Humor, Letters, Witty Rants

Little Letters To Astronomical Assholes: SuperCunt Stylist

Dearest SuperCunt Stylist;

You don’t know me. Not personally at least. We shared 15 minutes of mostly awkward time together and exchanged a few forced words that served to slay the dragon-sized silence that filled the space between us. But don’t you worry because I’m confident that by the end of this letter you will know me well. As a matter of fact, SuperCunt? We may even come out of this shitstorm as BFF. That or…. you’ll wish you would’ve never incompetently raised your scissors hair-exterminators to my head. Bitch.

But let’s take this slow SuperCunt. Let’s not get so barbaric (if you were a barber that would have been punbelievable).

Yes, I know. I know. That’s what Susan was saying earlier: “It’s a new year. Is this how you intend to approach 2018? With an incessantly bitchy letter to a random stranger who’s out there struggling to make a living in this cold, unfair world to maybe feed her maybe hungry children who were maybe abandoned by their father?” Well the answer is yes. Yes, Susan. Yes, SuperCunt. YES, world. FUCK YES, almighty energies of the universe.

And SuperCunt? (I crack myself up LOL) You’ll have to excuse my borderline rude-ish name-calling, but I don’t know your name so I simply gathered the facts and pieced them together using what little common sense I have:

1- you’re a hair stylist

2- who happens to work at a nearby SuperCuts and

3- you’re unequivocally- a dumb cunt.

And 1+1=2 right?! And for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction right? And like, what goes up must come down, isn’t that right? So clearly….the answer is SuperCunt. Listen girl, I don’t make the rules nor do I have the power to bend the laws of nature. I’m just here for the rant.

Ok. I feel like I’m losing you here, S.C. (can I just call you S.C. for short? I’m trying to save myself on the word count here) so let’s just get right to the shady business of the events which led up to the baffling, mind-fucked moment where I’m facing my reflection in my vanity mirror, in a state of panicky rage, with a pair of paper-cutting scissors in one hand, and a bunch of my own fucking hair…. in the other.

But in order to get to that moment there are a few things you need to know about the person that I am. You see, S.C. I’m a woman who knows what she wants, when she wants it. And by this I mean, that I’m an impulsive sack of bad-decision-making who doesn’t give a shit about consequences nor overdrawn bank accounts. If I want it- it’s officially a need. A must. “NO” is gibberish in my life. Do you remember Veruca from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: “GIVE IT TO ME NOOWWWW”? Yea. She’s my spirit fictional-character. Bratty little shit…but man is she a boss or what?! Oh dear, I’m losing you again. Ok. So with the holidays having been near and with the ends of my hair feeling like scare-crow pubes (ok I’ll admit that was excessive), I wanted a fresh trim, like PRONTO.

Which brings us to the other thing about me: I loathe hair salons with a passion so intense that I cannot put the loathe-passion into words that would do it justice. Literally, I have to hit rock-bottom on the quality-of-my-hair-spectrum in order for me to walk into a dreaded fucking salon. So obviously, I don’t have a “hair lady” whom I trust and love and share my life stories with. I have zero interest in those kinds of routine forced interactions. I also don’t want a bunch of random bitches gossiping around me and making random eye contact with me in oversized mirrors while I look like a sad, stray wet dog in a fucking black cape. Which is why I literally go to the least popular, emptiest, random places I can find. For fuck’s sake it’s just my ends. I figure ANY licensed hair stylist is capable of decently trimming my ends.

And so I ended up at SuperCuts- a more commercialized chain that’s been around forever but that no one ever goes to (how is this place even still around?!)

I can’t possibly go wrong, I said to myself. It will be fine, I said to myself. This has to happen, now… I said to myself. I mean I didn’t want anything fancy or complex. I didn’t ask for layers. Or a bob. “JUST AN INCH OR TWO OFF THE ENDS TO GET RID OF THE BAD STUFF. Don’t even wash it or blow dry it. Just spray it with some water and cut it. I’ll dry it at home. THIS HAIR IS DEPRESSING ME and I have to get home to cook dinner.”

That’s what I said to you, S.C. Those were the simple demands of a simple mom needing a quick, simple change so that she can deal with the rest of her complicated as fuck life.

But that was just too difficult for you wasn’t it S.C.?

Clearly.

Considering that I got home and discovered a large chunk of hair that was somehow left completely uncut and hanging down to my shoulders. How I didn’t notice it before you ask?! Well you kind of just left my hair to air dry and curl up and so it all blended the fuck in! Not to mention, you chopped the rest of my hair way shorter than what “just the tips” means.

The too-short stuff I can deal with. It happens. It will grow. What fucking tipped me over the edge was the hair-tail you left on my head which I had zero choice but to eyeball and chop off my damn self because of course, you were already all closed up and of course, I had things to do the next morning. Like- go to work.

So there I stood. Facing my reflection with a random ass pair of purple scissors that had never touched hair before, ready to fuck my hair up even further. I didn’t breathe. I didn’t blink. I just did it.

And I’m sure no one can tell.

BUT I KNOW, SUPERCUNT. And I just wanted to say: fuck you. Do you know how long it takes my sorry ass hair to grow out?!

I hope your next client gives you head-lice. The super gigantic evolutionary kind. You deserve them all. Also- no wonder you’re probably single and struggling. You’re a total idiot.

Not-so-anonymously yours,

The Fox.

26 thoughts on “Little Letters To Astronomical Assholes: SuperCunt Stylist”

  1. Oh noooo! What a nightmare.

    How did s.c. manage to fail that much!? And will you be heading back there to complain? Or get your yelp review on (maybe without all the swearing so it doesn’t get flagged!?)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. YES!!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD BALLS! I have my sister cut my hair, because it doesn’t matter if I am paying 10 dollars or 280 dollars ( yea, once, worst haircut ever) I always come out so angry! SO ANGRY! I got a pedicure a couple weeks ago, and the way she shaped my nails was appalling, she left all this jagged pieces and I was like ” I HATE YOU, MAY YOU NEVER FIND LOVE OR BEAR CHILDREN!” …ok, I didn’t say that, but I felt it. Happy New year baby, may your hair grow fast!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Why are people so fucking stupid! Lmao. Don’t even get me started on pedicures and manicures OH MY GOD!!!! I have such a good one for those that I’m working up. Awful! I have the worst luck ever girl. And I also would never say these things out loud. Therefore, I blog them lol. Happy new year to you boo-boo! Thank you! From your mouth to my follicles!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hahaha when I read the title I thought to myself, “Did she just make a SuperCuts pun? Nahhh.” And then a couple of paragraphs in you confirmed that you did ahaha. New year, same wavelength, different hair length (apparently?). This sounded traumatic and I’m sorry. But i was also hilarious? Maybe you should go back to the salon with your own scissors and be like “My turn. Get in the chair. I SAID GET IN THE CHAIR!” No, don’t do that. I’ve only had 3 people cut my hair in 26 years. I don’t trust randoms and this is why haha even though a man’s haircut is quite simple.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ I laughed out loud. Lol! Seriously. Such a ridiculous fail! Honestly it’s not that short or that bad because I fixed it but it was sure worth the rant because I felt like I could DIE when I realized what she can done! Lol! So insane. I wish I could find that “person” until then, I think I’m better off having my 8 year old cut my hair!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh that would be fantastic!! They can use a ruler and safety scissors. Just bring the whole pencil case out. I look forward to that blog post. “I Got a Haircut at Super 8” hahaha

        Like

  4. Firstly, happy new year gorgeous xxx
    Secondly, omfg how can hair dressers all around the world be so batshit incompetent?! This is why I cut my own hair, because at least then if I fuck it up at least *I* have fucked it up, y’know?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I totally get you LOL! I’m
      Not typically brave enough to cut anything more than my own bangs but I had no choice! This lady was no joke. Total moron. I feel totally stupid! Lol. Happy new year to you to gorgeous!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hahahahahhahahahhaha… I don’t mean to laugh at your misfortune…actually I do… it’s funny as hell…!!! Lol… i can definitely relate… I went to a barber once and that was the only time ever…๐Ÿ™ˆ

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You know what I love about your blog? There are always so many things I’m dying to comment on, but my brain can’t hold all that and by the time I get to the end, I’m just left with the remembrance of having laughed so hard and being so impressed with your awesomeness.

    I had one bitch chop off all my hair when I asked for a bare minimum trim and I didn’t notice until the next morning when the curls she gave me dropped. It was winter in New Jersey. I never saw her again. She’s a hateful bitch. (That felt better.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOl aw my friend. Thank you so much! I know I’m a lot to “take in” lol I’m all over the place but that’s what life is about sometimes right?!?! Lol! Seems like we maybe had the same hair lady that skank is probably moving around with fake ID cards just maliciously chopping bitches’ hairs off like she looking for some kind of revenge lol. I can’t deal.

      Like

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