Witty Rants

The Coolest Flocking Flamingle Like EVER.

“Hi! I’m Ely… the stepmom!”

[insert fake smile]

“Welcome! Oh this must be…

[insert pause while I fake-patiently await oversized raging hormonal pre-teen number 37’s name. Also- what the hell are these kids eating? Are they all on steroids?! They’re giants! 6 foot tall little boys and 12 year old girls on their periods everywhere and are those implants?! Is that even legal?! Nope. They’re huge real boobs holy shit!]

…Oh YES OF COURSE! Johnny! Hey Johnny ready to party?!”

[insert overdramatized enthusiasm and oversized smile]

Johnny and mom #37 are now just blankly and awkwardly staring at me. #37 has officially decided it’s very likely that I smoke crack but she has shit to do and this is her one shot to go solo-shopping and have brunch with the girls so fuck it. She’ll take a risk. Crack or no crack, Johnny stays….

“WELL ALRIGHT then you can leave you bags over here Johnny! There’s the restroom and have fun!”

[insert crickets]

“…….Alright Mom! He’ll be just fine as long as he can swim!”

[insert fake chuckle]

Mom smiles blankly and says she’ll be back at 6 and never looks back. She repeats the words “shopping” and “mimosas” to herself like a positive morning mantra to get her through the day.

This is what my Saturday a few weekends ago basically consisted of for my stepdaughters 12th birthday “Flamingle” pool bash. But By the 45th fucking parent- I made sure I was too drunk to properly introduce myself and let grandma and dad take over the adulting-fuckeries. I was already at my wit’s end. Like Fuck this. Don’t leave your kid here. It’s not safe. I probably DO smoke crack and maybe the virgin piña coladas and strawberry daiquiris I’m serving your children AREN’T so virgin after all. And broken bones. So. Many. Broken. Bones. Will. Happen.

Forward: I kept the drinks virgin and stayed off the crack but there actually WERE broken bones so keep reading. This gets good.

I’d been planning this pool party for MONTHS. I sorta knew it would end in chaos and mayhem and possibly an entire city burned to ashes as soon as my stepdaughter told me she’d passed out 80 invitations to just classmates. She also made it pretty clear that her party needed to be bigger and better and bad-ass(er?) and hotter and hipper and well- no pressure right? And I know what you’re thinking: The little shit. Don’t let her control you like that. Who’s the adult here? But here’s the thing- she deserved it. And also. I don’t think many people could ever understand what being a step-mom is actually like.

It’s harder than it looks. I was lucky enough that she was only 2-ish years old when she came into my life and so I’ve had all this time to essentially, “win” her love but even then- it’s been hard. She was a tough and insanely advanced 2 year old who wanted nothing to do with me. At 22 and childless, I was a lost domestic duck in the wild and unforgiving jungle of step-parenting.

But I never budged. I never let it get to me. I never complained. I never let her win. She was 2 and it wasn’t her fault things were changing and I was determined to love this child so hard she’d eventually give up and love me back.

Fast forward 10 years and she’s like my little best friend but the work will never end for me because I will forever continue to try to impress her and be the “cool” stepmom on the block. Because I’ve been in her shoes several times and most of all my experiences with stepparents were unfortunate. I won’t be that “less-than” step-parent. I refuse. So if this party was a big deal for her then it was a huge deal for me.

And needless to say, the decor and the details were phenomenal. I stormed through every fucking Target, Dollar Tree and Walmart in Miami and raided Amazon until I owned every possible pineapple and flamingo decoration known to man. Everything was gorgeous. It was every little girl’s dream! Not to mention the 18 foot water slide into the pool, the DJ, and the custom made Tiki-Bar her dad built her from scratch. Don’t roll your eyes. I saw that.

ps- that’s a fully hand painted palm-leaf tier. I know. I know.

56 raging, hormonal, pre-teenagers. That’s how many I was able to count being half-sober. Honestly, I think 15 people in my pool is too much. It’s not that big. But yet, over 50.

That’s how the hospitalizations happened.

Actually. This is how the hospitalizations happened:

50ish out of control carefree kids + 1 not-so-stable inflatable 18 foot slide= 1 dislocated knee/sprained ankle, 1 lower back injury (he turned out ok), and 1 swollen, black and blue face.

How’s that for an equation, eh?!

What’s beyond me is how zero parents stayed at the party and how not one parent hesitated to leave their kid in a stranger’s house under their “care”. I MEAN WE TRIED but do you think any of these rebelling fucking kids were listening to us?! No. The only thing that listened was the drink in my cup. It understood. It. just. Did.

Also. Ask me about how these little girls are so damn uneducated these days that they left my bathroom filled with bloody pads on the floors- open for all to enjoy and smell. Ask me about how they chewed gum and left gum stuck all over our freshly done floors around the pool area. Better yet- ask me about how a little girl and a little boy ended up locked up in the bathroom together. Ask me. I dare you. When confronted- they were all like “oh we were just talking…”

Listen you little slut. Do NOT “just talk” in my bathroom with a boy behind a locked door. I will take responsibility for broken bones. I will fucking not take responsibility for pre-teenage pregnancy. Nope. Not today. Not on my watch. You wanna fiddle with a tiny penis- you do that shit somewhere else.

Despite those few set-backs, and the fact that there were still random kids in my house past 9pm when everyone was supposed to be long gone by 6:30…it was a hit. Actually, the set-backs were not set-backs at all because apparently in the minds of these kids, disaster equals success. The more there is to talk about, the better. Go figure.

30 thoughts on “The Coolest Flocking Flamingle Like EVER.”

  1. Fucking love it!! You rocked it like no other and that party will be the talk of the school until the end of the year!

    You are an inspiration and are so witty with your actions (and rants) that it can brighten anyone’s day. Keep up the struggle and enjoy every moment of it, that’s just how life is meant to be 🌸💜

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aw Yoey thank you so much. You’re such a ray of light for me. I’m so happy to share the same space on this planet with someone like you. Honestly. Love you girl. Your vibes are so vibrant and peaceful and earthy and NEEDED. I appreciate your existence. Thank you!

      Like

  2. And with that, these children attended their first “rager” and were inducted into adulthood. Hahaha what a day that must’ve been! Next time you do this please have a megaphone handy (if you didn’t for this one). That will just up the entertainment value. Seriously though, your kids will remember this forever and still talk about it 20 years from now, so mission accomplished on your part!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Lol!!! Yes! Megaphone for sure! I did grab the microphone from the DJ and was like HEY! Yooo I’m the stepmom. What’s good?! Listen. We need to cut this CAKE lol or something like that. It was great. No one listened lol #fails thanks Paul! Def one to remember

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is absolute gold!!!! Love the honesty about it. I’m coaching 3 and 4 years old in t-ball right now and the parents that straight up leave their ungrateful fuck trophies like I am the babysitter. What the hell is wrong with people?! I could not even begin to imagine 50 of them bastards. LOL

    Like

    1. Lol 😂 thank you!! “Ungrateful fuck trophies” LOL DID WE JUST BECOME FRIENDS??!?!
      YEPP!!!!!!
      I love it lol. You have no idea! I’m telling you. ALCOHOL. Dassit. Lol 😆

      Like

    1. My love!! I thought you were Off the map!!! I read your last post and was like well- I want to comment but she turned off her comments so I’ll give her some
      Space. Are YA BACK??!?! And thank you!!!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh I need to go read asap! Can’t wait! And for the record- it never mattered what you would write! This is about real emotion- I know that’s how you roll. Sometimes we feel like we are on this pessimism-festival but really it’s just what comes out relevant to our actual real NOT FAKE lives and your blogging family and friends love you regardless of your content choice or your mood girl- never stop writing because you feel some type of way about feeling some type of way. We can’t help what we feel! Love ya Jad!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You are so right on so many levels and it is bizarre that I can write about all the crap and taboo subjects that I have written about but somehow this depression seems so personal…I am working through it and Jadalicious will be back in full force!!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. HAHA! I do not understand how you found the energy, the patience or the sheer will to throw this “banger” (I think that is what the kids are saying these days). The cake – phenomenal. I am completely impressed. Your backyard looked like the Fall Festival in my hometown. Like, if the whole town came. And WHAT. Kids locked in the bathroom?! At 12, I’m pretty sure – no, I am absolutely sure – I hadn’t even kissed anyone! Let alone “fiddled with a tiny penis” hahaha. I am glad that you were able to give your step daughter the party she, before, could only dream about. You’ve, once again, completely impressed me. If it isn’t your way with words, it’s your way with cake. And if it isn’t your way with cake, I now see it is your way with the ones that you love. Let me tell you something, this makes me extremely excited to see how your wedding turns out. Love you, my little list-making, perfect teeth flashing, sense of humor to die for, East Coast Angel! .xo.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Myka you’ve made my morning my day and my month lol you’re so sweet honestly. I can’t handle you! And Lol I wasn’t an angel at 12 but I def didn’t lock myself up in a bathroom with a BOY at that age lol I was writing in slam books (do you know what those were) and worried about having the biggest bell bottom pants in school lol 😂 but these kids are outta control dude. Like WTF. The entire day the next day I was just like WTFFF WTF WTTTFFFF happened here lol 😂. Also- I’m getting mad old. I thought a banger was a one hit single like a rap song or something lol. I need to brush up on the urban dictionary. Geez. Love you Myka! So so much.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Ditto all these comments. My jaw is on the floor and all I can say is….congratulations. That is some cake, some planning and some group of kids! As for their manners and those girls leaving that shit around??? What the hell? That shocks me more than 2 kids locked in a bathroom or even the accidents. However kudos for you for an amazing effort and I hope your step daughter appreciates all your work and dedication. And also doesn’t expect that every year!! (Or ever again?)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. DAMN! OK, I must bow down to the QWEEEEEEEN. Like, you SLAYED. Holy SHEET. You are a fucking rockstar in so many ways. Just the fact that you even had the guts to put on a party of this magnitude says a lot. The decor and your cake was AMAZING. I wouldn’t feel bad AT ALL about the injuries, because you tried and like you said, they didn’t listen and proceeded to go balls to the wall insane. The fact no parents stayed to assist, yet judged….FUUUUUCK that. So, all in all, you are the 👑

    Liked by 1 person

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