I know that I’m not alone. It’s an incomprehensibly big ass world out there and it’s filled with billions of people who are going through all of the fucked up things. Not one of us on this planet is more deserving than the other of a happy life and not one of us is an exception to the darkness that can consume us from the inside out. We are all- imperfect humans faced with obstacles throughout our journeys to live our best lives.
You would think that the realization of this “bigger picture” would wash some sense of calm over us during those sketchy moments when we feel like the universe is caving in and everything and everyone is out to annihilate us, but nope. In the midst of turmoil, the bigger picture tends to become a blur of black and white that means abso-fucking-lutely nothing.
So, while a billion other people might be going through “worse” or “the same exact thing”, and also feel the universe chewing them up and spitting them back out into irreparable discombobulated pieces- their experiences will never amount to my own. Because the way I see it, when the universe chews us up, we’re chewed up differently. We may not feel the same levels or amounts of pain, and chances are, we won’t land on the same exact place in the same exact position upon being spit out. You totally got that right? Too much? I know. There was so much blood and saliva there. I’m sorry?
Oh dear. You must be new here. Buckle up buttercup. You’re in for an iffy wooden rollercoaster ride that hasn’t passed inspection… ever. Also, the seat-belts are defective buttercup so ya can’t really buckle up.
“The Bigger Picture” is a gift of vision that only the sane, the stable, and the wizards can see with clarity while caught in the fogs of fuckery. I wish I was sane and stable. But mostly I wish I was a wizard. Because time travel and coffee with the blink of an eye you know? Can I get an Amen ya’ll!? What?! I said I want to be a wizard, not Lucifer’s fucking executive assistant, relax.
It all comes down to the fact that this past month has been intrinsically challenging in every department of my life. I’m an unbalanced text book libra holding on to dear life from a half-broken string and that is never a thing to mess with. When things go wrong we are basically, unhinged psychopaths desperately seeking emotional worth and otherworldly “understandings” of all things. Also, I just blamed everything on my horoscope sign. Super fucking mature Ely.
Am I angry you ask? No. No I won’t be choking any bunny rabbits (
cats? Mayb-. Don’t worry. I’m just knotted up inside and it’s been tough trying to untangle myself. Tougher than usual.
I’ve cried silently on bathroom floors for everything and nothing, more than I’d like to in a month. I’ve complained about everything and nothing. I’ve criticized, doubted, and questioned myself about everything and nothing and whatever is between that. I have thought about everything and nothing and figured out 6 thousand ways to handle all of my everythings and all of my nothings. I have literally felt everything and nothing, simultaneously.
How is it even possible to feel so full, yet so empty? How is it possible to be so completely convinced, yet so extremely unsure? Why do I feel so grounded even though I’m fucking lost and walking with numb feet? Why do I feel like I have everything yet I have nothing? Why do I feel like I am everything, but also, nothing?
I don’t know whether to blame astrology or lunar eclipses or consistently shitty weather or Cardi B. for dropping out of the tour with Bruno or this Nuvaring thing that’s stopping me from infecting this planet with another human that has my DNA…
Or if maybe just maybe- I’m simply overwhelmed.
All I know is that I feel like the rope in a game of tug-of-war. I’m being pulled back and forth but at the end of the game it doesn’t really matter what side of life wins, because a portion of me will always end up in the mud. I guess that’s my way of saying that I’m not sure there’s a solution because no matter what choices I make, I’ll end up fucking something up- because something’s gotta go. Something’s gotta give.
I’m just not sure what or how.
I’m too weak to fight these everythings but I’m too strong to let my nothings define me. Or maybe I’m not as strong as I thought. Or maybe I just need to be Ok with being a little weak and a little vulnerable sometimes.
I don’t have answers or solutions but at the very least, I know there are others who are down right now and while my down isn’t any better or worse than your downs- just knowing that once we are down, the only place to go is UP should shed a little light upon us all.
This too shall pass.