Humor, In Which I List The Things, Witty Rants

30 Mini Mental-Fuckeries

…that cross my mind more often than I’m comfortable with. I swear I can’t make this shit up. Well I could. But I wouldn’t. That’s not how I roll. Also? You can thank Paul because his genius “50 Thoughts” posts have inspired me ever since I started reading his blog so I guess this is like, the imitation version of the designer brand- but it’s what’s inside the bag that counts. And our bags are full of different stuff. Or something. Ok Paul now I can’t undo the mental image of you walking around Canada wearing a Toronto Raptors jersey, a Maple Leafs beanie, and a fancy shmancy designer bag on your right arm. I’m so sorry friend!

  1. If I snort cocaine, will I die? But also, let’s say I live, imagine how much shit I can get done…omg it would be beautiful. Beautiful! BEAUTIFUL I TELL YOU! (No this is me sober, relax.. I don’t do drugs. Yet.)
  2. Ladies? PLEASE STOP wearing transparent handbags and book bags. I seriously don’t want to see your tampons, cigarettes, red lipstick, and condoms. I really don’t. It’s like you’re walking around naked and leaving nothing for the imagination. And while I don’t know you, I’m now convinced you’re probably a fatherless prostitute with emphysema.
  3. I need a 7th pair of sunglasses.
  4. Where the fuck did I put my sunglasses!?!
  5. I’m going to Target. I need deodorant. And sunglasses.
  6. (300$ later…) Where am I gonna hide all this shit. He’s gonna kill me.
  7. Fuck this! I work hard for my money. He doesn’t own me. (Walk out of my car with 6 bags like a boss. Enter home. He’s not inside. Run to room like I’m being chased by a serial killer and shove everything in the closet.) I win!
  8. (Next day..) I should probably return half of this stuff. How am I gonna eat lunch this week?!
  9. I was Mexican in my past life. If you touch my guac I will stab you with my tortilla chip ése. Try me.
  10. People who live in Miami leave the country to go on “vacation” to lay out on pretty beaches but BARELY EVER go to the pretty beaches right here at home! Why do we do this?! Guilty AF.
  11. I haven’t seen my kids in almost 3 weeks. I wonder if they’re saying any new words or if they’ve gotten jobs yet…(they’re 6 and 8).
  12. OH look! A book! A shiny BOOOOOK! It’s so… puuuurrrrty. Let’s add it to the other 16 I still have to read….
  13. I own a car with a “driver safety” package that can practically drive itself. I can text while drunk driving and make it safely home. I would never. But the system is making drunk driving too easy.
  14. The next person who inquires about a unicorn cake will get rainbow vomit to the face and bad luck for 64 years. I dare you. Come at me bro.
  15. I’m heavily addicted to the series Power. I’m heavily addicted to Tommy Eagan. I think the drugs in the show are affecting me. Here we go with the drug thing again.
  16. I have mild dyslexia. I catch myself ALL the time. But I have bigger problems so I ignore the stupid shit. For instance, yesterday I didn’t have a sharpener to sharpen my eyeliner. It was a near death experience. I’m talkin’ “The Light” and all. (The light=Walgreens down the street)
  17. I think I’ve convinced myself that my future is with cake. I see it- I just have no fucking clue how to make it happen. I have zero business skills. I know how to spend money not save it. You’re not better than me. You’re not. I saw you at Target too. I SAW YOU BITCH.
  18. My dryer is broken. This morning I BLOW-DRIED a freshly washed uniform shirt and then ironed it. I almost microwaved it. It took me forever to get it dried. Super ghetto. Like, super.
  19. I’m on a diet called fuck you I eat what I want when I want and then I starve myself for a week to punish myself. It’s effective.
  20. My The dog, Khloé, is still alive. I still don’t have any feelings for her. But I won’t let her die either. That’s good enough right?! “B” for effort?
  21. I can not STAND 96% of the men who work for landscaping companies. Do not LOOK at me like I’m a fresh burrito you grassholes! I fucking said it!
  22. :::twitch::: Am I addicted to the caffeine, or to the cup of something :::twitch:::hot in my hand at any :::twitch:::given time? Help me. It’s so cold. I’m numb everywhere.
  23. I dream with people from elementary school ALL THE DAMN TIME! Random people (kids back then). Why?! Like Samantha and Renee the little white girls from Ms. Lee’s after school Jazz class who weren’t even my friends! And Osvaldo- that weird Channel 7 anchor looking kid with the poofy hair in the front. There should be a real-life “Where Are They Now” series for normal people. Oh wait that’s basically Facebook.
  24. 23 was unreasonably long for a list post. Now I wasted 24 bitching about 23. Who am I?
  25. My car tag is currently expired. I don’t have time for this shit. Who thought of this tag renewal nonsense anyways and what was it like waking up one morning and saying “AHA! Yes! We must enforce tags to be renewed or else!!” Yea. What was that moment like, asshole? Is it because you’re parents got divorced and your daddy abandoned you? Did a bully take your lunch money when you were in school? Are you a bitter 45 year old virgin? WHY?!
  26. I’m not sure what happened in 25 either.. It’s 8 am and I haven’t had coffee. Stop looking at me like that. Keep it moving. On to 27. Don’t you ever come back to 26.
  27. What doesn’t kill you, makes you fatter.”
  28. If one more person asks me “what’s it like being married now?” I’m going to fucking croak. It’s THE SAME literally nothing much changes when you’ve already been with a person for half your life.
  29. Am I the only person who takes a picture and is like “OMG I LOOK SOOOO FAT!” And then a few weeks later sees that picture again and is like “OMG LOOK HOW AMAZING I LOOKED HERE! Why didn’t I post that!?” Wow. I have more issues than Cosmopolitan magazine ya’ll.
  30. I’m currently working on some “twisted” cake designs that are dark versions of Disney themes. First up will be a “Frozen” theme featuring black and blue tones titled “Let it THE FUCK Go” or option 2 ” She Frozen, But She BAD”.

17 thoughts on “30 Mini Mental-Fuckeries”

  1. Yes! A 30 Fox post….woah woah woah the way you described me makes it sound like I’m a few knuckle tattoos, plastic sunglasses, and an eyebrow ring away from being a misunderstood, struggling writer…It’s funny though because you said “designer bag” and I pictured a Ziploc bag and then #2 was about your hatred of transparent bags ahahah

    12. Are books shiny in Miami?
    14. Next time someone asks for a unicorn cake just make a Betty Crockey cake and put a cob of corn on top to act as the unicorn horn. BAM.
    18. This reminds me of the times I’d thaw bread/bagels by holding them under a lightbulb or over a vent rather than putting them in the microwave haha
    20. “The dog” lol
    28. Just tell them to get married and find out for themselves!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahah! That was NOT my intention at all!!!! I’m sorry if I came off
      A little strong on that image! You know I let my writing get carried away sometimes!!! I’m sorry! LMAO I swear I had good intentions. LMAO AT THE ZIP LOC BAG!!!! And books aren’t shiny here Paul. I meant that I’m attracted to every damn book like if it’s something shiny I have to have every time LOL I can’t stop laughing!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. LOL no need to apologize, I liked the description, just wanted to play it up like I didn’t for some reason…
        OH well they should make shiny books. That’s the way of the future, you heard it here first.

        Liked by 1 person

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