Witty Rants

Mid-Flight Rants

When you’re hovering 30 something thousand feet in the air inside of a synthetically engineered metal bird, all you can honestly think about, is death. Let’s face it. No one wants to admit the morbid fuckeries that are lingering around our brains while we are unnaturally up in the sky because that’s just too real and since we are also wizards, I guess if we think it out loud it will probably happen right? Oh please. Do you even know how many times I’ve thought out loud about being a multi-billionaire? Yea. My account is currently overdrawn by like 40$ thanks to some bullshit that happened while being out of the country but this post isn’t about that so just drop it Susans of the world.

With regards to this whole flying on airplanes stuff? Humans clearly weren’t designed to fly because if the Universe wanted us to fly, it would’ve created us with wings amiright? Do we have wings? Do we chirp and sleep in tree branches and eat worms all day? No. Well. I mean… to each his own but I speak for the general population when I say no we do not sirs and madams. And that leads me to the conclusion that we are therefore, forcing shit against mother nature’s will and laughing in her face like ‘ha ha lady! We got smarter than you, we win!’ Except every now and then, particularly when she’s on her period, she gets all ‘yea well, haha dumbasses, there goes your plane…straight to the ground so who gets the last laugh now?’

Ok ely- Shut up. I apologize, but right now- my chest is tighter than your grandmothers screwed-in false teeth, my ears are as clogged as a chain-smoker’s arteries and my anxiety is another 30 thousand feet higher into the atmosphere than the clouds that are being broken into by this plane right now. I need to talk about this. I just do. This is happening. I’m nauseous and my entire life is on this airplane. On the “brighter” side and in all honesty, if we all die- then I suppose we die together and none of us would have suffered, or even known it even happened right? That’s pretty dark, damn. But you should know by now that stepping into my mind is the equivalent of stepping into a candle-lit haunted house and there’s a circus of fun weird shit happening in every direction- it’s exciting and scary all at once. Also? There’s unlimited cotton candy and Xanax, compliments of yo girl right here. So you’re welcome. Enjoy the show. Don’t poop yourselves.

I haven’t been on an airplane in over 11 years- and this is a first for my little ones, so there you have it. I’m a rookie flyer and I’m just always a nervous wreck when it comes to my kids. Like how do we save them from the world? It’s an overwhelming feeling to have this NEED to wrap them up tightly and put them inside of my body and keep them away from everything in the world that could hurt them, forever.

And whenever a ding goes off through the loudspeaker or we fly through a patch of clouds and the ride gets a little turbulent- I’m pretty sure I stop breathing entirely and my palms sweat profusely. It’s only a 2 hour flight. I’d never fucking make it to Europe guys. I’m not built for this.

Next time I think I’ll walk. Says the girl with dreams to travel the world.

Also? I can’t stop thinking about the lady who recently got sucked through one of the windows from this altitude I mean first of all- have you SEEN the actual size of these windows? How in hell could a human body fit through this? They’re like as wide as a new born puppy and as long as- I don’t know- I’d say about 16 inches long? I mean I guess the pressure, but it just seems so fucking BRUTAL and bloody! Why am I thinking of this right now?! I don’t know- I’m killing time here. Just keep reading and hope that by the time I finish this post I’d landed safely in Miami. Which I dearly miss. Surprisingly AF.

We are about to land (I’ve been typing this in my notes section in bits and pieces -dependent upon on my level of anxiety and light-headedness- and right now there there’s this breathtaking view of the of skies and seas blending into one whole. One whole….existence. It’s pretty calming, actually.

I can see home now! My left leg can’t stop jumping up and down. I’m ready to get OFF this metal bird.

Ok now I’m nauseous again-hold on.

Ok. I’m ok now. Thanks for waiting. Though I get the feeling you didn’t “wait” since there’s no actual commercial break in a blog post.

You know, these past 7 days were ridiculously amazing- we were in paradise in an all inclusive resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. For the kids and I, it was our First time leaving the country and a super humbling experience. Per the usual foreign fuckeries there were tiny bits and pieces I wasn’t overly excited about and if I could go back- I’d do a few things differently, specifically regarding my wedding, like- not be so fat and stuff like that- but overall, we all did things we’ve never done before, and created so many phenomenal memories as a family. I’ll save the details of the trip for a separate post- there’s so much to share! For now-

I can see the ground people!

Mostly this was a “I need to distract myself” and “if I die these will be my last words” type of post- but it looks like we’ve made it home alive. A little sunburned, and a whole lot of exhausted, but nevertheless very much alive. Phew.

25 thoughts on “Mid-Flight Rants”

    1. Thanks boo!!!!! How’s you’re planning going?! I have some catchin up to do!!!!! I’ll be posting soon! Working on some pictures and getting things organized. Also- the whole unpacking for 5 people thing has me held back in life LOL

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Planning is going well. We’ve just started paying people, so my bank account is sobbing, but I know it’ll all be worth it. I just booked hair/makeup and have a few more signs to make, then I’ll be all set. 50 days and counting!

        Unpacking from a trip is the absolute worst! I can’t imagine doing it for 5 people!! You got this!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. We’re glad you made it, you drugged up (or boozed up) lady bird! I’m guessing you’ll be one of those weirdos who take 28-day cruises to Europe to avoid the 8-hour flight, lol. I’m sure the oceans are beautiful. I had never heard of this woman getting sucked through the window, but I’m thoroughly traumatized I assure you. I’m glad you all had an amazing experience and didn’t die together. Were the kids nervous at all? My first trip with the kids, my daughter wanted the window seat and then chickened out just as the plane started moving. My son was happy to take her spot.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey girlllll!!!!!!! HA! Yes- probably be ok those 28 day ones for sure! My kids were champs- my son begged for the window and
      I’ve never seen him
      So happpy and excited! My daughter prayed with eyes closed and palms together for the first like 10 minutes,
      I kid you not lol. She also prayed before zip-lining, snorkeling, and swimming
      With nerf sharks and walking on the sea-bed with this huge oxygen filled
      Tank over our heads.
      It was heartbreaking and hysterical all at once LOL- we either traumatized her, or made her come out of that fearful shell lol. Meh. Xoxo!!

      Like

      1. Your daughter is hilarious! I’m also on the fence about the trauma vs inspired outcome. If she’s traumatized, at least she got in some good experiences to tell her grandkids so they don’t think she’s lame! It’s funny how same parents can produce kids with such different personalities. It’s like those marry boxes of chocolates, never know what you’re gonna get 😄

        Liked by 1 person

      2. In my best Forest Gump voice: “you never know what you gonna get!” That’s so true. My kids are 100 percent opposite human beings. It’s so much fun. And I do think we have to help them get over fears and then let them decide after If they’d ever do it again or not- as long as they TRY right?!

        Like

  2. Glad you made it! That’s usually what happens to me. I fear death, so I will start drinking the minute I get to the airport to try and make the flight better. I really enjoyed your post ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!! Is it weird that I’m glad we can relate LOL. I wish I could handle drinking and flying BUT I also suffer from severe motion sickness so the alcohol would only escalate my bullshit drama lol. Thanks for reading!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Not weird at all. Makes me happy to know someone else goes thru the same thing. My worst parts of flying are take off and landing. Absolutely terrifies me

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Aw I wish I knew! I don’t have that kind of set up, but I’m sure if you mess around your dashboard you’ll figure it out! Look forward to being to read!

        Like

  3. Oh man, I’ve never been on a plane but I think this post just traumatized me haha they should put a built in toilet on every seat of the plane as far as I’m concerned. Congratulations on your big day! You’re entire family looked wonderful, like something straight out of a magazine that other people look at and get jealous about because they didn’t have a wedding in another country lol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LMAO, I’m sorry I traumatized you! Honestly, planes are the funnest! 😁😜 and thank you. That’s a huge compliment! I’ve always dreamt of being in a magazine. Well- my writing that is. Def NOT my face 😳 lol. And having a destination wedding was HALF as expensive as it would have been to do it locally. Can you EVEN believe that?! Yea. Seems fancy but it’s so DOABLE. Anyways- that’s a whole blog post on its own lol. Thanks again Paul!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Cheaper than doing it locally!?! Remind me of this if I ever get married. Oh wait, then I’d have to get on a plane. Ugh. Well at least it’ll make for a good blog post hahah is it bad that I determine if something will be good or not depending on if it’ll be good for a blog post?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No it’s not bad! My entire trip and wedding that’s all I could think about: “how am I going to put this into words” “where do I start” …. writing is literally a purpose in life!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Congrats on both your wedding and also making it to the ground.
    I did many 17 hour flights from USA to Australia non stop so planes have become second nature to me now but they were not always that way!!

    Liked by 1 person

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