Humor, Lifestyle Rants, Parenting Rants, Witty Rants

The Results Are In. Facebook… You ARE The Mother

I don’t know if it may be that Mother Nature is having a hormonal tantrum, or if perhaps global warming is to blame, or if there was like a catastrophic sperm-storm that hit every other uterus here in Miami and who knows where I was (thank God) but literally, I feel like I’m being ambushed in every angle by pregnant bitches, bitches trying to get pregnant, or bitches who just gave birth. They are EVERYWHERE!

I mean seriously- that’s a beautiful thing. It really is. I’m HAPPY for ya’ll. But take that baby-juju somewhere else because I’m all set.

With that said, it also just so happens that I’m part of a couple of mommy forums on Facebook (even though my kids are a bit older so I’m usually just hanging out in the background with a thermos full of maybe coffee maybe vodka wearing all black and big-ass shades to avoid making any kind of eye contact with the psycho insomniac new mommy begging for mercy and a new friend) and I’m suddenly compelled to vent. What’s new huh?

Because what a load of bullshit. I just can’t deal with this level of stupidity that moms are exuding these days and this shit needs to stop! Or maybe I just need to mind my own damn business and remove myself from said groups but man I get a kick out of this stuff, so meh… I think I’ll stay.

It just seems like social media has become like this “Motherhood 101” resource and ok sure I’m all for a support system and encouragement, but when moms-to-be or new moms depend on complete random strangers in a fucking social media group for pediatric medical advice and want others to TELL THEM what to do in even the tiniest of situations? And they sit there waiting on instructions on how to be a mother to their child? That is NOT normal. It’s not fucking OK. And it’s not natural. I’m sorry. BASH ME IF YOU WANT, but there’s a difference between being emotionally needy, and just NEEDY NEEDY altogether.

I kid you not- these are some examples of the things I’ve seen that just make me want to drop kick these women:

My child is suffering from an ear infection. What should I do?

Oh. You mean besides get said child to a fucking doctor??! What do you want? A PINTEREST remedy? Seriously? You want an easy way out? Shut the fuck up. Get off of Facebook and for the love of all things Holy and good, get the kid checked out!

I just had a baby. I really love to eat…especially sweets. Don’t judge me! I can’t seem to get rid of the weight! I have no time to workout. Please help.

Oh. I’m judging you. I’m judging you HARD. Are you even reading the things you’re writing? You’re an idiot. I don’t feel sorry for you like at ALL. Clearly you just need some extra attention. Enjoy that cupcake though. NEXXXT??!

Should I apply sunscreen on my child? Is that safe?

Oh dear Jesus. No. It’s actually not safe. Please proceed to take your baby out on the beach and be sure she gets 10 degree sunburns. You cunt. Someone call the department of children and families on this extra-special bitch.

My five week old is fussy at night and I’m not sure what to do, any advice?

Yea. Actually? STOP PROCREATING. Don’t ever have another kid. The fuck did you think would happen when you had a baby? That it would sleep a peaceful 8 hours and get your laundry done?! Pfffftttt.

Any recommendations on super clean affordable daycares? I need to get back to work but I really don’t want my baby/toddler to get sick!

What planet are you even on?! First of all momma? Define affordable? Because I have 2 kids who are 1 year and 9 months apart. I was paying 800$ per month on daycare expenses. That’s practically paying rent on a small apartment here in Miami (back then…) and if you think you can just “skip” the whole part where your kid will be sick for what seems like FOREVER when they start even the BEST of the most EXPENSIVE of daycares- then you are seriously fucking delusional honey.

WHERE IS YOUR COMMON SENSE MOMMIES?! Where are you getting your information from?! WHAT kinds of fuckery-fairy tales have been fed to you about motherhood? Get your mommy-shit together ladies!

You want some basic momma-advice? NO?! Great I’m glad you asked.

Stop asking for any and everyone’s advice and opinion on every little thing that has to do with your child and the way you’re handling it. You’re the mother. And no mom out there in the world is having your same exact experience even when they say they are. I call bullshit! Because every child is unique and every mother is unique in her approach and what works for some will not work for all.

There is no fucking one-size-fits-all solution to teething or constipation or sleeping troubles. Not all babies will develop the same eating or digestive habits. I mean come ON! You need advice on what BABY BAG TO PURCHASE??! Get a fucking BAG you can afford that has space in it and shut the fuck up. Seriously! I can’t.

Let’s also take into consideration the hormonal shit-storms that are still happening during pregnancy and post-labor. Social media just makes it easy for strangers to criticize whatever you are doing or not doing which will for sure lead you to feel pressured to stray away from your own maternal instincts and may cause you to feel guilty or depressed because you’re not “doing it right”.

And you’re not “doing it right” according to who? Karen? Oh yea! You mean Karen the part time yoga instructor from Yugoslavia who makes organic baby food from scratch while her husband is out cheating on her with the office whore? Karen is not perfect. Fuck Karen. And fuck her baby-mantras and fuck her dumb beads and fuck her organic baby-barf-food and fuck alllll her incense therapy meditative bullshit. You do YOU momma!

Go with your GUT feeling and deal with the things and if it’s that bad- seek professional advice from a physician for fuck sake! Dancing naked under a full moon and praying to the Eucalyptus Gods will not cure an upper respiratory infection. Rubbing holy water blended with organic raisins that were blessed by a vegan priest over your child’s tummy will not make the kid poop any faster. Stop it. Just stop it.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me being independent and like “don’t fucking tell me what to do they’re my kids“. I’ve just never been needy in that sense and I don’t take opinions on my parenting very lightly at all. But to each her own I suppose.

How did moms do the things before social media? It’s like motherhood is evolving and women are beginning to mistrust their instincts or have just straight up lost their natural instincts. Look at what the fucking internet is doing to humanity…..

35 thoughts on “The Results Are In. Facebook… You ARE The Mother”

  1. This is the new best thing you’ve ever written! The “STOP PROCREATING” part killed me, ironically hahaha. I’m just imagining all of these mothers standing in their house telling their child to stay still while they ask a Facebook group for advice. It’s actually quite hilarious. Anyway you killed it with this blog post, I’ll be laughing for a while lol

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LOL! Thank you Paul!!! Have you ever seen Beauty and the Beast? You know where the entire village gets together in a rage of flaming torches and sing “KILL THE BEAST!” Yea. I’m the beast being hunted by the village mommies lmfao!!! Oh well! THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! or get you killed. Meh.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel like this is a bad time to mention I have no recollection of the plot to Beauty and the Beast but I do remember The Grinch and all the members of Boo-whoville getting together and being mad. Is that the same thing? I’m going to say it is!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh boy. Lol!!! Well. I suppose something like that! LOL that works too! And how did I know this would happen hahaha! The prince was cruel- he is cursed and turned into a hideous monster and every staff member of his castle turns into a “living” appliance (a clock a plate a cup) and he’s on a timeline (and all his people) where if he doesn’t find TRUE LOVE (as a hideous monster) before the last petal of this magical rose falls, he will remain this lonely monster for all of eternity and his cooks and maids will remain brooms and dustpans and cups who LOSE their “living” abilities and are just dead objects. along comes Belle, who ultimately sees PAST the hideous monster and well- so the story goes… they fall in love and he “dies” trying to save her and she’s crying over him and he magically turns back into Prince Charming.
        The end

        Liked by 1 person

      3. This sounds like an episode of The Bachelor. Also, I feel like it’s responsible for planting seeds in the minds of children that if they don’t grow up and get married by a certain age than their friends will remain as objects, or something like that. Hahah thanks for the quick summary! I shall put this knowledge to good use.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. LmAo @ an episode from the bachelor- you WOULLLD! And you’re totally right- Disney movies All Have a hidden contaminating message behind them! The Little Mermaid teaches us to sacrifice EVERYTHING for a man- even family. Even our vocal cords. And our fins! Just AWFUL. I’m sure I could come up with twisted messages for every single one but I won’t go there in a comment section LOL.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Fucking Karen, and her lies! lol! I love you. I took my 8 year old Goddaughter to see PeterRabbit last week and there was this mom with her 3 year old next to me. The boy was like “My tummy hurts, I want to go home” and she was like “No! We paid for this movie!” and then he vomited everywhere and I was like : “THATS WHAT YOU GET!!!”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. lol same!
      I am not a mum (although I’d like to be one day) this still left me giggling.

      You have to give folks a bit of leeway though as they are probably sleep deprived.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Lol 😂 ofcourse. I was purposefully being ruthless for the laughs 😁 thanks for reading! I’m glad even not-yet-moms are enjoying this. My soul is happy!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I think I understand where the Sunscreen Moron was coming from, because there is some sketchy, controversial, and not-very-well-understood-by-non-scientists information floating around that says the chemicals in certain sunscreens may increase your risk of developing skin cancer with prolonged exposure. So, she probably read that, did exactly zero research, and panicked. There are plenty of natural/organic sunscreens out there that don’t have the dangerous chemical combos. PLENTY. All it takes is a quick google search to find them.

    And, if given the choice between a one-time application of not-so-great-in-the-long-term chemicals versus SUN ROASTING YOUR CHILD, go with the chemicals.

    I have cats. Cats are easier.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LMFAO!!! Thanks for the facts! Honestly- seems as though no matter WHAT we do, cancer happens. My point was more along the “fucking ask a doctor…do your research…” you know?! Lmao some of these women should def have opted for not even a cat though, but perhaps a hamster or an iguana. Lol 😂 they’re not even worthy of cats.

      Liked by 1 person

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