Brace yo-selves. It’s almost 20-18.
And you know what that means. Sigh. Yes ya’ll. It means all shape and form of social media will overfloweth with unimpressive, cliché AF, “New year NEW ME” resolution-fuckeries. 99.999999999% of which? Are all?…(ding ding DING!!) fitness goals.
Mind you, bitches were just shoving bottomless plates of pork, rice, beans, buttery breads, and custards down their throats (food whores) but oh no, come NYE and those same pork-chuggin’ thots are all whining about how “it’s not a diet….it’s a lifestyle change guys!” And then the dieting wars and the skinny-shitshows go downhill from there and honestly?
I. [clap] CALL. [clap] BULLSHIT. [clap]
Please just STOP. I’m sooooo over the New Year memes that will inevitably flood my phone with yapping about bettering yourselves and how easy achieving competitive bikini bods can be if you just put your mind to it haaa! Too many goal-diggers and not enough shovels ya’ll. Like why are you so hard on yourselves? Why do you insist on following these overrated traditions that only make you feel worse than what you already did the moment you made up your mind to make such insane changes in such irrational amounts of time. You’re clawing into rock with your nails and I don’t even feel bad for you anymore because it’s obvious you were unprepared for the task. It bothers me.
I know what you’re thinking:
“IT’S NONE OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS.”
“UNFOLLOW ME, YOU CUNTSAC.”
“WHY I NEVER…WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!”
Totally fair. I’m a civilized semi-adult. So listen here Susan. If you wanna look like a fucking fool in 2 weeks tops, once everyone on your Instagram account notices (because believe me. we totally WILL fucking notice) that you fell off the wagon AGAIN? Hey. By all means. GO FOR IT. Honestly? I don’t give a hovering shit about your diet boo-boo. I have PLENTY of my own unsexy cellulite-related issues to deal with. Like I have my very own underarm-jiggle crisis to attend to at the moment so your so called “get fit or die trying goals”-failed or not-really don’t affect my life. I’m just saying- I’m not hating on you, nor am I rooting for you to suck in 2018 but I just wish you’d shut the fuck up and not flood social media with your newfound ambitions to be a swimsuit model at the age of 36 after 5 children and some failed fat-transfer procedures.
Can I just unfollow you if it bothers me that much? Yes. YES I can Susan. But then I’d be the smaller person. And I’m a big person. And in this case, it’s better to be the bigger person. In any other case- I’d say fuck you I want to be the smaller person. But you’re missing the point here. Instead of being a childish cuntasaurus and unfollowing you, I figured I’d just bash you and your :::cough::::BULLSHIT:::cough::: goals here. In a blog. Publicly. Because why? Because I don’t give a fox. Give me a break that’s what my fucking BRAND is so why are we all so shocked?!
Anyways, in summary, here’s what happens on/around Dec 31- Mid February:
What the pork-chuggin’ thot says in her captions: ” Grabbing 2018 by the balls! I have goals! Putting in that work! Let me show you how to eat clean! Here’s a picture of my first ever super healthy lunch!”
The Fox’s thoughts that mock the pork-chuggin’ thot’s caption: Because it’s day 0.65 and I’m already an expert vegan and a fitness guru! Look at me! LOOK AT ME DAMN IT! Also, I’m an Herbalife coach!And don’t you worry I won’t show you the entire pint of chocolate ice cream I’ll be shoveling down my neck tonight while I binge watch Grey’s Anatomy because I’m fucking starving and fuck this diet already but I already posted this shit up on social media so I can’t just take it all back now I mean I have things to prove to random strangers here, duh!
Porkie the Thot: “Start today and tomorrow will thank you!”
The Fox: If anything though, there’s ALWAYS Monday! Or NEXT YEAR! Or never! Because I failed before I ever started and if I can do it so can you girlfriend!
Thot: “OH NOOO leg day AGAIN?! Oh well! no pain no gain!”
Fox: Just kidding, this is my first time ever even doing a squat which I had to YouTube anyways because I wasn’t even sure I knew what on earth that shit was! And 3. I got 3 done. Is my ass HUGE yet?! Totally! Look at this thing! #miracletransformation
See Thot Talk: “Here’s a gym selfie!”
See Fox Mock Thot: with perfect hair and flawless makeup! Because if these assholes think I’m about to ruin all of this work with sweat they’ve got me fucked up. Hmmm. Maybe if I just spend 10 minutes in a bathroom stall and then quickly walk back out of here no one will notice how long I’ve been here for. Whatever. I got my selfie in though. Hehe! ::hair flip::
See fox choke pork chuggin’ thot with sock full of rocks.
Ok. That was a little much. It’s not that serious. But seriously? Get real.
Also. I might as well just put this out there: IF SANTA PURCHASED YOUR TITS AND A NEW ASS. WE. NOTICED. So to even try to suddenly flood your feed with pictures of yourself lifting heavy or doing some bullshit ass-lifting workouts and being all high and mighty like #werk #gainz and all that ridiculousness- is just purely disrespectful and pathetic. I’m offended as fuck. Bitches be acting like they’ve been secretly hitting the gym up forever and just never posted it up because “I post things on a need to know basis”. No bitch you do not. Like we know you’re entire life so don’t try to play us with taking credit for “werking” for that out-of-Oz new bod. That shit was purchased. Does it mean it’s fake? Nope. It’s YOURS girlfriend like you paid for it, it’s yours. But don’t sit there and be dishonest about it and tell the rest of us hopeless ones out here that we can do this if we put in the work. Because we can’t. We have to put our banks to it. And then really think about it- once there’s that kind of investment, who the fuck WOULDN’T wanna hit the gym everyday. Obviously! You’re already motivated and ready to slay! You’re already THERE. You can officially walk into a gym and be that chick that gives the moms trying to get fit naturally a reason to never wanna go back. Seriously? Fuck you.
Do I not have fitness goals you ask? Do I not want to look like a fucking Kardashian from the waist down? Do I not want to tone up and look and feel my BEST? Well obviously. I’m getting married in June. ON AN ISLAND. So fuck you YES I have goals but right now, I’m taking the realistic baby steps required to avoid crashing and failing myself again.
Being realistic and pacing a lifestyle change for me, means:
- Drinking 8 cups of water to start per day
- Taking my vitamins consistently
- Doing 30 minutes of interval training/cardio 2-3 times per week to start
- Getting into a fucking consistent routine which means figuring out what time of day works best for me to put in my 30 minutes
- Replacing rice/breads to start
- Stopping all carbonated drinks slowly
- Not weakening up to diet fads and pills
- Carrying healthy snacks around to keep myself uninterested in fast foods
The truth is?
Ive been dangerously struggling with body image issues and eating disorders for as long as I can remember. I was raised by a woman who allowed men to dominate the entirety of her being. I saw her, leaning over porcelain seats, forcing food out of her throat more times than she would ever even know because she was more worried about hating her body than teaching her daughter to love her own. And I’m not fucking taking that back I don’t give a damn WHO reads this.
I grew up watching her accept unfathomable levels of mental, emotional and physical abuse from men and I watched her hate herself and the way she looked so badly, that she would have rather been dead than with her children, who by the way, desperately needed her to exist.
Am I blaming her for who I became or for whatever fucked up choices I’ve made? Absolutely not. But it affected who I am today. Absolutely.
I’m just saying, who knows what I’m saying anymore- that I have goals too ya’ll. But if you’re gonna talk the talk, you need to walk the walk. Be realistic. Pace yourself. Take it one day at time. And start YESTERDAY not on fucking January 1st. Don’t limit yourselves to MONDAYS or a NEW YEAR for fuck’s sake. If you want something, go get it. NOW.
Be like Nike and JUST DO IT. And stop feeling like you have something to prove to us, the rest of the world who doesn’t even give a shit what you look like to begin with.
PS: for all the not-that-with-it ones out there, THOT= “that hoe over there”