Humor, Witty Rants

Confessions of a Paper Clip Slayer

I consider myself to be a bit of an oddity. I am super fucking weird.

Seriously, there are some quirks and things about me that make zero sense, whatsofuckenever.

Take this ridiculous and wasteful habit of mines for instance:

What the hell is that you say? Oh you know. A photo. That would be my desk. And on top? The remnants of what was once a very very normal and very functional metal paper clip. Once upon a time, it held papers together beautifully. Now look what I’ve done. What kind of monster am I?! Oh the horror! The agony! The-

Ok. I’ll stop.

But come anywhere near my working spaces, (I dare you) and you’re sure to run into mini-graveyards of these contorted, dismembered… basically slaughtered paper clips. Sooo much violence! The bodies are everywhere ya’ll.

Why do I DO THIS?! I have the slightest clue, but it keeps me focused and distracted from waves of anxiety/stress while I’m on a phone call or having a conversation with someone who makes me uncomfortable or while I’m reading emails or just basically doing any kind of normal thing that normal people can manage to accomplish without ruthlessly attacking innocent paper clips.


I guess this is the equivalent of those of us who tend to scribble and doodle in the corners of our pages while we are on a phone call- or is that just me as well?! Give me a break here people. Except this is nothing like doodling in the corner of a paper because this shit is painful! It requires stabbing my fingers and hands with the pointy edges of the clips and hurting myself trying to twist and bend them (it’s not that easy to do) and I’m sure, I’m the single only fucking masochist on this planet who finds this remotely satisfying!

“But there are so many options out there for stress relief and focus Ely!”

Oh for sure!

Maybe I should invest in a set of those stress-relief whatever balls. Oh for fuck sake. Can you imagine me sitting there massaging and playing with a set of actual balls in the palms of my hands like “what? I’m playing with my balls!” WHO THINKS UP THIS BULLSHIT!?

I would never! But then I found these and I second guessed myself-

I mean…. I don’t know. These might work right? No? Oh come on! Grow a set!

Maybe I should try one of those “adult” coloring books you say?! Oh SURE! Why not just also buy some fucking rainbow colored popsicle sticks and fuzzy cotton balls and build a little fun cottage while Mary Had a Little Lamb is on blast in the background and call it “Adult Arts and Crafts Time” too? Shut up. Seriously. Stop it with your fucking coloring books. I’m offended.

Unless of course it’s this one-

Because that’s totally a YES in my book! I’m just saying. I’m in.

Then I also ran into these fuckeries-

WHAT?! Bitch putty?! Someone is making BANK off of BITCH PUTTY?! I’m in the wrong business.

This is fucking awesome! Someone buy me this! Help me I’m poor!

I’m not sure this would help stress or anxiety but there is NOTHING like a full-on fuck it attitude! So this could work too!

I mean I gotta tell you- I’m intrigued!!! Like here I am wasting away office supplies- murdering clans of paper clips one by one, and there are so many other options out there for sick demented people like myself! I mean they’ve thought of it ALL! This generation of junk never ceases to amaze me! And yet people are “broke”? Oh fucking please! People aren’t broke- they’re just plain old school classic STUPID.

You know, just FOR the record, I tend to tease my great friend Paul for never having tasted a taco, or Frosted Flakes, or a MILKSHAKE or a lollipop or white rice I think, in his whole entire life (and oh this list goes ON and on). But look at me- who am I to dare even talk? Who do I think I am? The Paper Clip Slayer has zero rights!

And how about the fact that I can’t sleep if my closet door or vanity drawers or nightstand drawers aren’t fully shut closed? Or how I break apart my food into pieces in my hands before I put the food in my mouth? Yea. I’m talking PIZZA, chips, burgers- whatever…I eat them ripped up piece by ripped up piece instead of just taking fucking bites! Super annoying, I know. I have this argument ALL the time with the boytoy. How about how I’m so grossed out by backwash not even my children are allowed to share drinks with me? They LIVED in my body. But fuck that! Don’t touch my drink you drooling rugrats! Or how I REALLY really like hot sauce in yellow rice and cilantro in my scrambled eggs? Yea. I can keep going but who has time for that?

I don’t judge. And I expect the same damn treatment here.

And probably, my paycheck will be docked following this confession. Paper clips will maybe, be the end of me. But for now, I’ll continue to be the end of them. Bahahah!

I just punched you in the ribcage with a paper clip rant. The end is near. So near.

We all have a little weird in us. Obviously some more than others! But seriously, let it out! Tell me all about your little quirky traits! Please do tell! It’s Tuesday. Tuesdays suck! I need the laughs guys. Save my soul.

22 thoughts on “Confessions of a Paper Clip Slayer”

  1. Oh my freaking god!!! I am so with you on the back wash my kids can’t even breathe on my food!!!
    I don’t think you’re weird with the paper clips I think we’ve all left some demented paperclips behind on our office desks

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol!!! Thank god I’m not the worst mom lol!!!!! I feel so guilty about that!!!!!!!! And thank you because it’s been surprisingly comforting to know that so many others have this paper clip dilemma!! Xoxo!!! Need to swing by and catch up on You Jad!!! I’ve been so terribly behind! Ugh!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ok I’m freaking out here lol we are connected by unconnected paper clips! Lol 😆 that’s too much for me to take in
    !!! I can’t. I’m in shock! Also that rice was ALL WRONG! Glad you like that other fried version at least!!! You see there’s hope lol ok I’m still in shock lol it’s a big deal!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And the thing with paper clips is you can never really bend it back into its proper position. We’re just deliberately destroying office supplies like psychopaths hahah. This is a huge deal!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. LOL. I think that’s part of the challenge Hahaha Trying to destroy it and then get it back in place without it breaking but that willl neverrr happen! 😂 for sure psychopaths. I’m telling you. I’m known for this lol it’s so so bad.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hahah is it weird for me to say I now have an itch to bend a paperclip out of place? Oh and as for the not going to sleep unless the closet door is shut, I’m the same way. Feels like my clothes are watching me sleep otherwise. Then I imagine a whole Toy Story scenario taking place while I’m not looking.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Lol!! The itch is real. I totally understand. And about the toy story thing yea no I wish it was that simple for me! lol I feel much darker things my friend lol 😂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I’m the same way! I have to have all closet doors shut, and drawers! Paul knows, though, I somehow can sleep with my bedroom door sightly ajar. Lately it’s been closed since I’ve been locking Zero out because my BF is a light sleeper, but if he isn’t sleeping over – the door is AJAR people.

        Liked by 2 people


    I don’t really do it anymore because I don’t have paperclip readily available, but I would definitely keep one in my hand and bend it out of place until it broke off so easily. This explains our friendship haha. Also, I tried white rice a few weeks ago – it was really sticky and tasted like glue, but then again there was no seasoning in it blah. I had pork fried rice today, so much better.

    BUT THE PAPER CLIP THING. We’re so weird.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t want to seem life I’m hopping on the cool kid band wagon here – but… Dare I say it? I used to do this at my job in college. OR probably any time I was at a desk with them out an nearby. I didn’t always pull them apart into death pieces – but I did fiddle with them! It always started when I was on the phone, & I would slide one onto the top of my finger, of course this stretches it out and it cannot be used to properly good papers anymore so before throwing it away I’d play with it. Lol! Guess we are all a little bit of the same crazy – to varying degrees!
      I think now, I mostly doodle. Or open & close social media incessantly not even looking at anything. Hah!
      Let me know if you get any of those stress balls, HAHA. That would be quite interesting in your line of work. 🙂 .xo.

      Liked by 1 person

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