Deep Into The Foxhole, Witty Rants

New Year, Same Fuckeries

Brace yo-selves. It’s almost 20-18.

And you know what that means. Sigh. Yes ya’ll. It means all shape and form of social media will overfloweth with unimpressive, clichΓ© AF, “New year NEW ME” resolution-fuckeries. 99.999999999% of which? Are all?…(ding ding DING!!) fitness goals.

Mind you, bitches were just shoving bottomless plates of pork, rice, beans, buttery breads, and custards down their throats (food whores) but oh no, come NYE and those same pork-chuggin’ thots are all whining about how “it’s not a diet….it’s a lifestyle change guys!” And then the dieting wars and the skinny-shitshows go downhill from there and honestly?

I. [clap] CALL. [clap] BULLSHIT. [clap]

Please just STOP. I’m sooooo over the New Year memes that will inevitably flood my phone with yapping about bettering yourselves and how easy achieving competitive bikini bods can be if you just put your mind to it haaa! Too many goal-diggers and not enough shovels ya’ll. Like why are you so hard on yourselves? Why do you insist on following these overrated traditions that only make you feel worse than what you already did the moment you made up your mind to make such insane changes in such irrational amounts of time. You’re clawing into rock with your nails and I don’t even feel bad for you anymore because it’s obvious you were unprepared for the task. It bothers me.

I know what you’re thinking:

“IT’S NONE OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS.”

“UNFOLLOW ME, YOU CUNTSAC.”

“WHY I NEVER…WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!”

Totally fair. I’m a civilized semi-adult. So listen here Susan. If you wanna look like a fucking fool in 2 weeks tops, once everyone on your Instagram account notices (because believe me. we totally WILL fucking notice) that you fell off the wagon AGAIN? Hey. By all means. GO FOR IT. Honestly? I don’t give a hovering shit about your diet boo-boo. I have PLENTY of my own unsexy cellulite-related issues to deal with. Like I have my very own underarm-jiggle crisis to attend to at the moment so your so called “get fit or die trying goals”-failed or not-really don’t affect my life. I’m just saying- I’m not hating on you, nor am I rooting for you to suck in 2018 but I just wish you’d shut the fuck up and not flood social media with your newfound ambitions to be a swimsuit model at the age of 36 after 5 children and some failed fat-transfer procedures.

Can I just unfollow you if it bothers me that much? Yes. YES I can Susan. But then I’d be the smaller person. And I’m a big person. And in this case, it’s better to be the bigger person. In any other case- I’d say fuck you I want to be the smaller person. But you’re missing the point here. Instead of being a childish cuntasaurus and unfollowing you, I figured I’d just bash you and your :::cough::::BULLSHIT:::cough::: goals here. In a blog. Publicly. Because why? Because I don’t give a fox. Give me a break that’s what my fucking BRAND is so why are we all so shocked?!

Anyways, in summary, here’s what happens on/around Dec 31- Mid February:

What the pork-chuggin’ thot says in her captions: ” Grabbing 2018 by the balls! I have goals! Putting in that work! Let me show you how to eat clean! Here’s a picture of my first ever super healthy lunch!”

The Fox’s thoughts that mock the pork-chuggin’ thot’s caption: Because it’s day 0.65 and I’m already an expert vegan and a fitness guru! Look at me! LOOK AT ME DAMN IT! Also, I’m an Herbalife coach!And don’t you worry I won’t show you the entire pint of chocolate ice cream I’ll be shoveling down my neck tonight while I binge watch Grey’s Anatomy because I’m fucking starving and fuck this diet already but I already posted this shit up on social media so I can’t just take it all back now I mean I have things to prove to random strangers here, duh!

Porkie the Thot: “Start today and tomorrow will thank you!”

The Fox: If anything though, there’s ALWAYS Monday! Or NEXT YEAR! Or never! Because I failed before I ever started and if I can do it so can you girlfriend!

Thot: “OH NOOO leg day AGAIN?! Oh well! no pain no gain!”

Fox: Just kidding, this is my first time ever even doing a squat which I had to YouTube anyways because I wasn’t even sure I knew what on earth that shit was! And 3. I got 3 done. Is my ass HUGE yet?! Totally! Look at this thing! #miracletransformation

See Thot Talk: “Here’s a gym selfie!”

See Fox Mock Thot: with perfect hair and flawless makeup! Because if these assholes think I’m about to ruin all of this work with sweat they’ve got me fucked up. Hmmm. Maybe if I just spend 10 minutes in a bathroom stall and then quickly walk back out of here no one will notice how long I’ve been here for. Whatever. I got my selfie in though. Hehe! ::hair flip::

See fox choke pork chuggin’ thot with sock full of rocks.

Ok. That was a little much. It’s not that serious. But seriously? Get real.

Also. I might as well just put this out there: IF SANTA PURCHASED YOUR TITS AND A NEW ASS. WE. NOTICED. So to even try to suddenly flood your feed with pictures of yourself lifting heavy or doing some bullshit ass-lifting workouts and being all high and mighty like #werk #gainz and all that ridiculousness- is just purely disrespectful and pathetic. I’m offended as fuck. Bitches be acting like they’ve been secretly hitting the gym up forever and just never posted it up because “I post things on a need to know basis”. No bitch you do not. Like we know you’re entire life so don’t try to play us with taking credit for “werking” for that out-of-Oz new bod. That shit was purchased. Does it mean it’s fake? Nope. It’s YOURS girlfriend like you paid for it, it’s yours. But don’t sit there and be dishonest about it and tell the rest of us hopeless ones out here that we can do this if we put in the work. Because we can’t. We have to put our banks to it. And then really think about it- once there’s that kind of investment, who the fuck WOULDN’T wanna hit the gym everyday. Obviously! You’re already motivated and ready to slay! You’re already THERE. You can officially walk into a gym and be that chick that gives the moms trying to get fit naturally a reason to never wanna go back. Seriously? Fuck you.

Do I not have fitness goals you ask? Do I not want to look like a fucking Kardashian from the waist down? Do I not want to tone up and look and feel my BEST? Well obviously. I’m getting married in June. ON AN ISLAND. So fuck you YES I have goals but right now, I’m taking the realistic baby steps required to avoid crashing and failing myself again.

Being realistic and pacing a lifestyle change for me, means:

  • Drinking 8 cups of water to start per day
  • Taking my vitamins consistently
  • Doing 30 minutes of interval training/cardio 2-3 times per week to start
  • Getting into a fucking consistent routine which means figuring out what time of day works best for me to put in my 30 minutes
  • Replacing rice/breads to start
  • Stopping all carbonated drinks slowly
  • Not weakening up to diet fads and pills
  • Carrying healthy snacks around to keep myself uninterested in fast foods

The truth is?

Ive been dangerously struggling with body image issues and eating disorders for as long as I can remember. I was raised by a woman who allowed men to dominate the entirety of her being. I saw her, leaning over porcelain seats, forcing food out of her throat more times than she would ever even know because she was more worried about hating her body than teaching her daughter to love her own. And I’m not fucking taking that back I don’t give a damn WHO reads this.

I grew up watching her accept unfathomable levels of mental, emotional and physical abuse from men and I watched her hate herself and the way she looked so badly, that she would have rather been dead than with her children, who by the way, desperately needed her to exist.

Am I blaming her for who I became or for whatever fucked up choices I’ve made? Absolutely not. But it affected who I am today. Absolutely.

I’m just saying, who knows what I’m saying anymore- that I have goals too ya’ll. But if you’re gonna talk the talk, you need to walk the walk. Be realistic. Pace yourself. Take it one day at time. And start YESTERDAY not on fucking January 1st. Don’t limit yourselves to MONDAYS or a NEW YEAR for fuck’s sake. If you want something, go get it. NOW.

Be like Nike and JUST DO IT. And stop feeling like you have something to prove to us, the rest of the world who doesn’t even give a shit what you look like to begin with.

Ugh.

PS: for all the not-that-with-it ones out there, THOT= “that hoe over there”

You’re welcome.

48 thoughts on “New Year, Same Fuckeries”

  1. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ omgggg… this made my dayπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ It’s just another empty tradition that people uphold for no reason…πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I guess it does something for the mind…? Donno…I don’t make resolutions but I enjoy reading about them…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You literally just explained one of my friends I had to give the boot to recently. Let’s just call her Susan. I couldn’t gag down another “I’m a new person, ya’ll. Check out my gluten/fat/sugar/joy-free lunch I’ll eat once, but I’m totally a changed woman and an expert on all things healthy lifestyle” faze. She was every annoying Instagram whore all wrapped up in one inspirational tank package. She also could never commit to being a friend, because she was too busy being obsessed by the latest craze that she’d over-post about. This post was HUGELY relatable and reminded me why I DON’T miss her…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LOL! Well. All SUSANS need that boot so can ya send it my way?! Seriously, the overly dramatized inspirational junk is just annoying and I feel like we are all always just WAITING for Susan to eat something fattening and bust her ass as she falls off that wagon head first. And we really don’t even MEAN to wait for it but she’s so obnoxious, we can’t help it! Some might confuse that with jealousy. I highly as fuck disagree. I think it’s just TACKY and hard to even watch sometimes lol. HAPPY HOLIDAYS MY FRIEND!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m getting married in August, so I feel your ‘baby steps.’ I’ve been eating salads for lunch every work day for the past 2 months and though I don’t hate it, I still would much rather be munching on some chicken nuggets. As for the water, I’ve been killing 72 oz a day all because I got myself a super cute water bottle. Hey, whatever works, right!?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I DO THE SAME THINGGGG. Like, pretty things motivate me! Lol! “I’ll start the gym after I get the badasss gym bag and spend 344$ on yoga pants and super cute motivational tank tops” “I’ll buy all these badass storage containers and thennnn I can meal prep like a PRO” hahah I totally get it!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes! Well near the hard rock a couple days a week (My main office is in Miami Beach) don’t know much about the area in Ft Laudy but I’ve been dying to check out the beaches over there! I haven’t been to the strip in over 12 years!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Wait, tell me more about this fat transfer procedure. Seriously though, this Susan person needs to be removed from your life. If you ever have an in-person falling out with her, call her a lazy Susan and then have someone spin her around. The crowd will go wild for it!

    I’m all for people making the decision to lose weight and be healthier. I have some blog friends who have turned into fitness professionals with their own brand and stuff and it’s really cool to see. And I don’t mind when they post a million pictures because that’s their passion, ya know? But when the New Year butter rolls around, there’s just a bunch of people who want to be complimented for 1 trip to the gym, or for 1 healthy meal, and that kinda bothers me. I’d rather they wait until March and say, “Hey this is what I’ve been doing for the last 3 months.” I don’t know. People can do what they want but your rant was 110% perfect. Each one gets better haha

    Liked by 2 people

    1. YESSS THATS MY POINT! Like do it, but don’t boast about it until you’re truly committed and you’ve seen changes that will impress us! I think popping up in march out of nowhere like BOOM check me out! I wasn’t just a NYE statistic! I beat the odds! I love that! I wish I’d see more of it! I don’t “not” respect people who are passionate about fitness at ALL I admire them for sure. But those one-healthy-meal-hit-wonders? Can someone press that red button that makes the floor beneath them open up into a gator pit please?! Ok bye! lol and SUSAN. Oh Susan is a part of me lol. She’s the equivalent of like when people hear you talk to yourself and then respond with “well as long as you don’t answer yourself too” well yea I answer myself. That’s my inner Susan. Arguments with myself. I should rename this blog “Discussions With Susan” LMFAO DAMN why didn’t I think of this before? πŸ˜‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You need to have a blog series committed to Susan like I do with Chef Paulo. First one could be “Losin’ Susan”. Next one could be “Susan SZN”. Next could be “Dr. Susan” like Dr. Seuss. Yeah? Yeah? No? Alright I’ll stop haha. I have some writing to do!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lol!!! I like the idea!! I can do like a late night talk show with Susan! Oh it could be inappropriate on SO MANY LEVELS!!! Or like “Late Night Sessions with Susan: Unsolicited advice for everyday problems” and then readers can submit their questions for Susan πŸ˜‚ omg I think you just started something here Paul

        Liked by 1 person

  5. COΓ‘O BRO, IMA START RIGHT NOW, OK!?. FUCK MAN… I BEEN TELLING DENNIS THAT IMA START AGAIN JAN 1ST 🀣 I HATE YOU.
    FAWK.
    (No seriously, ima start Monday cause my head hurts from reading your words) idc what you think of me…πŸ˜’ ps. I’m drinking 8 glasses of water daily ijs !

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Babe, babe, babe, you’ve got truth pouring out of you. We all want to see people succeed (although it does get super annoying when I can’t find a single open machine at the gym because there’s all of a sudden a swarm of new people) but the need for instant gratification is a plague on all our houses. I think some people assume that the more likes they get off a trip to the gym, the more motivated it’ll make them to continue. When it’s Taco Tuesday and your girls are waiting with tequila shots, them likes ain’t gonna be enough to go for. As you say, there’s no time like the present.

    On a different note, I think it took courage to open up about your struggle and childhood experience. It’s very impactful. You’re strong and committed and your past won’t define you. Also, you’re beautiful and my darling.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Aww thank you so much hun! It’s easy to talk about my past. It’s exactly that- the past! I’ve grown from all that so it’s important to me as a WHOLE person. And LOL have you SEEN the gym membership stats around the new year?! Jesssusss. And hot and when did Instagram start defining our ENTIRE lives huh?! Incredible. Thank you for being such a kind and inspiring soul. Xo!!!

      Like

  7. Also fat transfer is where surgeons suck fat out of unwanted areas (belly, arms, back, etc) and literally inject it right back into the buttocks. I’ve assisted in this in the operating room and it is AGGRESSIVE and gross lol. It’s called a mommy makeover. I’d say 76.6% of Miami women have this done lol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Was this comment for me? Hahah I feel like it was. It’s just here sitting by itself. This is what I figured it was but there was also a thought that they might transfer it to like a pickle jar and store it for a later date? This got gross in a hurry. kthnxbye

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I love this time of year, because I commit to worse than I did last year. I will eat more unhealthy, stop exercising even better and make sure Netflix remote controlling is my only form of movement this year. Of course, I will fail just like everyone else.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. β€œToo many goal diggers and not enough shovels.” Bahah. Preach! I have the opposite problem. I can’t gain weight to save my soul. I take 2 weeks off from the gym and my pants fall down. So, I #CantRelate – CAN relate to how obnoxious it is to see people fail over and over and overrr.
    Great post, as always!
    Ps. HOW exciting, marriage on an island! When/how did you get engaged? Are your kids going?! Swoon, I love/hate love.
    .xo.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lmao! I AM NOT AT ALLLL jealous of your difficult time keeping weight ON lol!!! You’re such a tiny thing. Seriously! I wish! Lol! I’m going to write a whole love story post soon. But yes in Punta Cana Dominican Republic. And ugh. We’ve been engaged for 10 years plusssss! But we held off for so many reasons! Financial, the fact that I refused to marry in a church. Wanting to buy our home first. The list goes on forever! And yes, actually- my 6 year old son is walking me down the aisle and giving me away to his daddy. I don’t have anyone else and who BETTER!? We will all spend 7 days there and my mother in law will thankfully be there to help with the kids πŸ™‚ I’ll keep you posted on the deets!!!

      Like

  10. “Mind you, bitches were just shoving bottomless plates of pork, rice, beans, buttery breads, and custards down their throats ”

    Think I’m in love.

    Your writing, I dig this shit, pretty lady. Your attitude is so on point and this may just be one of the most entertaining blogs I’ve read in the past few weeks.

    Liked by 1 person

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