Witty Rants

Monday Mourning Mid-Traffic Rants: Throwin’ Shade

Yes. You read that correctly. Monday mornings are for mourning. And YES Susan this is a mid-traffic rant. Go ahead. Let it out girl.

No. No This is not the same thing as texting and driving, so please do actually spare me your safe-driving melodramatic lectures about how people can die. First of all, everyone dies. Some not soon enough. That was for you Susan. And it was a joke. Ok secondly, I’m stuck in traffic and when I do move, it’s at a whopping 4 MPH. Ain’t nobody dying under these pathetic conditions. Lastly, (ok this feels like a fourth grade essay now) I have keen peripheral vision and a gut that never fails me. I’m a pro at this shit. I can sense everything around me. I’m a fucking wizard witch fox ninja baking mom beast. I got this. Also I’ve been driving in Miami traffic since before I lost my virginity. Ok that was a lie. But I won’t tell you at what age I started driving because then you’d know too much intimate stuff about me. Look I know what I’m doing. Crawl back to into your slut-cave Susan.

Also- if I happen to die while blogging a rant, I want the world to know that I did not die doing what I love. Don’t say that shit it’s tacky and overdone. The only fatal scenario that would justify a passionate death would be choking on tacos and landing face first into a bowl of guac. Ok thanks.

So I’m listening to my fave morning show on the radio and they’re ranting about people who wear sunglasses. Oh how I love shades! Give me all the shades! Take the children! Leave my shades!!! And some uptight lady who clearly didn’t get any last night was all like

“OMG and people who leave their sunglasses on while you’re having a conversation with them are SO RUDE!!!”

Please hold while I walk into a Starbucks restroom and remove my earrings and sandals, and throw my hair up into a gangsta ballerina bun. It’s on now, bitch.

Lookie here Boo-Boo-Kitten. My shades are my protectors. They block all the sunny sunshine and all the evil eye and all levels of UV haterism from penetrating my soul.

Please hold. At the drive-thru ordering my coffee boss-bitch-fuel.

Ok. Back to the business of shade.

Honey, if I’m wearing my shades while you’re trying to carry some kind of conversation with me about anything other than phenomenal sex or the latest “under cover” flavor trends at Starbucks or alien abductions and parallel universes- chances are I don’t give a fuck. Seriously. I really don’t. I don’t give a shit that your 3 year old went potty for the first time or how you got a promotion at work. I don’t give a damn about your 376$ highlights or about your trip to a farm that sells succulents (ok but I’m obsessed with succulents and cacti and I do low-key wanna know all about them and I’m jealous I haven’t been able to go but maybe just not today? Let’s talk later. Text me girl!)

Let’s be real here. I may wear shades but there’s nothing shady about my honesty. The truth is, If I’m wearing my shades it means I have something to hide and I probably don’t trust you enough to share it with you. Like bags under my eyes because I haven’t slept in 3 years and I didn’t have time to bury them beneath an entire tin of concealer I couldn’t even afford to begin with. Or like evidence of having been crying. And the thing is, my eyes would be beet-red and then you’d feel sorry for me without even knowing if I was crying because I was craving chips and dip or because my soul was wounded. I don’t deal well with fake sympathy. Or like I just woke up in the wrong side of the bed and I literally just don’t want to carry a fucking conversation and my eyes tell ALL girl like you can read my feelings and thoughts via my super obvious body language and my awful inability to keep my eyebrows from scrunching in and up in all directions. It’s an involuntary anatomical response to humans and bullshit. To bullshit humans.

So if you ask me, my shades aren’t only protecting me but also, you and your sheep-sensitive little feelings from being damaged as a result of my zero-fucks vibes.

Like I’m looking out for you so don’t throw all that shade at my shades unless you know what the story is behind them.

LONG LIVE THE SHADES!!!

16 thoughts on “Monday Mourning Mid-Traffic Rants: Throwin’ Shade”

  1. I love you so much. Love. I’m sure I’ve pissed off plenty of people with my shade wearing, but damn it, sometimes I’d just rather keep a wall up. All of your reasons are spot on, including not wanting to hear about the potty training. I don’t need everyone staring into my soul willy nilly!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m blind as a bat without my glasses and can’t afford both my standard prescription and prescription sunglasses, so I’ve gone without shades for about a decade, now. But, when I was still young enough to have my parents’ vision insurance I had prescription sunglasses and I wore those things EVERYWHERE.

    But here’s the thing: I was that douche walking around Target in my sunglasses (if you wear your shades indoors people apparently thing you’re the fucking devil), because **it didn’t even occur to me to take them off.** And I’d bet most of the time whoever is talking to you with their sunglasses on isn’t intentionally trying to be a dick, they probably just forgot they were wearing them because you get used to having them on!

    Of course, I’m sure that caller’s friends all do it intentionally, so she can’t see them rolling their eyes at her inanity.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lmfao!! Yes it seems to be that they’re not socially acceptable indoors. Who MAKES these rules??! Geez! I’m sorry you’re blind as a bat now 😦 do you wear the transition lenses where they’re kind of like 2 in 1?! I wear prescription as well. So I just use my contact lenses when out and about and need to hide my soul lol.

      And YES I literally DO sometimes forget I have them on! Usually my hubby will be like “is it real sunny in here? In Publix?” And I’m like, shit. My bad lol. They’re just a part of me. Ugh! Thanks for understanding!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t have the transition lenses. They’re more expensive and I’ve tried them (my ex had them). They don’t get dark enough to make any difference to me, so it wasn’t worth the cost. I can’t use contacts because just the thought of putting something onto my actual eyeball makes me cringe lol!

        Like

  3. 1. How long were you stuck in traffic??
    2. Have you ever called in to those morning shows? I feel like you should. You could be a morning regular and have a segment called “Ely-ve Me Alone” ahahahah

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Okay so I need to know….Please tell me who the fuck Susan is?
    Is this your inner bitch? Because if so that is funny as fuck because Susan was my outer bitch!!
    Oan I loved your Monday morning let me get this the fuck of my chest blog post πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lmfao!!! Haaaaa! MEET SUSAN: my alter ego. Lol my “inner voice” that I’m constantly arguing with because I’m hard headed. She thinks I should NOT have that pizza and isn’t afraid to tell me I’m fat. That’s when I tell her to go fuck herself and eat 3 slices instead of 1. She’s the light and the dark LOL πŸ˜‚ She wants to save all the cats and I want them ALL abducted by aliens for cruel and unusual experimenting. (Did I say that out loud?! …shit) Susan sees the wrong in all the wrong and I see the right in all the wrong. We don’t get along most of the time 🀣

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I find that so funny your call your inner bitch Susan particularly since that is a name I cast off!! My Inner bitch is just that my IB but it would be interesting to name her!!
        We ALL have an IB just most people wont admit to talking (arguing) with the voice in their head!!

        Liked by 1 person

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