When I started blogging again towards the end of June last year- PS: I totally missed my re-bloggaversary, but I’m still accepting gifts and trophies and any kind of attention that doesn’t require me to be seen or touched or directly spoken to- I sort of made an unspoken pact to leave my kids out of my writing.
Mommy-blogging really isn’t my forte. Maybe it’s because sweary moms who give advice along the lines of “fuck that, show that little shit who’s boss. Let him have a tantrum at the mall and keep walkin’ until he gets his shit together” when it comes to a spoiled toddler, is generally frowned upon by the basic, single-minded Gap-shopping mommies of the world.
But actually it’s because I find most mommy bloggers to be
slightly super sketchy suburban over-privileged know-it-all housewives who pretend their babies have never rolled off a bed and landed on the hard cold marble floor while they were applying 37$ mascara in the mirror just a few feet away. It happens and that’s the harsh truth. The business of motherhood is fucking hard and babies don’t come with instruction manuals. I wish more of us would own up to the dirty realities.
Like Bitch please. I see you hiding that pile of dirty laundry under your bed before your guests arrive. I see you kicking toys under the couch. I saw how you forgot to buckle your kid up in his car seat that one time you were in a rush. I see those unshaved leg hairs crawling out from the edges of your ankle-high leggings like baby tarantulas desperate for oxygen. I saw you feed that baby non-organic food, devil woman. Don’t even play with me.
Maybe I’m stereotyping. I admit it. Just be adults and deal with my childishness, OK?
Clearly I’m feeling some type of way in the mommy department and I have things to say. I call bullshit on cookie-cutter parenting theories and opinions. So here is some
maybe for-sure distorted, but real-life parenting advice. Take it or leave it. At the very least you can laugh at what an asshole a contemporary mom I am?
ON DISCIPLINE AND “FRIENDSHIP”
I’m a pretty chill mom. I don’t hit my kids. I was raised with some fucked up theories on what the difference between discipline and border-line abuse is, and considering that I have an anger management issue as it is, I made a conscious decision not to use physical force with my kids long before I even became a mom. It just isn’t effective. And it isn’t fair. At the end of a beating all a kid feels is resent, anger, and a loss of trust. I would know.
On another note I know so many people who really believe that a mom should be a mom before a friend, but I can’t tell you how deeply I disagree with this. I will be the one my kids come to. They will trust me. I will support them through all of their phases. If they kill someone, I will hide the fucking body. It’s that simple. Yes. I will be their best friend and their mother. And don’t tell me I can’t do both. I work a full time job and I run a cake business from home and I write in a blog and I read and I shower and I parent my kids and I cater to my husband. So just don’t.
Punishment? Meh. I’ve become such an expert at making my kids feel sooooo guilty about “hurting my feelings” and “disappointing me” that they sort of punish themselves. The guilt consumes them whole. They cry and apologize till they’re blue in the face and they drop their iPads and proceed to try to “help” me around the house. In other words, I know how to beat the shit out of my kids without having to lift a finger or have them taken away from me by the system. Suckers.
Say what you will, bribery is the way to get shit done these days. Offer a buck per chore and the little money-hungry leprechauns are zooming into custodian-on-crack mode. What? You don’t think they should be paid to do what they’re “supposed” to do? OK. What about learning the values of hard-earned money and the true value of a dollar? “I’ve been saving these 20 bucks for a month and now if I buy this toy it’s all gone and then I did ALL that work for NOTHING?! Just for one toy?!What?!” Yea. That’s right kid. It’s a hard-knock life.
I’m kind of over all the hypersensitives out here having over-opinionated tantrums about the social expectations on how to identify and deal with bullying.
That whole sentence could be like the opening line of a badass rap-poem.
First of all Susan- your son Johnny is a pussy. So what if Jake told him his man-bun makes him look like a girl? Maybe it does.
The fact is, you allowed your kid to rock an untraditional haircut so that he can feel like a little rockstar huh? Well guess what. Rockstars are hardcore. They don’t give a shit about the Jakes of society. They’re like fuck you Jake. I’m hot. You’re jealous. Keep it movin’. And that’s the end of Jake the Jackass and next week- he’s showing up with the same cut.
Johnny needs to be taught a lesson about how “being yourself” and “standing out” requires a little bit of thick skin and a whole lot of self confidence. That’s the type of shit you need to concern yourself with instead of making a shit show at school about how your son can’t handle the shit that we’ve ALL been handling forever accept back then bullying wasn’t as “defined” as it is today because we were able to handle our own.
Teach your fucking kids to love themselves and also? To defend themselves by all means. If Johnny were my kid and Jake put his hands on him? Johnny would already know he’s allowed to fully defend himself and that he won’t be in trouble for it at home. Watch yo back Jake.
:::::drops the mic:::::
We all know kids are everything but humble these days. 10 year olds are walking around with their iPhone 10 mega-super-extra-duper-plus’s waiting for likes and comments and thinking not only that they own the world, but that they fucking deserve the world.
Guess who’s at fault?
Listen. The last time my kids got sassy with me- not only were electronics taken away, but we took a trip to the poorest part of town- which is not very safe– and we showed them what it means to be homeless, living under a bridge and without any of the things or privileges they have. It wasn’t about judging those people- we don’t know their stories and we made that clear. It was about exposing them to the fact that they are fucking blessed and that they can lose everything, at any given time, because life is hard sometimes.
A few days later my daughter is asking if we can cook food to take to all of them. And my son is questioning whether not getting good grades in the first grade will land him under a bridge like those people.
It’s called planting a seed. Set examples for these kids and show them the other side of things. Traumatizing? Please. Nothing is more traumatizing than the stupid videos they watch on YouTube. Take them to the fucking woods and go camping without electronics. Force them to do yard work on Saturday mornings. Make them paint walls and make them scrub tiles just like we have to.
I could literally never stop writing on this subject, because there’s just so much to talk about. There are times I feel like a crap parent. There are times that I make the wrong choices. There are times when I can probably handle situations differently. There are moments I wish I could re-do. I’m incredibly flawed. But I also incredibly love my kids and I am the only kind of mom I know how to be….myself. Raw and realistic.
I wish more people expressed themselves without a filter. I wish more people were painfully truthful and more vulnerable and less afraid of the norm. I hate the world my kids are growing up in and I’m doing the best I can to prepare them for it.
What “shady” parenting tips are you proud of? What’s your take on modern day parenting?