When you’re hovering 30 something thousand feet in the air inside of a synthetically engineered metal bird, all you can honestly think about, is death. Let’s face it. No one wants to admit the morbid fuckeries that are lingering around our brains while we are unnaturally up in the sky because that’s just too real and since we are also wizards, I guess if we think it out loud it will probably happen right? Oh please. Do you even know how many times I’ve thought out loud about being a multi-billionaire? Yea. My account is currently overdrawn by like 40$ thanks to some bullshit that happened while being out of the country but this post isn’t about that so just drop it Susans of the world.
With regards to this whole flying on airplanes stuff? Humans clearly weren’t designed to fly because if the Universe wanted us to fly, it would’ve created us with wings amiright? Do we have wings? Do we chirp and sleep in tree branches and eat worms all day? No. Well. I mean… to each his own but I speak for the general population when I say no we do not sirs and madams. And that leads me to the conclusion that we are therefore, forcing shit against mother nature’s will and laughing in her face like ‘ha ha lady! We got smarter than you, we win!’ Except every now and then, particularly when she’s on her period, she gets all ‘yea well, haha dumbasses, there goes your plane…straight to the ground so who gets the last laugh now?’
Ok ely- Shut up. I apologize, but right now- my chest is tighter than your grandmothers screwed-in false teeth, my ears are as clogged as a chain-smoker’s arteries and my anxiety is another 30 thousand feet higher into the atmosphere than the clouds that are being broken into by this plane right now. I need to talk about this. I just do. This is happening. I’m nauseous and my entire life is on this airplane. On the “brighter” side and in all honesty, if we all die- then I suppose we die together and none of us would have suffered, or even known it even happened right? That’s pretty dark, damn. But you should know by now that stepping into my mind is the equivalent of stepping into a candle-lit haunted house and there’s a circus of fun weird shit happening in every direction- it’s exciting and scary all at once. Also? There’s unlimited cotton candy and Xanax, compliments of yo girl right here. So you’re welcome. Enjoy the show. Don’t poop yourselves.
I haven’t been on an airplane in over 11 years- and this is a first for my little ones, so there you have it. I’m a rookie flyer and I’m just always a nervous wreck when it comes to my kids. Like how do we save them from the world? It’s an overwhelming feeling to have this NEED to wrap them up tightly and put them inside of my body and keep them away from everything in the world that could hurt them, forever.
And whenever a ding goes off through the loudspeaker or we fly through a patch of clouds and the ride gets a little turbulent- I’m pretty sure I stop breathing entirely and my palms sweat profusely. It’s only a 2 hour flight. I’d never fucking make it to Europe guys. I’m not built for this.
Next time I think I’ll walk. Says the girl with dreams to travel the world.
Also? I can’t stop thinking about the lady who recently got sucked through one of the windows from this altitude I mean first of all- have you SEEN the actual size of these windows? How in hell could a human body fit through this? They’re like as wide as a new born puppy and as long as- I don’t know- I’d say about 16 inches long? I mean I guess the pressure, but it just seems so fucking BRUTAL and bloody! Why am I thinking of this right now?! I don’t know- I’m killing time here. Just keep reading and hope that by the time I finish this post I’d landed safely in Miami. Which I dearly miss. Surprisingly AF.
We are about to land (I’ve been typing this in my notes section in bits and pieces -dependent upon on my level of anxiety and light-headedness- and right now there there’s this breathtaking view of the of skies and seas blending into one whole. One whole….existence. It’s pretty calming, actually.
I can see home now! My left leg can’t stop jumping up and down. I’m ready to get OFF this metal bird.
Ok now I’m nauseous again-hold on.
Ok. I’m ok now. Thanks for waiting. Though I get the feeling you didn’t “wait” since there’s no actual commercial break in a blog post.
You know, these past 7 days were ridiculously amazing- we were in paradise in an all inclusive resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. For the kids and I, it was our First time leaving the country and a super humbling experience. Per the usual foreign fuckeries there were tiny bits and pieces I wasn’t overly excited about and if I could go back- I’d do a few things differently, specifically regarding my wedding, like- not be so fat and stuff like that- but overall, we all did things we’ve never done before, and created so many phenomenal memories as a family. I’ll save the details of the trip for a separate post- there’s so much to share! For now-
I can see the ground people!
Mostly this was a “I need to distract myself” and “if I die these will be my last words” type of post- but it looks like we’ve made it home alive. A little sunburned, and a whole lot of exhausted, but nevertheless very much alive. Phew.