Parenting Rants, Soul-Searching Rants

Low-Key Badass Parenting

When I started blogging again towards the end of June last year- PS: I totally missed my re-bloggaversary, but I’m still accepting gifts and trophies and any kind of attention that doesn’t require me to be seen or touched or directly spoken to- I sort of made an unspoken pact to leave my kids out of my writing.

Mommy-blogging really isn’t my forte. Maybe it’s because sweary moms who give advice along the lines of “fuck that, show that little shit who’s boss. Let him have a tantrum at the mall and keep walkin’ until he gets his shit together” when it comes to a spoiled toddler, is generally frowned upon by the basic, single-minded Gap-shopping mommies of the world.

But actually it’s because I find most mommy bloggers to be slightly super sketchy suburban over-privileged know-it-all housewives who pretend their babies have never rolled off a bed and landed on the hard cold marble floor while they were applying 37$ mascara in the mirror just a few feet away. It happens and that’s the harsh truth. The business of motherhood is fucking hard and babies don’t come with instruction manuals. I wish more of us would own up to the dirty realities.

Like Bitch please. I see you hiding that pile of dirty laundry under your bed before your guests arrive. I see you kicking toys under the couch. I saw how you forgot to buckle your kid up in his car seat that one time you were in a rush. I see those unshaved leg hairs crawling out from the edges of your ankle-high leggings like baby tarantulas desperate for oxygen. I saw you feed that baby non-organic food, devil woman. Don’t even play with me.

Maybe I’m stereotyping. I admit it. Just be adults and deal with my childishness, OK?

Clearly I’m feeling some type of way in the mommy department and I have things to say. I call bullshit on cookie-cutter parenting theories and opinions. So here is some maybe for-sure distorted, but real-life parenting advice. Take it or leave it. At the very least you can laugh at what an asshole a contemporary mom I am?


ON DISCIPLINE AND “FRIENDSHIP”

I’m a pretty chill mom. I don’t hit my kids. I was raised with some fucked up theories on what the difference between discipline and border-line abuse is, and considering that I have an anger management issue as it is, I made a conscious decision not to use physical force with my kids long before I even became a mom. It just isn’t effective. And it isn’t fair. At the end of a beating all a kid feels is resent, anger, and a loss of trust. I would know.

On another note I know so many people who really believe that a mom should be a mom before a friend, but I can’t tell you how deeply I disagree with this. I will be the one my kids come to. They will trust me. I will support them through all of their phases. If they kill someone, I will hide the fucking body. It’s that simple. Yes. I will be their best friend and their mother. And don’t tell me I can’t do both. I work a full time job and I run a cake business from home and I write in a blog and I read and I shower and I parent my kids and I cater to my husband. So just don’t.

Punishment? Meh. I’ve become such an expert at making my kids feel sooooo guilty about “hurting my feelings” and “disappointing me” that they sort of punish themselves. The guilt consumes them whole. They cry and apologize till they’re blue in the face and they drop their iPads and proceed to try to “help” me around the house. In other words, I know how to beat the shit out of my kids without having to lift a finger or have them taken away from me by the system. Suckers.

ON BRIBERY

Say what you will, bribery is the way to get shit done these days. Offer a buck per chore and the little money-hungry leprechauns are zooming into custodian-on-crack mode. What? You don’t think they should be paid to do what they’re “supposed” to do? OK. What about learning the values of hard-earned money and the true value of a dollar? “I’ve been saving these 20 bucks for a month and now if I buy this toy it’s all gone and then I did ALL that work for NOTHING?! Just for one toy?!What?!” Yea. That’s right kid. It’s a hard-knock life.

ON “BULLYING

I’m kind of over all the hypersensitives out here having over-opinionated tantrums about the social expectations on how to identify and deal with bullying.

That whole sentence could be like the opening line of a badass rap-poem.

First of all Susan- your son Johnny is a pussy. So what if Jake told him his man-bun makes him look like a girl? Maybe it does.

The fact is, you allowed your kid to rock an untraditional haircut so that he can feel like a little rockstar huh? Well guess what. Rockstars are hardcore. They don’t give a shit about the Jakes of society. They’re like fuck you Jake. I’m hot. You’re jealous. Keep it movin’. And that’s the end of Jake the Jackass and next week- he’s showing up with the same cut.

Johnny needs to be taught a lesson about how “being yourself” and “standing out” requires a little bit of thick skin and a whole lot of self confidence. That’s the type of shit you need to concern yourself with instead of making a shit show at school about how your son can’t handle the shit that we’ve ALL been handling forever accept back then bullying wasn’t as “defined” as it is today because we were able to handle our own.

Teach your fucking kids to love themselves and also? To defend themselves by all means. If Johnny were my kid and Jake put his hands on him? Johnny would already know he’s allowed to fully defend himself and that he won’t be in trouble for it at home. Watch yo back Jake.

:::::drops the mic:::::

ON HUMILITY

We all know kids are everything but humble these days. 10 year olds are walking around with their iPhone 10 mega-super-extra-duper-plus’s waiting for likes and comments and thinking not only that they own the world, but that they fucking deserve the world.

Guess who’s at fault?

I’ll wait.

Listen. The last time my kids got sassy with me- not only were electronics taken away, but we took a trip to the poorest part of town- which is not very safe– and we showed them what it means to be homeless, living under a bridge and without any of the things or privileges they have. It wasn’t about judging those people- we don’t know their stories and we made that clear. It was about exposing them to the fact that they are fucking blessed and that they can lose everything, at any given time, because life is hard sometimes.

A few days later my daughter is asking if we can cook food to take to all of them. And my son is questioning whether not getting good grades in the first grade will land him under a bridge like those people.

It’s called planting a seed. Set examples for these kids and show them the other side of things. Traumatizing? Please. Nothing is more traumatizing than the stupid videos they watch on YouTube. Take them to the fucking woods and go camping without electronics. Force them to do yard work on Saturday mornings. Make them paint walls and make them scrub tiles just like we have to.

I could literally never stop writing on this subject, because there’s just so much to talk about. There are times I feel like a crap parent. There are times that I make the wrong choices. There are times when I can probably handle situations differently. There are moments I wish I could re-do. I’m incredibly flawed. But I also incredibly love my kids and I am the only kind of mom I know how to be….myself. Raw and realistic.

I wish more people expressed themselves without a filter. I wish more people were painfully truthful and more vulnerable and less afraid of the norm. I hate the world my kids are growing up in and I’m doing the best I can to prepare them for it.

What “shady” parenting tips are you proud of? What’s your take on modern day parenting?

21 thoughts on “Low-Key Badass Parenting”

  1. I taught my kids consequences! When they got to 11-12 I said I knew they were using bad language around their friends. I’m no dummy ( I did!!)
    I told them if they did and no one heard that was one thing – but if I heard, or another adult told me then they were in deep shit!
    It only took one spoon of Tabasco for them to learn about consequences and appropriate timing and how to adapt their vocabulary to their audience.
    Fucking rock star mother right here πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes!!!!!!! lol I love it. It’s ignorant to think kids won’t use bad language. What I don’t know, won’t hurt me for the most part. They can be open with me, but never disrespectfully. I totally agree with you! We have to be realistic on what these kids are going to do when we aren’t around and they should KNOW how to behave in the presence of us, and other adults. Go you!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You get my vote for Mom of the Year ❀️ this is wonderful and even though I don’t have kids yet, this is precisely the type of parenting I had in mind for myself. Parents these days are way too sensitive which, in the end, creates a sensitive and entitled child. And that whole bit about people thinking moms can’t be best friends? What is this, 1955? Hahah

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks jess! Makes me smile to know we share that mentality! We def need to toughen up and relax! The man-bun thing actually happened to my son. He is only 6 and begged to let his hair grow because he wanted a man bun I said FINE, but you better be ready to deal with other boys trying to make you feel bad about it, because not everyone will like it and that’s OK. Sure enough he was being called a girl- etc. dumb shit. I said ok so just tell them they’re jealous because their hair will never grow cool like his and plus, their moms probably still treat them like babies so they can’t choose their hair styles. Boom. And Lol @ 1955! Seriously! Thanks for reading girl.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes! I get told that I’m not allowed to have an opinion because I don’t have kids which I get to an extent but that doesn’t mean I know a thing or two from my own childhood. I agree with everything you said, except it depends on bullying for me because bullying can get out of hand. But I hope to be as good of a mother as you when I have kids because this is exactly how I feel! Too many moms act so perfect & push breastfeeding or not breastfeeding, judge other mothers. If they aren’t abusing their kids, wtf does it matter? I want my kids to be tough, defend themselves, and heave a good head on their shoulders. I think your parenting is aces. Seriously.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Casey, being chill, and being totally careless are two different worlds right? Believe me- I dealt with bullying growing up- starting with a stepfather who traumatized me about the size of my forehead to such an extent that I begged my mom for bangs and to this day, at 32.5 years old, I wear side bangs daily and have never not once pulled my hair back in a pony tail in public- EVER. I meant to say that these days , literally the dumbest shit is called bullying and the term has been abused. I think kids will be KIDS, and some things are just too stupid to stress. But I don’t in any way condone a true case of bullying. Hell no.
      Also YES on judgy breast feeding moms but that’s a whole post on its own lol!!
      You are def entitled to your opinion- I think humans are meant to be parents though some choose not to be- and that’s ok- but my point is that we are built with these natural parenting instincts whether we like it or not and it’s totally fine to consider what you would or wouldn’t do as parent. People who choose not to be parents are usually obsessed with pets or with plants or with some kind of something that they still ultimately ” parent”!!
      Thank you for the badass comment and compliments!!! Sending all the love.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha, I want to be a parent but I have PCOS. My boyfriend & I have been trying with no luck. But you’re right, people without kids have something. I have my dogs & my cats. ❀ They are my children! But I see so much judgement on mothers from other mothers on social media. It gets old. If they arent harming their kids, it's no one's business! I figured that's what you meant with bullying. Light teasing isn't nice but it's not real bullying. What scares me is cyberbullying. Teenage girls sending nudes for guys to use as revenge porn on websites. There are actual websites dedicated to "revenge porn". Though I don't think they accept photos of underage girls but men who break up with their gfs or the gf does something they don't like, they can upload nudes she sent to him for the world to see. There's this awesome organization trying to get these websites shut down! But the amount of bullying that can be done online is terrifying, dude! that's what scares me if I have kids, especially a girl.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ugh. That shit is awful! I didn’t know that existed but then again, I’m not at all surprised to hear about it. You’re right. Cyber bullying is most def the WORST because the attacker can’t be seen and doesn’t have to face anyone. Behind a screen- there’s no limit to what people are capable of doing and it’s just disgusting. Girls are for sure, a run for your money. I’m prepared for the worst, lol and “training” them to be their best but it’s unpredictable the minute they have any kind of freedom. And again- the minute you try to TAKE their freedom- it gets even more unpredictable. It’s a lose lose. We have to find that grey area and that’s the greatest challenge I think, when it comes to parenting lol. Sigh. I really hope you’re blessed with a child some day- there are SO many options these days though they aren’t cheap- but still- there’s hope. Don’t lose that hope. Xoxox

        Liked by 1 person

  4. This is gold…really it is… I am so over the bullying BS when did it even become a thing… what’s with all the hypersensitivity. I love this post…I’m going to second consequences. I teach my kid about being responsible for his actions holding himself accountable and that everything has consequences so it’s really up to him to determine what he will do.
    I am for the rod not brutality so very rarely my kid would get an ass whopping and I’m not one bit guilty about it.

    Like

  5. Gurl, yas! My parents are quite old fashioned, so growing up I didn’t get allowances like my peers; I had to get a job. I started working at 14, and by the time I was 17, I had 3 jobs. Same with going to college. They told me if I wanted an education then I had to pay for it. There is nothing wrong with making your child work for what they want. In fact, I think it shapes them into some pretty awesome human beings. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree, and look at what an awesome human being you clearly are!!! I highly respect you! Man kids are just LAZY these days lol I can’t have that in my house, it frustrates me because we work so much and so hard. Thanks for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Now obviously I don’t have parenting experience, but I have camp counsellor experience which I think is close to the same thing. What frustrated me the most was some kids didn’t want to try anything. If they weren’t having fun after 3 minutes, or if someone wasn’t passing them a ball, they’d just give up and go sit on the sidelines. And I’m thinking, why are they here? What’s the point of this. Why are their parents paying hundreds/thousands of dollars for their kid to refuse to do anything. And then when you tell the parents that their kid didn’t want to do anything or that they were bullying other kids, they want to live in denial. As if they know what their kid did or didn’t do all day, when I’m the one that witnessed it. Then they’d make excuses. “Oh, they were probably just tired or didn’t have enough water.” And I’m like, well you’re the parent, make sure they go to sleep earlier so you’re not wasting your money! I don’t know. Within 5 minutes I could tell which parents were genuinely interested in their kids day, and which parents just needed a place to dump them for 8 hours. It was sad, in a sense. Anyway, that’s my rant! You’ve been a great audience! (Don’t know why I’m ending this as if it’s a stand up comedy routine.) Keep doing what you’re doing, Ely! Your kids are lucky to have you as a mom!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LOL! That really IS frustrating, and sad to deal with sometimes. Luckily those kids had the best counselor ever to make their days full of fun and adventure. I remember that one little girl who wanted to hold your hand? You just give those GOOD vibes off. She probably needed to feel safe… maybe she was missing something at home- you never know. You’ll be an amazing father some day! And thank you! I’ll make sure they know Paul the famous blogger said that- and maybe they’ll believe it! Lol. No they know that deep inside. They’re just too small to “get it” yet.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have no doubt your kids will look back on their childhood and smile and that’s in large part to you and your husband! Ohhh that little girl was the best! I was honestly the best counselor there. Way too many little girls had a crush on me though, like wayyyy too many. But I guess it was better to be liked than hated. Parents always told me their kids would go home and talk about me and I’m like “Ahhhh I hope they left out the part where I yelled at them.” Yes, I yelled…

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Looking back I was taught a pretty good lesson; My parents gave me up. My grandparents on my father’s side raised me. They wanted me while my parents didn’t and that was fine by me.

    The bottom line: If you love being a parent and you love having them in your life nothing else really matters. A lot of us were raised by people who didn’t want us and that’s messed up.

    I was lucky.

    It sounds like you love being a mom. Don’t worry about anything else. That’s all that matters.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Whole ‘nother level of respect for you, Bryan. While it was and is unfortunate- I agree that you were lucky, and blessed. Thank you for telling me a piece of your story- you are brave and inspiring. I appreciate your comment so much.

      Like

  8. I freakin’ love this. I mean, I’m not a parent, but I love the truth you’re dishing out. I wish more parents were honest like this. Stop trying to live up to the full of crap commercials that make it look like the norm is to overindulge a kid. Though, I do think that diaper commercial (can’t remember which brand) that shows the difference between how they treat the first kid and the second kid is pretty classic. Ultra careful with the first kid, less so with the second, because now you know that you can get shit done without the kids breaking. I may never have kids of my own, but I am chock full of parenting advice. I should write a book… Parenting Advice from a Non-Parent.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL I WOULD SOOOOO FUCKIN BUY THAT BOOK though!!! Ha!!! I remember a commercial similar to that, lol yes very true perception on how we “chill out” a little with baby number 2. Baby number 1 sleeps in bed with mommy and daddy since day 1… never leaves. Baby 2: “fuck this kid. Straight to his crib” from day 1… never touches my bed. Baby 1: oh look how cute she is with her pacifier…can’t get rid of it tilL she’s 6. Go through hell and back. Bay #2… NOTE TO ALL HOSPITAL STAFF ON BIRTH DAY- if you even put a pacifier near my child I will sue you and sell your child for organs in the black market” True stories! Except I KINDLY DEMANDED that my 2nd NEVER use a pacifier. Anyways- sorry for the extra rant lol. Yes- parents should shut up, and speak up.
      Hmm.
      Lol.
      You know what I mean. Lol

      Liked by 1 person

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