For the past week I’ve been digging for some light-hearted rantspiration because I feel as if I’m constantly like damn girl, why you gotta be so dark all the time though? Lighten up yo. Except I haven’t used the word “yo” since I was 12 when I also used to force my handwriting to resemble illegal graffiti and spelled thingz wrong on purpoze bcuz dat wuz da cool thing 2 do, ya know wut I mean dawg? Oh why child, whyyyy!?
And so here I’ve been, rummaging through mental junkyards of unfinished drafts like a famished mouse in the back alley of a restaurant looking for a fresh piece of cheese. Or whatever starving mice eat in back alleys these days. We don’t have to get into the politics of starvation and poverty rates among mice right now, okay? My point is that the cheese is a metaphor for my inspiration, the back alley of the restaurant is my errrr…brain (garbage?) and I’m…the mouse? Ugh. I would. Ok. So yea. This whole entire paragraph stinks like rotten cheese
from my back alley.
The truth is though, I’m getting married in 14 days and that’s literally, the only friggin’ thing on my mind right now and I haven’t known where or how to even begin to talk about this stuff! And now I’ve been dragging myself, carrying all this dead weight on my shoulders and it needs to be off and buried because it’s starting to decay. Oh joy. Now this post may start to smell like a dead body (get it? like the body of a paragra- let’s just hope you got that one).
You’d think by now my entire blog would be flooded with white-rose-petal-sprinkled posts about dress hunting adventures and tirelessly giddy details about the décor and the venue and all the emotional ups and downs right? I mean, what girl who’s about to get her “happily ever after” handed to her on the pristine sandy beaches of a beautiful Caribbean island isn’t being obnoxious as hell about it?
Well me. That’s the fuck who. I guess I’m not your typical little bride to be. We’ve been engaged for 10+ years now mostly due to financial stresses and the kids but also because I never actually wanted to get married and have a wedding to begin with.
Truth be told I’ve never been interested in the amount of stress involved with the whole process and the paperwork and legalities that get tied into what you think is supposed to be the “spiritual union of two souls that were meant to be together for the rest of eternity”. Like hold on. Why is paperwork required to prove that your love for and commitment to someone is legit? I’m not graduating high school or driving a car here like whose dumbass idea was a “marriage license” or “certificate” or whatever? A prenup? Umm…how about what’s yours is ours anyways and if you’re THAT worried about us ending it before we even started then what’s the point?
Not to mention, I wasn’t raised around the brightest examples of commitment, respect, loyalty and “till death do us part” (unless killing each other counts I suppose). My mom was married 3 times, none of which ended with any kind of happily ever after for her nor for us as a family, and so I think that I’ve also always had this tiny fear that I’m not genetically predisposed to ever have a blissful fairytale marriage.
I mean, who could really blame me for keeping things unofficial for so long and not following the traditional footsteps that clearly never fucking worked in my family anyways?
Ok. But why now, you ask?
That’s a valid question I shouldn’t have to answer but will- since putting my stuff out there is my thing.
Why? Because we have officially, been through it all and when I say all- I mean all. I don’t think you could even fathom the extremity of what the term all means here but let’s just say we have hit the rockiest bottoms of rock bottoms and we have reached the highest of highs together and everything in between that-times infinity and beyond-and here we are. Still standing.
We have gone from high school psycho-sweethearts to fun loving parents who have created a family and this life together, regardless of whatever obstacles have tried to break us down. And oh, have they tried. Relentlessly. But we aren’t quitters.
So we fucking win, life.
Yes there are scars that will never disappear. Yes there are wounds that may trickle with thread-like streams of blood from time to time, and those may never fully heal. Yes there are tiny broken pieces that will fall out of place when the glue that holds them intact becomes weakened by a painful memory. It happens. We are human. It’s taken me so long to understand this- but I’m finally there. Shit happens and we can either give up and move on, or we can do everything we possibly can to make it work because that’s the person who sets our soul on fire and honey, you don’t find that fire more than once. You may, but the flames may never rise as high or burn as intensely.
We are nowhere near the perfect couple but that is what 16 years will do to people who have changed and grown and gone through shit and made mistakes and learned from them and had this accumulation of experiences called life.
It’s called perseverance. It’s called going to war for what and who you love. It’s called holding on. It’s called passion.
We have walked through flames in hell on our bare feet searching for each other and we never gave up, even when the rest of the world said let go….move on. But those who know us individually will understand how we are both equally hard-headed, determined, and give zero fucks about what anyone else has to say about our personal decisions.
And you know? Now our kids are old enough to understand that when people have kids and start a family and have a home and love each other, they have weddings and get married- and they’ve begun to ask questions. They’ve begun to question US as a family. And it’s not that we made this decision solely because of them, but I do want them to believe in happily ever afters- because I never really did. I want this special moment for all of us. My 6 year old son will be walking me down the aisle and giving me away to his daddy and I can’t even begin to express how special that is. Be still, my heart.
People may question the foundation of our marriage because they think they know the whole story but the truth is, people only know what we choose to tell or show or give them. No one will ever know the whole story. Because our story hasn’t ended. It’s only just begun.
For those who are out there, fighting for who or what they love, and being true to their hearts- this one is for you. Where there is love, there will always be hope. Never stop chasing what is real to you. Silence the noise that influences you to act against what’s inside of your heart. I’m telling you- silence it. The noise will never make or break you- only you can do that to yourselves.
LOVE WILL ALWAYS CONQUER, FRIENDS.
(Here we are at 16-17 years old)