Deep Rants, Soul-Searching Rants

Everything and Nothing

I know that I’m not alone. It’s an incomprehensibly big ass world out there and it’s filled with billions of people who are going through all of the fucked up things. Not one of us on this planet is more deserving than the other of a happy life and not one of us is an exception to the darkness that can consume us from the inside out. We are all- imperfect humans faced with obstacles throughout our journeys to live our best lives.

You would think that the realization of this “bigger picture” would wash some sense of calm over us during those sketchy moments when we feel like the universe is caving in and everything and everyone is out to annihilate us, but nope. In the midst of turmoil, the bigger picture tends to become a blur of black and white that means abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

So, while a billion other people might be going through “worse” or “the same exact thing”, and also feel the universe chewing them up and spitting them back out into irreparable discombobulated pieces- their experiences will never amount to my own. Because the way I see it, when the universe chews us up, we’re chewed up differently. We may not feel the same levels or amounts of pain, and chances are, we won’t land on the same exact place in the same exact position upon being spit out. You totally got that right? Too much? I know. There was so much blood and saliva there. I’m sorry?

Oh dear. You must be new here. Buckle up buttercup. You’re in for an iffy wooden rollercoaster ride that hasn’t passed inspection… ever. Also, the seat-belts are defective buttercup so ya can’t really buckle up.

“The Bigger Picture” is a gift of vision that only the sane, the stable, and the wizards can see with clarity while caught in the fogs of fuckery. I wish I was sane and stable. But mostly I wish I was a wizard. Because time travel and coffee with the blink of an eye you know? Can I get an Amen ya’ll!? What?! I said I want to be a wizard, not Lucifer’s fucking executive assistant, relax.

It all comes down to the fact that this past month has been intrinsically challenging in every department of my life. I’m an unbalanced text book libra holding on to dear life from a half-broken string and that is never a thing to mess with. When things go wrong we are basically, unhinged psychopaths desperately seeking emotional worth and otherworldly “understandings” of all things. Also, I just blamed everything on my horoscope sign. Super fucking mature Ely.

Am I angry you ask? No. No I won’t be choking any bunny rabbits (cats? Mayb-. Don’t worry. I’m just knotted up inside and it’s been tough trying to untangle myself. Tougher than usual.

I’ve cried silently on bathroom floors for everything and nothing, more than I’d like to in a month. I’ve complained about everything and nothing. I’ve criticized, doubted, and questioned myself about everything and nothing and whatever is between that. I have thought about everything and nothing and figured out 6 thousand ways to handle all of my everythings and all of my nothings. I have literally felt everything and nothing, simultaneously.

How is it even possible to feel so full, yet so empty? How is it possible to be so completely convinced, yet so extremely unsure? Why do I feel so grounded even though I’m fucking lost and walking with numb feet? Why do I feel like I have everything yet I have nothing? Why do I feel like I am everything, but also, nothing?

I don’t know whether to blame astrology or lunar eclipses or consistently shitty weather or Cardi B. for dropping out of the tour with Bruno or this Nuvaring thing that’s stopping me from infecting this planet with another human that has my DNA…

Or if maybe just maybe- I’m simply overwhelmed.

All I know is that I feel like the rope in a game of tug-of-war. I’m being pulled back and forth but at the end of the game it doesn’t really matter what side of life wins, because a portion of me will always end up in the mud. I guess that’s my way of saying that I’m not sure there’s a solution because no matter what choices I make, I’ll end up fucking something up- because something’s gotta go. Something’s gotta give.

I’m just not sure what or how.

I’m too weak to fight these everythings but I’m too strong to let my nothings define me. Or maybe I’m not as strong as I thought. Or maybe I just need to be Ok with being a little weak and a little vulnerable sometimes.

I don’t have answers or solutions but at the very least, I know there are others who are down right now and while my down isn’t any better or worse than your downs- just knowing that once we are down, the only place to go is UP should shed a little light upon us all.

This too shall pass.

18 thoughts on “Everything and Nothing”

  1. Ely, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Believe me, I can totally relate to these feelings. I know, my chewed up doesn’t relieve your chewed up, but I’m saying it anyway. If I could just get your address and kidnap you for a few days, that would be great. I know that you’re doing so much right now– unhumanly much– and I’m certain it’s wearing you down more than usual. I don’t know how far out you’ve booked clients, but I definitely think you need to take a weekend to just do something that makes you happy. Wanna go on a date with me?? 🙂 I’m not kidding.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lyz, you are pure sunshine. Your positivity not only inspires me but also makes me a little jealous because MANNNN WHY can I not be like that hahahaha! Thank you for your words, they matter, and they mean a lot to me. As far as the date goes I won’t make a promise I can’t keep while I’m going through this “introverted” rollercoaster of a tantrum…I hate to say YESSSS and then be like noooooo the day of, thus making me the sellout LOL but I do know that you are right- I am overdoing myself. 12 cakes and 90 decorated cupcakes in 4 weeks despite my 40 hour work weeks and my house and my kids- is not a joke. I’ve never been so busy. So that is for sure the issue here. Plus my UNDYING need to write something WITTY and not fucking dark… ugh. It is what it is for right now. I’m looking forward to August being a better month for me. Thank you again so much Lyz for all of your love and support

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  2. It can be hard to see the bigger picture when you’re down a hole of madness just trying to climb back up! You are super strong and inspiring… even when you don’t feel like you are! BUT you don’t have to be! It’s always okay to take a step back, drop some balls and recover!!

    It’s funny, the world kicked my ass to the curb yesterday (literally…I got hit by a car!) It was horrible, and made me stressed out and tired all day (today too if I’m honest.) That was just one day of rubbishness and it totally exhausted me, so I can only imagine how horrible it is to go through a month of similar madness!

    Anyway, I know this isn’t helpful, but I’m sending all the hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wait Josy did you just say you got hit by a car???!!?? WHAT!? Did you write about this?! I need to catch up on yours and so many blogs girl honestly! I’m so sorry and I hope you’re OK! Geez. I’ll take all of the positive vibes and hugs I can get so thank you, so muchhh! Is it crazy that I find more support for some of my blog buddies than from people in my actual life? Maybe we all need the wisdom and advice from people completely outside of our boxes sometimes… from people who see things from another perspective and who won’t judge us on a personal level. Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, it wasn’t a good day!! I didn’t write about (I don’t want to stress out my grandma as she reads my blog!) so don’t worry!

        Anyway, the only judgement you’ll get from me is that you are awesome.

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  3. Ely I wish there was something magical I could say to make you feel back to normally instantly. Maybe the library has a book on spells that do that, like “Cako Magnifico”. Anyway, you’ve got my full support and I know your readers have your back too. I look up to you…and before this gets too cheesy I’ll just throw in that I know you can get through this even if you don’t. Believe in me believing in you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Paul this first line, just so you know, almost made me cry LOL. Thank you so much. And again LOL @ “cako magnifico”. I really appreciate your immense support and just you as a human overall. I’m ready to kick this month to the curb and start fresh! I DO believe in you believing in me. Thank you again! #Teamgenius

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  4. There must be something shitty in the air, because it seems like everyone I know is struggling with some awful stuff right now. I’m sorry to hear that there’s so much everything and nothing happening, right now. Hopefully, the balance comes back to you, soon. But, trust: You are definitely as strong as you thought. Just look at your cake business that you built up from scratch, teaching yourself how to do these AH-FKN-MAZING designs without anyone holding your hand. You are a B-A BADASS and don’t ever forget!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Adie I got goosebumps reading this comment. You’re such a breathe of fresh air and I appreciate you girl, I really do. Thank you for your uplifting words. Honestly, just the comments on this post have lifted me tremendously. And also YES, so many people seem to be on this downward spiral lately. I read something eclipses and some other wierd astronomy outer space stuff that’s happening? I’m starting to really believe that the universe LITERALLY controls us LOL. Anyways, the truth is I’ve been overwhelmed with a sudden growth in cake business and my full time job and it’s really all not negative I guess I’m just extra and I need to get a grip of my true goals and what I can ACTUALLY handle Day in and day out. Little by little, I know it will come together. Everyday is a new learning experience right? Thanks again girl, xoxo

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      1. Ah, yes, there is a total lunar eclipse tonight. Won’t be able to see it from the States, though which is disappointing. Anyway, sudden growth can definitely be overwhelming, but you’ll figure it out and work through it.

        When in doubt, make lists. That always helps me. XD ❤

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  5. We’re all survivors. Even the ones who feel they are broken find a way to break the odds and move forward.

    By posting this you are taking a step in the right direction. Facing your challenges is your first victory. Looking it in the eye and having it blink first is your second.

    You got this!!!

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  6. I’m late reading this. Not as late as I was reading some of the other posts because I’ve actually had some time to catch up in the past week (ie: today), but I think maybe Mercury was in Retrograde recently… I don’t know if you believe in all of that space shit, but in case you do – maybe chalk it up to her!
    I have to mention “fog of fuckery” because that made me giggle aloud here alone on my sofa.
    Oh, Ely. You’re so right. We all have our ups & we all have our downs. They’re always different, yet so much the same. I can see your light even in these tough, confusing, lost posts. You know that you will always come out on the other side, even if you aren’t ready to admit it at the time the words spill out of you, the tone & the flow says it for you. I hope all of your everythings & all of your nothings learn to work in peace, soon.
    PS. Your killing the cake game. You go Glen Cake-o
    .xo.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Myka I totally love you girl. August has been less of a raging bitch so far! And yes I DO believe in ALL of that space shit I’m about that life for sure lol. Thank you for seeing the light in me!you have no idea how much that means. Xoxoxoxo

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