but the last thing I need, is a thing that can be purchased.
I’ve learned the hard way that stuff can’t fill the holes inside. I’ve learned that no amount of covering a face with high-end
make-up, war-paint can conceal the bloody battles we are fighting, and oftentimes losing inside.
I’ve learned that a shiny new car won’t stop tears from leaking out of a cracked heart during a long drive while left alone with nothing but lingering thoughts sitting in the passenger seat.
I’ve learned that a blissful day of shopping will only last as long as the money does and all bets are off the moment you’re back home- with bags and stacks of useless shit that can’t turn back the stubborn hands of time.
Pretty things don’t fucking care.
I need more- light.
I need more-confidence.
I need more- self-growth.
I need more – umph. More YES I CAN! More….I AM good enough.
I want to grow- as a writer, as an artist, as a mother, as an entrepreneur, as a woman, as a human being.
I want to learn, everything. About everything. I want to study a globe and memorize the names of cities I may never visit in my life.
I want to learn a third, even a fourth language. Specifically Haitian Creole and American Sign Language.
I want to study the enigmas of black holes and deep sea waters. I want to re-learn the life of a human cell and read about Darwin and the Galápagos Islands all over again as I did in advanced Cell Bio back in the day.
I want to learn how to reach parts of the brain that humans can’t typically reach. I want to experience a higher sense of self. I want to feel high without using drugs.
I want to give back to my community and volunteer to help- and I want my kids to be there with me. I want to give more.
I want to feel more full of life. I want to feel like I’ve done something that matters and makes a difference.
I want more time. Not to be able to accumulate things. But to be able to accumulate inner peace.
Have you ever felt like this?! Like you just need to evolve as a person and you don’t really know where or how the hell to begin?! Maybe it’s like starting a diet! Like you know you should stop eating fucking cupcakes but you don’t know where or how to begin to stop eating cupcakes?! Sounds about right to me. Damn cupcakes.
PS- I know a great baker.