Emergency room “nurse”: Hmm. When did this start?
3-4 days ago, while I was out of the country in the Dominican Republic… they suggested I go to a hospital over there but… yea no. Wasn’t gonna happen. What are you thinking? Some kind of food intoxication huh?
Well. Not really… but did you ever have the chickenpox as a kid?
Me? No. Never…. but-
Yea. Well you have them now.
I’m sorry. What? Did you just fucking say I have the chickenpox? Are you su-
I’m 32. How is that even possible? That makes NO sense. It doesn’t even look like-
Yep. Chickenpox. I’m certain of it.
Well. Are ya gonna run blood tests? Or something? Anything?
Nope. Chickenpox. No need for anything else. Just wait it out… no work till it’s all gone. Here’s an order for something to help you sleep, and Calamine lotion. Good luck….you’ll be fine!
I turn my face to see my new husband who is standing behind me, trying with all of the strength inside of him not to burst out in raging laughter. Seriously? He looked like an oversized fourth grader who just heard someone say the word “penis” out loud and he can’t keep his composure.
I give him the do not FUCKING EVENNNNN right now look and swiftly get up and proceed to walk out of the ER, me and my ridiculous diagnosis, never looking back. I’m pretty sure I felt like the dumbest adult alive, I’m not sure why, but I just did. The dumbest and the itchiest. All I can keep repeating to myself as I try not to rip the uncontrollably itching top layer of skin off my body is what the FUCK?! How the fuck? Why the fuck?
The way that I recall the chickenpox happening around me as a kid was pretty traumatizing! I mean, I remember huge crusty blisters covering entire bodies, faces, scalps- kinda like that Skittles commercial right?
So this just didn’t and still doesn’t sit well with me. This just doesn’t seem like chickenpox dude. I’m not a doctor, granted. But nothing about this says chickenpox to me. The simple fact that this rash was flaring up with heat, water, stress, and sweat and then calming down completely overnight, and the way that it was isolated to my arms, legs, thighs, groin, lower back and shoulders, just doesn’t fit the diagnosis.
I don’t know if I was vaccinated as a baby for this- I wasn’t keeping track you know? I also wasn’t keeping track of my diaper finances nor my stroller miles. And weren’t most adults high on cocaine all the times in the 80’s? Who knows what was going on then. Maybe I still got a mild case even if I was vaccinated. Maybe it presents in different ways in adults. Maybe the chickenpox mutated into some other birdpox and maybe now it’s the parrotpox or the heronpox or the bluebirdpox. Listen- I don’t know. You’re asking too much of me. All I know is that I’m 32 and I’ve been supposedly diagnosed with a typical childhood disease and I’ve been working from home for the last two days and everyone is either laughing at me, or terrified of getting anywhere near me. I’m a danger to society and I’m in quarantine and I want to be fed coffee and sit here and write in isolation, away from all signs of human life.
Come to think of it, nothing much has changed, It’s still Ely with a sprinkle of itchy rash on top.
FYI, it’s like day 5 or 6 now, and it’s already pretty much gone away which also leads me to believe this dude was a gas-pump attendant dressed up as a nurse. But the point is, I GIVE NO POX. Nothing breaks the fox! The shit-shows must go on!
This is your contagiously hysterical host, Ely! Thanks for joining me for yet another outbreak! Tune in next time and help this blog go viral! (SO many puns there…Please please tell me you caught one of the four!) I think I tried too hard though. Whatever ok? Come talk to me when you get the chickenpox in your thirties. I win.