Humor, Witty Rants

She Gives No Pox

Emergency room “nurse”: Hmm. When did this start? 

My actual arm the night I went to emergency room….there was more to it, but who wants pictures of this stuff? Sick fucks.

3-4 days ago, while I was out of the country in the Dominican Republic… they suggested I go to a hospital over there but… yea no. Wasn’t gonna happen. What are you thinking? Some kind of food intoxication huh?

Well. Not really… but did you ever have the chickenpox as a kid?

Me? No. Never…. but- 

Yea. Well you have them now. 

I’m sorry. What? Did you just fucking say I have the chickenpox? Are you su-

Yep. Chickenpox.
tumblr_mtpujxTlcg1srv8pio1_400I’m 32. How is that even possible? That makes NO sense. It doesn’t even look like- 

Yep. Chickenpox. I’m certain of it. 

Well. Are ya gonna run blood tests? Or something? Anything? 
mdNope. Chickenpox. No need for anything else. Just wait it out… no work till it’s all gone. Here’s an order for something to help you sleep, and Calamine lotion. Good luck….you’ll be fine!
tumblr_mn04fhF8Kz1snjoivo1_500I turn my face to see my new husband who is standing behind me, trying with all of the strength inside of him not to burst out in raging laughter. Seriously? He looked like an oversized fourth grader who just heard someone say the word “penis” out loud and he can’t keep his composure.
tumblr_m374bo8wjn1rqfhi2o1_500I give him the do not FUCKING EVENNNNN right now look and swiftly get up and proceed to walk out of the ER, me and my ridiculous diagnosis, never looking back. I’m pretty sure I felt like the dumbest adult alive, I’m not sure why, but I just did. The dumbest and the itchiest. All I can keep repeating to myself as I try not to rip the uncontrollably itching top layer of skin off my body is what the FUCK?! How the fuck? Why the fuck?  
itchyThe way that I recall the chickenpox happening around me as a kid was pretty traumatizing! I mean, I remember huge crusty blisters covering entire bodies, faces, scalps- kinda like that Skittles commercial right?

So this just didn’t and still doesn’t sit well with me. This just doesn’t seem like chickenpox dude. I’m not a doctor, granted. But nothing about this says chickenpox to me. The simple fact that this rash was flaring up with heat, water, stress, and sweat and then calming down completely overnight, and the way that it was isolated to my arms, legs, thighs, groin, lower back and shoulders, just doesn’t fit the diagnosis.

I don’t know if I was vaccinated as a baby for this- I wasn’t keeping track you know? I also wasn’t keeping track of my diaper finances nor my stroller miles. And weren’t most adults high on cocaine all the times in the 80’s? Who knows what was going on then. Maybe I still got a mild case even if I was vaccinated. Maybe it presents in different ways in adults. Maybe the chickenpox mutated into some other birdpox and maybe now it’s the parrotpox or the heronpox or the bluebirdpox. Listen- I don’t know. You’re asking too much of me. All I know is that I’m 32 and I’ve been supposedly diagnosed with a typical childhood disease and I’ve been working from home for the last two days and everyone is either laughing at me, or terrified of getting anywhere near me. I’m a danger to society and I’m in quarantine and I want to be fed coffee and sit here and write in isolation, away from all signs of human life.

Come to think of it, nothing much has changed, It’s still Ely with a sprinkle of itchy rash on top. Yum. 

FYI, it’s like day 5 or 6 now, and it’s already pretty much gone away which also leads me to believe this dude was a gas-pump attendant dressed up as a nurse. But the point is, I GIVE NO POX. Nothing breaks the fox! The shit-shows must go on!

This is your contagiously hysterical host, Ely! Thanks for joining me for yet another outbreak! Tune in next time and help this blog go viral! (SO many puns there…Please please tell me you caught one of the four!) I think I tried too hard though. Whatever ok? Come talk to me when you get the chickenpox in your thirties. I win. 

21 thoughts on “She Gives No Pox”

  1. Could we be any more alike?! I, too, have never (or should I say not yet) had the chicken pox! :O I hope (goodness, it’s been weeks) are all better now. .xo.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shut the FRONT door! Lol!! We
      Are soul sisters DASSIT hahaha!!! Like what the actual fuck is that about?! I’m
      All clear now and still not convinced! lol! Thank you honey!!


  2. Ok I just read the word “shingles” in a comment above and now I’m shaking. What a cringeworthy word. I’m glad you’ve recovered! I don’t feel as bad for laughing my way through this post now haha don’t hate me. If only you were from Kentucky you could call yourself KFC Pox or something. Anyway, glad you’re ok! Your puns did not go unnoticed!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol!! I don’t think in my lifetime I’ll ever go to Kentucky but well played! Ha!! Thanks for the well wishes- still convinced it was an allergic reaction or sun poisoning but at the very least it gave me interesting blog material. And I NEVER once doubted your pun-senses. 😂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh the shingles are terrible!!!!! I’ve had patients who had this and it doesn’t look fun! Unfortunately once you’ve had the chickenpox you can get the shingles- but there’s a vaccine for it too!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. OMG. Sorry, but I am laughing my ass off right now, this is hilarious!!! I am NOT laughing at you, I imagine the itch has driven you to the brink of insanity, but the way you wrote this is so fucking funny. I got chicken pox on my 6th birthday. It seems to be a theme, something shitty always happens on my birthday. This year I bent over and herniated a disc in my back. Couldn’t reach my ass to wipe thoroughly for over 10 days. IT WAS LIKE I WAS 6 ALL OVER AGAIN. Glad your pox are clearing up, or whatever the hell it was! HA!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL! Omg that is AWFUL about your back!! LMFAO at the image of not being to properly wipe and being super
      Frustrated like “ok who’s gonna help me do this”. I can’t, lmfao! But I’m glad you’re better! Girl this rash thing was the mystery of the century and that guy who called it chickenpox can go to hell lol. I’m all clear now but at work, haha! And it’s totally cool to laugh with me, AT me, that’s what I aim for! Lol xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh my gosh. I am so sorry you’re having to go thru this. I have heard Chickenpox for an adult is worse than as a kid. Oatmeal baths are great. ❤ BTW did it ever let you follow me? If not, let me know and I'll make it public so you can and then make it request only or whatever haha. ❤ Feel better my dear

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I got chicken pox when I was 16. I started noticing it during volleyball tryouts. Oops! My case was so mild, my doctor didn’t know what it was at first. She had to run a blood test to figure it out. 😀 Which I suppose is better than Google…


  6. Oh no Ely!! I’m so sorry 😦 But I guess it is better to be cautious and stay at home. You could watch Friends, where Pheobe get’s the chickenpox as an adult! There’s some good laughs for ya 😉 I feel your pain though – I’m stuck at home by doctor’s orders myself right now. I’ll be writing a “I’m dying of boredom” post later today haha.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes better safe than sorry…
      Oh no I hope you’re ok, or getting better? And haha, I didn’t ever see that episode! I’ll have to look for it! And for your post too! Xo!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh my goodness – glad it’s going away! I seriously don’t trust any doctors these days. Went to the doctors for the first time in FOUR years last week and you know what she did? She GOOGLED stuff. Like, literally, she pulled up Google. I can use Google, does that mean I can write prescriptions?
    Bloody doctors.
    Anyway missus, good you’re still at the top of your game, even if you’re a little bit itchy up there! xx

    Liked by 1 person

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