Witty Rants

Falling Outta Fall: A Pumpkin Rant

Brace yourselves. It’s (apparently) pumpkin-flavored/scented/spiced everything season.

I can’t possibly paint a vivid-enough picture of just how far back into my damn skull my eyes are rolling right now. I’m staring at my cerebellum. It’s not that cute guys. Seriously. It’s a hot mess back here- like my brain needs a makeover. I abhor detestdespiseloathe can’t find a verb with the strength and capacity to explain just how much I can’t stand pumpkin-anydamnthing.

The mere existence of this big-for-nothing, wanna-be-fruit-vegetable-impersonating-seedy-orange-demon-imposter baffles me, bothers me, and ruins not only my favorite season of the year but also, my birthday month (October) and my favorite holidays (Halloween and thanksgiving) and I guess the month of September too but whatever- September can go fly a kite. Too bad pumpkins can’t be kites. Bahahah! I win! I’m not sure what I won, but I win!

Why, you ask? What did pumpkins ever do to me, you ask? Nothing, actually. I’m just utterly disgusted by the artificial “spice” and “harvest” scents that people have developed in the name of the pumpkin. Oh and also? I dislike the way they look, I dislike their meaty insides, and I dislike the way they are oddly and inconsistently shaped (this is misleading…which means I can’t trust them, clearly).

But most of all, (LOL I actually just laughed at myself because when does it end right?) I hate the way that pumpkins taste in any shape or form. I don’t give a shit if you boil, smash, bake, fry, liquify, garnish them with a million dollars, or have them blessed by the hands of the creator of the Universe. I’m not putting that shady stuff anywhere near my mouth.

Ok. Maybe if they’re garnished with a million bucks. But I’ll never be the same and no amount of money can fix that kind of trauma. I’m just saying.

To make matters worse, it’s not even FALL! Yet the world is spinning on a pumpkin axis and rotating around a pumpkin ball of fire and it’s raining pumpkin seeds and the birds are pooping pumpkin meat onto my windshield and pumpkin memes have possessed every social media platform and everything smells like pumpkin! Why?!

I just stood in line at a Publix while typing this post and:

WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING!?

Anyways, I’m ready to squash this squash epidemic and I think it’s time you get your facts straight before falling into the Fall bullshit.


CARVING OUT THE TRUTH!

  • Overconsumption of pumpkin can lead to several health complications, contrary to popular belief: It can cause hypoglycemia (low blood sugar levels) and can be dangerous for a diabetic person!
  • Overconsumption can also cause dangerously low blood pressure
  • Don’t ask me to define overconsumption because in my book, that means “if you consume any level of pumpkin you will die a poisonous painful death, bitch, so good luck with that”
  • Swallowing pumpkin seeds can lead to a pumpkin sprouting from your stomach and it will grow until you explode! I mean is it worth it?! Are you ready for that?
  • Pumpkins, and pumpkin spice flavoring was developed by the founders of the Illuminati back in 1879 B.C. as a way to distract the basic-bitch population from major government conspiracies and tragic acts of terrorism that were planned and executed right beneath their pumpkin-clogged noses. Venomous. Soul-poison. I’m telling you. I had to illegally deep through forbidden documents in secret archives in the Vatican to get this information. I put my life on the line for you. You’re welcome.
  • It has also been said that pumpkin spice lattes are being used as a means of population control. Everyone who has every consumed a pumpkin spice latte has a trigger-venom lingering in their bloodstream until the year 2025- at which point someone with a switch will say “lights out” and then you will all disintegrate. Vanish. Poof. Gone. Just like that. Because there aren’t enough parking spaces or seats in Chili’s restaurants anymore and some people just gotta go. Sorry.
  • Pumpkin was also used as a “safer” means of brainwashing military personnel. They were injected with some liquified pumpkin-derivative in order to erase their memories of underground missions they were forced to participate in against their will.
  • Also there is currently enough evidence to support that pumpkin spice anything leads to severe cases of PTSD in which people spend months at a time posting pumpkin spice memes and spending their life-savings on pumpkin spice flavored and scented food and candles and sprays.
  • Some victims have even suffered Trump-Syndrome, in which they poison their blood with so much pumpkin their skin has permanently changed to an odd orange shade.

So there’s some stuff to think about before the next time you order that Pumpkin Spice Latte, or take a bite of that pumpkin pie, or purchase that “Harvest” Febreeze spray. You’ll thank me in the year 2025 when the pumpkin-addict standing next to you disappears and you’re still standing there…

In the meantime, somebody just put me to sleep until the pumpkin fuckeries are over and done with. I’ll settle for whatever Michael Jackson was having. Make it a double.

15 thoughts on “Falling Outta Fall: A Pumpkin Rant”

  1. I admit… I do enjoy a pumpkin pie. But only a slice or two, right around Thanksgiving… maybe Christmas if it happens to linger that long. But I’m the only person in my family who likes pumpkin pie, so my grandmother usually makes it with me in mind, I have my slice, and then they send the rest home with me. But I don’t want the whole pie…

    I will agree, though, that the pumpkin flavored everything of our culture is way over the top. I saw someone post a picture of pumpkin flavored Frosted Flakes at the store. I personally saw pumpkin flavored M&Ms at a gas station a couple weeks ago and about vomited in my mouth. I can deal with everyone’s seasonal obsession with pumpkin spice lattes. I don’t understand it, but I can deal with it. But it kind of pissed me off when Starbucks decided to put it back on the menu this year in the last week of August. It’s just too soon.

    Like when people start listening to Christmas music in October…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. HAHAHAHA. OMG. I fucking hate pumpkin-spice anything, and this post made my morning. Thank you for writing this authentic dissection of the pumpkin epidemic. I am so relieved to know that in 2025 I will be the one left standing because I refrained from filling my body with that vile poison. YOU’VE ALL BEEN WARNED. Amazing! Still laughing…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Okay. I’m just gonna say it… I liked pumpkin spiced lattes before it became cool. But I’m so anti-trendy stuff that I can’t remember the last time I consumed one. It’s sad really. I don’t go out of my mind avoiding anything with pumpkin in it (’cause deep down I’m still just a basic white bitch), but I don’t understand the hype surrounding pumpkin products.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL I hear you! I’m the type that runs away from the hype. And then like 3 years later when it’s forgotten, I get all hyped up about it and everyone is like ummm where the fuck have YOU been? And I’m all like- let me live. I have too much anxiety for HYPES. I knew what was going on, I just stayed in the background. Lmfao at still being a “basic white bitch”.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hahah this exceeded the hype. I’ve decided that you need your own TV segment, like a 5-8 minute rant during the nightly news where they throw it over to you sitting at a desk and ready to rant. I’ve never tried anything pumpkin spice related and have no interest in doing so. I think my problem with the whole thing is how much people talk about it and post pictures of it. IT’S JUST A LIQUID IN A CUP. If I didn’t have to see it 4 times a day on social media, I probably would’ve even know it exists and wouldn’t care about it.

    Like

    1. Lmao!!!! I just had SO many visuals of myself sitting at a desk like Jimmy Fallon or whoever and someone just blurting out topics and me like BLABBERING at 100 MPH lol!!!!! That’s awesome. And yea- stupid STUPID liquid for real. Ugh.

      Liked by 1 person

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