Deep Into The Foxhole, Passion

Immortal

When I was a child and I couldn’t dare speak of the things that were happening in my home because I feared my brother and I would be taken away; because even though our parents were behaving recklessly, my instincts were to protect them by keeping secrets and playing pretend even if it meant physically feeling as if I would implode at any given time-

you saved me.

When I felt as if there would be no happy ending for my family; when I was convinced I’d wake up to a dead mother sooner than later and that my entire world would crumble over my head; when I couldn’t protect her from him; when I couldn’t protect him from himself; when I couldn’t protect my brother from the truth; when I felt like nothing could protect me because I was too busy trying to protect everyone else-

you saved me.

When I saw things that my eyes should have been shielded from; things that took my innocent, rainbow-smeared thoughts and replaced them with toxic, dark-clouded ones that would change me forever; things that my growing mind didn’t deserve to be poisoned with; things that could have ruined me entirely; things that almost led me towards all sorts of destructive paths in life-

you saved me.

When suddenly life wasn’t only a nightmare at home; when I was bullied and ridiculed by my peers for having crooked teeth and hairy legs; when my phone number was put up on public display as a cruel prank; when I was humiliated and made felt microscopically small and worth nothing more than a spec of dirt; when I felt so insecure that life began to feel worth the value of that same spec of dirt-

you saved me.

When I was repeatedly told that I would amount to nothing life; that everything bad was a result of my existence; that I was a slut because I had experienced my first kiss; that I was the devil; that I was a mistake; that I should kill myself-

you saved me.

When I blindly tripped and fell into the abyss of a love too foolishly deep for any teenager to ever be able to fathom or cope with and my heart was inevitably crushed beyond repair; when I was betrayed and cheated on so brutally that my soul felt as if it were being ripped apart by a billion tiny jagged shards of glass; when I was convinced that I could literally die the slow, tragic, torturous death of a broken heart-

you saved me.

When I lost what felt like everything at the time; when I had no one to turn to, to talk to, to lean on; when I felt like a complete, utter failure; when I lost all sense of hope; when I lost all faith; when I lost all reason; when I lost all strength; when I lost myself-

you saved me.

When I stopped eating; when I let myself go; when I consciously made myself sick because I despised my reflection every single time I confronted it; when I wanted my reflection to permanently disappear-

you saved me.

When I locked that bathroom door and left my will to live on the opposite side of it; when I waited for the tub to fill up to the rim with burning hot water as I clenched a knife in the sweaty palm of my right hand; when I was so weak and so exhausted by this world that scraped the remnants of my soul out of me and carelessly tossed my fleshly shell into a black, unforgivingly silent, freezing cold room…left there to rot in sadness; when I wanted to be done with this life because I had nothing left to give-

you saved me.

You saved me. Over. And over. And over again.

You were there. You listened. You understood. You set me free. You were my light.

Thank you, writing.

Thank you…secret diaries and journals and typewriters and notebooks and notepads and stickies and corners of old mail and napkins and word documents and blogs.

I will forever owe my life to you.

21 thoughts on “Immortal”

  1. This was so powerful and incredibly well written.
    I totally understand this post, if have had many of the same feelings and have often faced adversity with my writing behind me as my shield to protect me from all manner of things

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much!! I’m sure you also understand how hard it is for “other people” to relate to this. That struggle sometimes to the struggles, lol. This means so much. Writing is 100% THAT invisible force field that surrounds us while we are crying in fetal position in a corner somewhere. 😊 happiest of holidays Jad Babe!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I would have never known you endured any of this. You’re such an optimistic image. A bright light when I’m in a corner of darkness. I am so happy that writing saved you. That it’s still here for you. That I get to experience your ups & downs with you. I’m so glad I “met” you. I guess I owe Paul (IDK how to tag him) for that. Cheers to you, your family, & your strength. Happy New Year. .xo.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Myka. You have no idea how much impact your words have. Thank you so much. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart I’m confident even if we never get to physically meet that we will become great friends for a long time. I’m so thankful for people like you who come along out of the blogging world and just give me more reason. THANK YOU. Happy New Years and happy EVERYTHING to you and your family as well! Cheers to writing and to friendship!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I might be super late on this, but…❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ soul twin I’m sorry for all you went through but it made you who you are today. A bad ass, great mom, strong woman who sets a great example for her children. Keep doing everything you’re doing bc you my friend are an amazing soul with so many stories to tell & because you write in a way where you lay everything out for people to see, you help others cope with whatever they are going through. My favorite post thus far ❤️❤️ u soul twin.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you my friend for your encouraging and beautiful words (que sapppy, hahah!) but It means the world to me seriously……I really do hope my words resonate. I really do want to be heard and won’t stop till the end. You’re an inspiration to me and that’s why I’ve always pushed for you to never stop writing! I am such a fan and I’m always rooting for you! Writing is such a lost and forgotten art these days,
      Especially in our kinds of “grupitos” in this city. You know what I mean. Let’s keep doing the damn thing though!

      Liked by 1 person

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