Witty Rants

The Giddy Thief

I’ve been holding off on posting my next masterpiece emotional disaster because I really want to work on something strategically funny and upbeat, as opposed to another depressing neverending rant from hell. So I’ve been waiting patiently to get my giddy back. Because I’m bored of being like, this angry pandemoniac raging beast anxious mommy baker bitch all the damn time. Like where is my happy at? YO! Sera!! Serotonin!? Where you at lil’ momma?!Where is my light-hearted quirky at? Where is my fun-lovin’-airhead at? Where is my spunk at?! Where is my Ely at?

“SHE. DOES. NOT. LIVE. HEEEERRREE”, says Susan in her creepiest, possessed-by-Lucifer’s-soul growl.

Go fly a kite, Susan. Don’t make me be crude. I’m trying to get my giddy back here. Not today, Susan.

I just- ok…how can I explain myself… I just know for sure that I’ve not been myACTUALself lately. Like I know that I’m 50 shades of dark. I get it. But I’m not dark dark. You know? I’m like funny dark. I’m like, sarcastic dark. I’m like …cute dark. I’m like, Black Iridescent Glitter dark. I’m not sure why I’m trying to justify who I am here. But that’s how I’d describe my soul. A rainy day mixed with sunshine. A lone red thorny rose in a field of daisies. An orange Starburst in a bag of pinks.

What the fuck does all of THAT mean? What a waste of words. I thought you weren’t doing the depressive rant thin-

It means GO FLY THAT KITE Susan!! The KITE! It’s waiting SUSAN. That kite ain’t gon’ fly itself girl!

CLEARLY, I’ve been through “some things” and I know most of you appreciate how honest I am about literally everything but I miss being inspired to write for fun and not just for the sake of needing to provide myself therapy for all of the obstacles I’ve encountered along this journey towards “the self”.

But guess what? I WAS FINALLLYYY inspired yesterday! I was!!! It was so random and sudden while I was scrolling through some articles online before bed. It just all got poured into me and I had all of these hysterical ideas to rant about that weren’t about “me” and my personal junk in the trunk of my mind (my mind’s butt?!) And man I was pumped! I was stoked! (Do kids still say that even?) I was hype! I was psyched!

And then I fell into a deep, wonderful, giddy slumber.

And then I woke up.

And I couldn’t find my debit card anywhere. Because my car was again running on prayer-fumes. My kids were running late. And it was suddenly, freezing cold outside when just yesterday it was blistering fucking hot and so I wasn’t prepared and couldn’t find jackets for the kids. Or pants for that matter. My daughter’s hair was a hot mess. I was already late. Her dog decided to poop in my kitchen. Then it decided to escape out the front door when their bus arrived to pick them up and there I was at 7:30 am, chasing CHLOE the Psychotic Pomeranian down the block. Without shoes. And then? Oh it gets better.

I notice that my car door on the driver side was slightly ajar. And when I say slightly ajar I mean- someone broke into my car last night. Now- here’s the part where you’re like “Oh my! Did they damage your car!?” And then I’ll respond with “Nope. Because I purposefully leave my car door unlocked all the time.” And now you’ll briefly pause as a dumbfounded- expression slowly navigates its way righhhht towards the center of your face and you’re like “Um. Ok. Why would you-” Because I’d rather invite this thief inside my car to take a look around, rather than risk him shattering the windows on my beautiful new Cadillac.

Yes. Let that sink in. Do you know how fucking expensive it is to replace windows? And for what would they have been shattered?! For nothing because I know better than to ever leave anything valuable inside of my car. And the thought of that dumbass low-life’s reaction just when he’s (or she’s) convinced they’re about to strike some kind of grand-theft-gold inside of my center console but it ends in despair and maybe a few lost coins instead, ah yes my friend that is bliss. HA! Sucker!!!!

BUT to my misfortune- last night I did leave something in my car. I left my laptop bag. It was taken and again, the joke is on the thief, considering there was no laptop inside of it but there was a lot of work in there. Actually, literally ALL of my work in relation to my full time day job.

I’m a supervisor for a chain of Vascular surgical centers and I’ve been commuting between locations for training and assisting and so I always take my work with me because I’m so so so damn busy. And I mean- I. LOST. EVERYTHING. I feel.. like an abandoned, blind and def toddler in the middle of a jungle on a snowy day. I don’t know what to tell you. I feel what I feel you know? You don’t own my heart.

What’s worse is that it’s all sensitive patient information. Honestly, I would’ve rather my car get stolen and not all of my hard work. My agendas, my to-do’s, my corporate work, my pendings, my meeting-preps… I can’t even begin to tell you how devastating this is for my job. These files and notebooks are irreplaceable. And that douchebag probably threw it out of a window or into a garbage somewhere once he realized there was nothing of value.

But I beg to differ. My work ethic is priceless to me. It is everything to me. TAKE MY CAR BUT GIVE ME MY PRIDE BACK!


there went any hopes and dreams for “giddy” posting. Just like that. Tossed away like my work was. Maybe I’ll get my giddy-back in a few days but not today. Today I mourn the loss of any kind of chance of ever “catching up” at work. This was the last thing I needed right now.

And to the file-stealing-bandit? I hope you tossed my paperwork right out of your car window and it landed right back on your front windshield, blocking all visibility and leading you over a CLIFF. Somewhere. A cliff in Miami somewhere. Ok fine a bridge? A small one. I mean you don’t need to die. I’m willing to compromise…like maybe you broke an arm. Maybe a leg? Help me help you! Which body part? Because you suck at being a human being. And because karma.

Until I get my giddy back,


22 thoughts on “The Giddy Thief”

  1. This post was one hell of a trip. Who in the actual hell would steal an empty laptop bag? I mean, is there a black market out there that I don’t know about. Despite the obstacles, you have maintained your sense of humor and made me laugh this morning, so there is that. I hope that this week is a good one for you!


  2. This was one hell of a rollercoaster. I can totally understand why you’ll be needing some time to grieve it out. It’s so good to hear that someone did something nice for you in the end by returning the planner. Girl, what can I say? Hang in there. I wish we could hold that guy down and punch him in the face. On a different note, you’re an incredibly hard worker and everyone at your job knows that and respects you for it. Don’t let him take your pride too. Sending you love.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What a fucking asshole. How do you pick up a laptop case and not realize there’s not a laptop in it? Even if it was a lot of paperwork that it weighed as much as a laptop, it’s still PAPER. There’s a different heft-feel to it. I mean, really. That’s just bullshit.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s just spiteful. He was pissed off that there wasn’t anything of value in the car so he just took what was there. Like one time when I was a kid, someone broke into my mom’s car and tried to steal the stereo, but they couldn’t get it out. So, instead, they pulled the knobs off and took those. THE KNOBS. People are assholes.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Hope you get your giddy back soon…Tell Susan to shut the fuck up…In fact instead of telling her to go fly a kite ram that freaking kite down her throat so she has to shut the fuck up!!
    Sorry about your work, I believe in Karma, I think that your laptop bag thief actually has a severe case of the poops and has been sitting on a toilet for 2 days and unfortunately there is NO toilet paper because the thief has such disrespect for Paper Karma took it away from (it)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha!!! I can totally appreciate all of that scenario actually playing out for this douchebag! Thanks for putting those poop-vibes out into the Universe for me! And LMFAO about Susan. What a little pest! lol 😂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I thought the poop and run was the only crime in this post and then the car robbery! Whaaaaaat?? You lead me down many paths in this post thinking, “Alright, it’s fine” and then you hit me with the upper cut to the jaw and a kick to the shins (just to be sure) when you said all your things were in that laptop bag. Hopefully that guys car slipped on a banana peel and spun out or something. Hope things get better!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lmfaooo!!! I hope you heal quickly my friend!! UPDATE. You wouldn’t BELIEVE!!! Someone apparently found my planner thrown somewhere and there was a bill in it with my address. They left it at my door step in good condition with SOME Of my work. My faith in humanity is SLIGHTLY restored! Hallelujah!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. SWOB IT FOR FINGERPRINTS! Or do some tv detective analysis on it. Infrared light or whatever! ASK IT who took it! Ok I’m getting carried away but this is good! I’m shocked, but this is good!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lol! I’m interrogating it TONIGHT! Done deal. I’ll slowly rip a few pages as a means of torture- that should do it. TELL ME!!! Tell me NOW!!!! I swear I will rip all of January out One by ONE!! Ok. Yea. Bye. 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

        Liked by 1 person

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