Witty Rants

Happy Hybrid-Wild-Gooseduck Day!

Okay FIRST of all? The whole idealism of “Thanksgiving” is a fucking sham. (Oh! Well then! Hi there Ely. Welcome back?)

Friends? It’s time we gathered ’round the table-o-truth here because we need to have a serious adultish talk. There’s really no easy way to say this but- we have been DECEIVED! We done been lied to and betrayed our entire lives and our teachers have been the culprit of this betrayal.

Yes! The very educators who held our fragile ever-changing minds in the palms of their hands, and why?! I’ll tell you why! Because they were afraid that our itty-bitty-wittle hearts weren’t built to withstand the gut-twisting truths that hide beneath the surface of this shady ass “holiday” we call Thanksgiving.

Granted. Shit got real in the 1600’s so I guess we can’t totally blame the school system for not traumatizing young children with the “full” version of certain historical events (these kindergarteners really need to toughen up though. It’s a rough world out here) but for fuck’s sake there really wasn’t EVEN a turkey on “Thanksgiving” so come onnnnnnn!

Not only were we underestimated, but we were MOCKED! I repeat: THERE. WAS. NO. DAMN. TURKEY. Nope. It was basically some unseasoned and probably not-even-fully-plucked species of wild geese or duck or a hybrid gooseduck which was the consequence of goose and a duck gettin’ it on. The heart wants what it wants right? I guess Selena was right. And I guess she’s the goose and Justin is the DUCK after all.

I seriously never cease to impress myself.

Also, boys and girls? Yea. Sure. There was a “thanksgiving” feast but it wasn’t the friendly feast between the Pilgrims and the Indians you’ve been brainwashed with. The truth is- the Pilgrims enslaved the Indians and attempted to take them back to England and almost all of them-except your homeboy Squanto-died from the smallpox.

So there’s Squanto- just trying to survive, repeatedly telling himself “I’m a survivor. I’m gonna make it. I’m not gon’ stop… I’m gon’ work harder!” And the Beyoncé inside him done set his soul on FIRE

and he came up with a master plan and taught them to how to grow food in exchange for peace. And then as a “thank you bruh”, the pilgrims and Squanto and Co. shared a peaceful dinner or a brunch or whatever, but that was not thanksgiving. Ya’ll trippin’.

The fucking Pilgrims weren’t even really involved with thanksgiving. Uh huh. What had happened was, the other Puritan assholes around England heard about the New world and then THEY went and invaded the Indian territories, enslaved the strongest dudes, and then murdered the rest which resulted in THE bloodiest Indian war like ever because the natives didn’t even give a shit about Squanto’s shady deal with the Pilgrims so they stood up for themselves. Which only made shit worse for them because one night, as the Natives celebrated their annual “Green Corn Festival” the settlers were bored of playing with themselves and were like “Yep! It’s a good night for a massacre” and murdered men, raped and burned women and children alive, and enslaved some here and there. THOSE GUYS?! The MURDERERS? THEY decided to celebrate their sick fucking twisted and demented “victories” the next day by calling it a day of THANKSGIVING. And that was only the beginning of the torture and the genocide to come for the Natives.

So. can someone please explain to me WHAT THE FUCK WE ARE CELEBRATING HERE?! Maybe it’s like a day of mourning all of the lost natives and the tragedies they endured? Maybe I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about and I need more of a history lesson which I’m sure will haunt me in my comments section (rightfully so!) Maybe all I need is another venti caramel macchiato but either way, I just don’t give a shit about this holiday. There. I said it! The only thing I love about it is the part where I I get to leave my city to spend four days with my family upstate BUT-

The fact is, Thanksgiving is a celebration of slaughtery. And apparently I just made that shit up because it doesn’t seem to be an actual word but I like it. Slaughtery. It stays. Trend it. Use it. Embrace it. Or give it to the pre-teens and let them do the dirty work.

Thus, with all of that said: I have decided to deem my thanksgiving road-trip/vacation a SLAYCATION. Literally.

And let’s get REAL-ER here for a second: because why do we have to wait for a specific day of the year to sit down and have a formal fucking decent meal with family to be THANKFUL for what we have?

…………………………………………………………………

Ya got nothing?

Yea. That’s what I thought. Seriously the whole thing is fucking ridonculous.

::::Pinches her nose so she can have the world’s most annoying, dragging, snorty, dumb-cunt voice ever::::”I’m so thankful for my family, my friends, this food on the table, my health, my home, my career, my-

Oh shut the fuck UP Susan! Shut. UP! You mean you’re not already thankful for all the damn things?! Wow. You’re a piece of fucking work Susan truly. How about we tone down the clichés a notch eh? I mean can we break the mold here? Can we think outside of the box for once?

You wanna know what I’m thankful for? Not really? Perfect I couldn’t wait to share!

Some of The Petty Things The Fox is Thankful For:

  • Birth control. Fuck you sperm. You don’t own me.
  • PTO. How else would we get paid when our kids get fake-sick and our grandmothers die for the 54th time?!
  • High beams. They’re like the middle finger to my vehicle. Let that sink in.
  • Sunglasses. How else would I roll my eyes right in front of your face without you ever knowing and how else would I look like a movie star even though I look like fucking death swallowed me whole and then spit me out only to land in front of a moving train. Also how else would I avoid eye contact with all human life and how else would I say DO NOT FUCKING SPEAK TO ME BITCH without having to actually say DO NOT FUCKING SPEAK TO ME BITCH!? Come on. It’s the little things.
  • Caffeine. Need I explain. I mean look at all the humans walking around that are ALIVE and WELL. You think that’s GOD’S doing? You think DOCTORS make that happen? You think it’s NATURE? SEAT-BELTS? The fuck? No. Its caffeine. Caffeine saves lives….get it together.
  • Yoga Pants and Stretchy butt-lifting jeans. All hail the pants that give me an ass. Because what is a squat? I don’t have time for that shit. We will fake it till we make it!
  • My pure silk pillow case. I can’t stop talking about my pillow case. It changed my life. I will NEVER AGE. Buhahahaha!
  • On Demand with voice control. GOODBYE CHANNEL FLIPPING, hellllooooo box that does what the FUCK I say when I say it! Now can I get this installed inside of my kids’ and my fiancé’s brains? I BELIEVE in you Comcast! Let’s go GLOBAL with this thing.
  • Amazon Prime. Come onnnn! It’s every fucking anxious, anti-social introvert’s DREAM! I suppose cyber Mondays and just general “online shopping” falls under this one. What WOULD I do if I had to face malls more than once every few months ugh. I can’t even.

I mean those are just a FEW. But I just stood at the podium in the center of the universe, saidthe damn things, and dropped the mic. Except the mic kinda floated up and away. It’s outer space what the hell do you expect I can’t control gravitational laws so just consider it like a reverse-boss move.

But I seriously do hope ya’ll have an AMAZING Thanksgiving with your friends and loved ones. Besides the petty things and the cliché things I’m BEYOND thankful for the friendships I’ve found from this blog. I’m thankful for all of my supporters and my followers and you guys mean the world to me, honestly.

Gobble gobble Quack quack? (or…whatever sounds geeseducks make?)

24 thoughts on “Happy Hybrid-Wild-Gooseduck Day!”

  1. If I wasn’t lazy I would read this entire post again because I love it. I’m kissing your face now. This was a rousing expose on slaughter (I hope to be the first one to use it). I never celebrated Thanksgiving growing up so I don’t think a whole lot about it. If a friend offers to pack me a plate I’m surely taking it, but other than that I find that most holidays are a mask for some lie or injustice that time has washed over and with the benefit of gifts and food. Then again, when will I ever tell anyone that I’m grateful for anything if this day didn’t exist? Also, sperm don’t own me neither. I’m off to make a list of the little random shit that I’m thankful for. I’ll start the list with granny panties.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. HaaaA!!!! ALL HAIL THE GRANNY PANTIES GIRL!!!! Yessss spread the word let’s start a PETTY THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR PETITION LOL 😂 and you’re right. Santa Claus is probably also REALLY about a huge man who likes to play dress up in red suede and watch children while they sleep at night. And leaves them gifts so that they won’t go around telling the adults about his middle of the night visits. The sick fuck. 😫🤦🏻‍♀️😱

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Haha this was the perfect first post back you could’ve done. Haven’t missed a beat. I think you have a future as a history blogger too. In Canada we celebrate Thanksgiving in October because……I don’t know? I don’t even like turkey, why is it the official mascot of this holiday? And what’s with your President always pardoning a turkey every year? Isn’t that cruel? “We’re gonna kill all your friends and keep you alive so you can go through PTSD. Congrats.” How cruel. Anyways, enjoy your slaycation!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Paul!! I totally needed to hear that. I think I can put a demented twist into history blogging lol! I’ll do it again for the legends of SANTA don’t even get me started on this psycho. Lol!!! And yes. I have ZERO idea who deemed the turkey the mascot. Like what did the turkey ever do to THAT guy?!?! Jesus! Lol

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The history of Santa! Yes! You’ll have to address the fact that he has to climb through people’s chimneys, but doesn’t participate in Cross Fit. Feel like he can’t do one without the other.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. As usual this post did not disappoint and my sides hurt by the time I finished reading this!! Oh wait, maybe that was not from laughing so hard, might just have been because I ate too dang much of that slain turkey, ya know the one the president didn’t pardon!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m totally with you that the entire day has been fabricated as to what we were told the origin of the day was. However, I have never in my life thought that we were celebrating that moment. It is a day of giving thanks. The Pilgrims and Indians “story” is just part of the lore that has grown around the day.

    True, we should should be thankful all the time, but the holiday is a time to stop and remind us to do so. Valentine’s Day works the same way. We should always be loving to our partner, but it’s a special day set aside for it. The same goes for the purpose behind Veteran’s Day, Memorial Day, Mother’s Day, etc.

    In none of these are celebrating a specific historical event, we are taking the time to acknowledge and appreciate something. Even if we should have been doing that the entire time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your response. I totally respect you. But I mean seriously? Lol! Please keep in mind my purpose in this blog is to spark some humor into normal every day things and life. My demeanor is sarcastic and I really don’t need to defend it or explain it but I think you took it all too seriously. Lol. I am not to be taken seriously- at all. Thanks for stopping by though! Hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving 😊🙌🏼

      Like

      1. As I was telling my wife about this post, I did mention “She’s probably just going for the laugh.” So, I get it.

        Those are my thoughts, but I think my tone came off more seriously than I intended.

        I’ve written many a snarky post and had people take it too seriously.

        That being said, I am a fan of your blog. Keep doing what you do.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. It makes sense that we as a nation celebrate the massacre of an entire race with an entire day. We also remember the idiot who sailed around the world and thought he found India. Racist prick! Just because they have a darker skin tone doesn’t make them Indian!!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s