I consider myself to be a bit of an oddity. I am super fucking weird.
Seriously, there are some quirks and things about me that make zero sense, whatsofuckenever.
Take this ridiculous and wasteful habit of mines for instance:
What the hell is that you say? Oh you know. A photo. That would be my desk. And on top? The remnants of what was once a very very normal and very functional metal paper clip. Once upon a time, it held papers together beautifully. Now look what I’ve done. What kind of monster am I?! Oh the horror! The agony! The-
Ok. I’ll stop.
But come anywhere near my working spaces, (I dare you) and you’re sure to run into mini-graveyards of these contorted, dismembered… basically slaughtered paper clips. Sooo much violence! The bodies are everywhere ya’ll.
Why do I DO THIS?! I have the slightest clue, but it keeps me focused and distracted from waves of anxiety/stress while I’m on a phone call or having a conversation with someone who makes me uncomfortable or while I’m reading emails or just basically doing any kind of normal thing that normal people can manage to accomplish without ruthlessly attacking innocent paper clips.
I guess this is the equivalent of those of us who tend to scribble and doodle in the corners of our pages while we are on a phone call- or is that just me as well?! Give me a break here people. Except this is nothing like doodling in the corner of a paper because this shit is painful! It requires stabbing my fingers and hands with the pointy edges of the clips and hurting myself trying to twist and bend them (it’s not that easy to do) and I’m sure, I’m the single only fucking masochist on this planet who finds this remotely satisfying!
“But there are so many options out there for stress relief and focus Ely!”
Oh for sure!
Maybe I should invest in a set of those stress-relief whatever balls. Oh for fuck sake. Can you imagine me sitting there massaging and playing with a set of actual balls in the palms of my hands like “what? I’m playing with my balls!” WHO THINKS UP THIS BULLSHIT!?
I would never! But then I found these and I second guessed myself-
I mean…. I don’t know. These might work right? No? Oh come on! Grow a set!
Maybe I should try one of those “adult” coloring books you say?! Oh SURE! Why not just also buy some fucking rainbow colored popsicle sticks and fuzzy cotton balls and build a little fun cottage while Mary Had a Little Lamb is on blast in the background and call it “Adult Arts and Crafts Time” too? Shut up. Seriously. Stop it with your fucking coloring books. I’m offended.
Unless of course it’s this one-
Because that’s totally a YES in my book! I’m just saying. I’m in.
Then I also ran into these fuckeries-
WHAT?! Bitch putty?! Someone is making BANK off of BITCH PUTTY?! I’m in the wrong business.
This is fucking awesome! Someone buy me this! Help me I’m poor!
I’m not sure this would help stress or anxiety but there is NOTHING like a full-on fuck it attitude! So this could work too!
I mean I gotta tell you- I’m intrigued!!! Like here I am wasting away office supplies- murdering clans of paper clips one by one, and there are so many other options out there for sick demented people like myself! I mean they’ve thought of it ALL! This generation of junk never ceases to amaze me! And yet people are “broke”? Oh fucking please! People aren’t broke- they’re just plain old school classic STUPID.
You know, just FOR the record, I tend to tease my great friend Paul for never having tasted a taco, or Frosted Flakes, or a MILKSHAKE or a lollipop or white rice I think, in his whole entire life (and oh this list goes ON and on). But look at me- who am I to dare even talk? Who do I think I am? The Paper Clip Slayer has zero rights!
And how about the fact that I can’t sleep if my closet door or vanity drawers or nightstand drawers aren’t fully shut closed? Or how I break apart my food into pieces in my hands before I put the food in my mouth? Yea. I’m talking PIZZA, chips, burgers- whatever…I eat them ripped up piece by ripped up piece instead of just taking fucking bites! Super annoying, I know. I have this argument ALL the time with the boytoy. How about how I’m so grossed out by backwash not even my children are allowed to share drinks with me? They LIVED in my body. But fuck that! Don’t touch my drink you drooling rugrats! Or how I REALLY really like hot sauce in yellow rice and cilantro in my scrambled eggs? Yea. I can keep going but who has time for that?
I don’t judge. And I expect the same damn treatment here.
And probably, my paycheck will be docked following this confession. Paper clips will maybe, be the end of me. But for now, I’ll continue to be the end of them. Bahahah!
I just punched you in the ribcage with a paper clip rant. The end is near. So near.
We all have a little weird in us. Obviously some more than others! But seriously, let it out! Tell me all about your little quirky traits! Please do tell! It’s Tuesday. Tuesdays suck! I need the laughs guys. Save my soul.