Witty Rants

The Book Of Ely

I’m a stubborn bitch person woman bitchalways go with your first instincts, boys and girls and never delete your first multiple choice answers on exams and when in doubt always choose “C”- ok. Let’s try this again.

…With the delusional exception of winning a multi-million dollar lottery that I’ve never even purchased a ticket for to begin with-because let’s be fucking real here…I need my pennies. And while “scared money don’t make money” you know what fuck your quotes they’re estupido! I don’t spend money on lottery tickets. It’s not my thing. And I don’t have to explain myself. Also? If the universe wanted me to win the damn lottery it would just say so. I mean…stop beating around the galactic-bush, Universe. Say what you want and I shall receive. Amiright?!

And per my usual fuckeries I have no idea how any of that lottery jibberish snuck its way onto this post. I’m thinking from now on I’ll have “fuckery try-outs” and this way I can ensure that only the fuckeriest of all the fuckeries in all the lands of fuckeries will earn righteous spots within this blog-o-fuckeries. There will be a robust, throat-scratching “LET THE FUCKERIES BEGINNNN” followed by a deafening horn. And then it’s on like Donkey Kong! It will be MAD I tell you! MAD! Bwahahaha!!

Ok you’re all walking away slowly, hold on hold on I’m just kidding :::eye twitch:::shoulder twitch:::saliva-dripping smile::::

Ok let’s try this one more time.

So with the exception of falsely convincing myself that I’ll be a millionaire without any effort “some day”, and with all the pre-post fuckeries set aside: I’m a stubborn bitch.

Sometimes that’s a good thing but all of the time, it’s goal-suicide because I’m constantly overwhelming myself with wanting everything. I want what I want and I want it now or never at all and I’ll never EVER change my mind about it once I’ve made up my mind about it and once I have a vision- I’m on a mission. Chica-chica-whaaaattt?! Bars for DAYS, yo!

[Side rant: I just learned what “bars” are and they’re “rap lines” or something and I’ve been dying to sneak that urban-goodness into my daily vocab somehow so yea. Boo-yah. Do kids still say that? BOO-YAH? Or yaw? Is it Boo-YAW? BOO-YA’LL? Oh I like that! BOO-YA’LL! I don’t know that’s just how I picture a cowboy saying it after he ropes a bull in a rodeo. I know. I can’t undo this. I mean I can, technically. But I won’t. These things just need to be said. Also, I’ve never been to a rodeo. It’s horse shit. No seriously. I can’t stomach the stench.]

Ok I’ve been avoiding the serious stuff so look. I’ve been inconsistent with my writing and it’s bothering me, like really bothering me. But behind the scenes, shit is crazy. The truth is that I’ve been MAKING MONEY MOVES like Cardi B. Except there’s no money yet. And I’m not an ex-stripper. Or a rapper. And my vagina doesn’t get butterflies like hers does, apparently. And also, I don’t pay my momma’s bills (I swear Cardi if you say that shit ONE more time…) But since the beginning of 2018 I made some solid, promising, decision-making and I’m happy to report, things are coming along slowly but surely. I’m overwhelmed to the point of psychosis, but nevertheless, I’m persisting. After 2.5 years of being a consistent, determined as hell, self-taught baking-thug and cake-hustler, I’m seeing a bright FUTURE for Oh My Sugar!

Here’s what’s been happening:

  • I’ve partnered with a friend who is the exact opposite of me. In other words, she has her shit together. She’s a wedding coordinator on the side and now we can offer coordinating and party planning via Oh My Sugar! She’s also my marketing queen and my financial organizer. That means inventory, profit and loss analysis, spreadsheets, consistent pricing and just overall everything I SUCK AT because I’m just a petty artist with a passion and I wanna design fucking cake and keep my head above water. I’m so grateful for her, seriously. This is big.
  • I’ve expanded my menu options and moved towards offering more creative sweets like cake pops, royal icing cookies, and everything a dessert table or candy station could possibly dream of!
  • With that said, I’ve been taking classes and learning from the best of the best and getting my knowledge on because these things are NOT as simple as anyone could ever imagine. Like I could bake and design a 10 tier fucking cake but give me a simple cake pop order and they’re falling apart all over my damn kitchen, forcing me to the nearest corner and there I am…in fetal position shivering, shaking, and praying for mercy from the baking Gods. Don’t even get me started on the fact that a batch of custom ordered sugar cookies could take more than a WEEEK to complete from start to finish. WHAT THE FUUUUUUHHHH? So if you don’t like my prices take yo ass to Walmart Susan!
  • We rebranded the logo and feel of Oh My Sugar! to appeal to a “higher end” audience and opened a website which is under construction. I’m so excited to finish it and share it all!! But it’s so much work. And I still work full time and still have kids and so much more to take care of! It will have a cake blog, simple tutorials and recipes, a flavor menu, a gallery, and a STORE where I can sell passive-aggressive cake toppers because I just have so MANY ideas! This is excitinggggg! Sample topper: FUCK YOU, FEED ME CAKE. That’s copy-written. I have a Patton on it so back off.
  • As far as designing goes I’m definitely stepping out of the box and out of my comfort zone and just going for it and expressing myself and letting go. I’m going to pour my glittery shattered soul into this art and people will eat it and they will poop pieces of my glittery shattered soul. YUMMM!

Ultimately, I’m on full force dream-attack beast-mode and there’s really no looking back. I think I already made certain decisions without needing to verbally confirm that I’ve made them. Like deep inside I know where this is headed and it’s time. There’s no room for fear and there’s no room for doubt.

This is happening.

Not today or tomorrow or next month. But it’s happening. The plan is in motion and there’s too much momentum for anything to stop it.

With ALL that said, the fact that I haven’t been able to write due to all of the above insanity has been HEAVILY weighing me down. Writing is my only non-hustle right now as in, there are no monetary gains from this blog but it’s what truly matters to me most and I just fall apart when I can’t find the time to write wrant. It’s like my soul overflows with so much emotion and so many things to say and so many ideas and topics and thoughts that my cup spills and the fragile glass that is me shatters and then there’s this immense fucking lake of everything I can’t hold inside of me anymore and I’m drowning inside of myself and the shards of glass are penetrating my heart and just ugh it’s a bloody mess I’m telling you.

Wow that felt good to say.

So I’m back and ready to write and I’ve implemented some organizational skills that are gonna help me with consistency and keeping my glass from overflowing and shattering and cutting me and drowning me again.

I’m forever SO extra. Wow.

I love you all!!!! The fox is just getting started!

8 thoughts on “The Book Of Ely”

  1. Hahaha I don’t know what those first few paragraphs were, but it was so great to read them! You haven’t missed a beat. If anything, you’ve added a few more beats lol. This cake business sounds awesome! I’m glad you’re going after it and looking to become the Cake Queen of the World (possibly?). Anyways, welcome back! The Book of Ely is a best seller. Alright, that was cheesy. Bye.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOl the Chef Paulo specialty is CHEESEEEE for the night ladies and gents!!! Also. I have zero idea what those first few paragraphs were either but that’s what was inside my and it leaked and then STUFF happened lol. My blog needs a diaper. It suffers from verbal-incontinence. Ugh!! Lol so much CHEEESE!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The specialty actually is cheese haha (check instagram). I’m liking this diaper for a blog idea. We can’t be here 24/7 to care of it. It either gets potty trained or….where the hell am I going with this?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re so talented Ely, and I’m glad to hear you making moves. I totally dig the idea of bringing your sarcasm to the cake world. There’re enough sweets in the cake; people are going to love something different! I can see you jotting down all kinds of sassy, hilarious remarks in your Book of Ely, ready for the right owner to top their cake with. May I recommend the book Real Artists Don’t Starve by Jeff Goins? If I know anyone needing a cake, I’ll be sending them your way sugar.

    I don’t know how I had missed your last couple of posts, but I was dying!

    Liked by 1 person

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