Deep Rants, Witty Rants

The Unravelings of Semi-Adulthood

It’s inevitable. Inevitably, I’m on the brink of turning the big(ger) thirty-two! And while I’m typically an antisocial introvert who wants zero part of anything that has to do with being anywhere near the center of attention, the truth is, I turn into a fucking intolerable diva around my birthday. I admit it. I’m kind of a big deal once a year (at least) and I. WANT. TO. BE. SHOWERED. WITH. THINGS. Call me superficial. I don’t give a glittery shit. The Universe blessed this planet with my presence on the 15th day of October damn it and I expect to be swooned and swept off my feet with shiny things and cake and irresponsible amounts of liquor. The birthday bitch complex is alive and well. Usually.

This year… I don’t know. I’m feeling different. I don’t know what it is… but I’m pretty sure that this post will serve to unravel these feels. Right? 

Susan (my subconscious): Well I can help you out there hun. You’re turning 32, not 23. Here’s a little wake-up call doll  (you’re not that cute anymore, get over yourself) lady: you’re getting older, weaker, slower. It happens. It’s the law of the things. Deal with it. There. “Feels” unraveled. You’re welcome.

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Fuck off Susan. Go back to your deep, dark hole.

Here’s my theory: I think I’ve reached another milestone in life. You know. Like walking and talking and using the potty? The way I see it, in 7 days, I’ll be half-way to 64. Theoretically speaking, that makes me only 32 years short of being a grandma overflowing with wisdom and experience…which means that when it comes to “life”- I am half-way to graduating from adulthood. Which basically all sums up to this: I am almost officially, a semi-adulting motherfucking Ninja slash master of the art of Fake-it-to-Fucking-Make it.

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Hiiiii-YAH! Come at me life! You’re MY bitch!

After 31 years of battling life’s obstacles one-on-one; of trying to meet unrealistic expectations set forth by society and “the people” in and out of my life; of tirelessly chasing irrational dreams; of fighting to be more of this and better at that; of struggling to attain some fictional “balanced” version of myself- I think I’ve finally done it. I think I’ve finally figured all of this shit out….

I’ve had an epiphany.

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MAYBE, this is IT. MAYBE this is my point of “enough” for now, and I can just relax now and stop struggling to keep up with the Kardashians, with dreams, and with expectations of all that MORE and BETTER shit. MAYBE it should be OK for me to feel at peace with the outcome of my life thus far. MAYBE it’s time to be OK with all of the things that I’ve accomplished as opposed to dwelling on all of my failures to meet certain “timelines” by a certain “age” and sweating the small shit that didn’t happen as planned.

I just want to fucking LIVE and let live at this point. I’m kind of on “whatever happens happens” mode. I’m not saying I give up. I’m just saying time isn’t my friend and there’s no sense in beating myself up about it at this age. I still don’t know what I’m doing and I’m still a walking disaster and MAYBE I’m just…cool with being a semi-adult. I mean…let’s look at this cup of life half full as opposed to constantly looking at it half empty: 

  • I’ve almost managed to keep myself alive for 32 years (things will get pretty eerie and awkward if I like, die in the next 7 days)!  #winningIfIdontdiebeforethe15th
  • I have real, in-the-flesh little human kids that I birthed into this world and THEY’RE alive! Totally ALIVE! #winning
  • I have a fiance, who actually volunteered to marry me, and he’s ALIVE too (this one is a mystery, considering the amount of times I say things like “I will shank you in your sleep motherfucker, do not fuck with me”). #winningifhedoesntgetshanked
  • I have a home. Like a house. A place I come to and sleep in and live in and do the things in! And it is MINES! And it has NOT burned to fucking ashes! #winnerwinnerImakechickendinners
  • I have a real car and it has four whole, entire wheels and GAS in it and it moves! And no one has come to repo it! #winningsofar
  • I have a bank account! (I was such a gangster at one point, I wasn’t allowed to own a bank account for almost 6 years because I owed every bank alive money.) And sometimes, it doesn’t EVEN have a negative sign in front of the “balance” and that makes me so happy that I have to go celebrate my semi-adulting successes and then well, you know. I over do it but it was worth it! Don’t be so negative! #winningevenifimlosing
  • I’ve had a job for 4.5 years and I have NOT gotten fired, escorted out, or imprisoned! (Clearly they have some issues to work out with the H.R. department protocols but hey, I’m not complainin’). Also- I get DIRECT DEPOSIT guys! #winning
  • I even have a credit score close to 600 again! And my credit cards are all maxed out BUT I make sure to make my minimum 25$ payments every single month on-time, so I’m not even in collections…at least right!? #thatswinninginmyworld

Holy fucking shit. Talk about success! When it comes to semi-ahdulting I’m the fucking CEO. Eat your heart out, Steve Job’s ghost. 

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I mean come on! How many of us out here in the REAL world are kind of fed up with feeling like assholes everyday just because we don’t or can’t seem to conform to the “rules” of “adulting” these days?! Life is officially too short.

I’m halfway to being THAT much closer to death and then would any of my drama have mattered if I died constantly trying to ensure that my grass is just as green as the other side’s?! No. There’s no time to compare my grass to yours or theirs. Fuck ALL of the grass.

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IT’S TIME TO EMBRACE SEMI-ADULTHOOD!

LISTEN! It’s OK to be imperfect, irresponsible, childish, petty as fuck (or a combo of whichever ones all at once) every once in a while. Seriously. If you’re a semi-adult and you know it clap your hands….(clap! clap!)  If you’re a semi-adult and you know it and you truly wanna show it, if you’re a semi-adult and you know it clap your hands… (CLAP! CLAP!)

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Stop trying. Stop compromising. Stop stressing. Start SEMI-ADULTING. Grab life like a little bitch by the horns and be like “Hold on son. I’m a fucking semi-adult. You don’t OWN ME. We’re gonna play by MY rules!”

Maybe you’re motivated but you don’t know where to start? Well here are some tips and pieces of advice which I highly recommend you COMPLETELY ignore.

UNCONVENTIONAL ADVICE FOR THE ASPIRING SEMI-ADULT

In a rush? No time to do the normal shit the normal way? Well. Fuck it. Be an on-the-go PRO-aka- a multi-tasking motherfucking sensei! Drive, insert contact lenses, apply mascara and an entire face of makeup all while singing to Whitney Houston’s “You’re Love is My Love” at the top of your lungs, texting your boss with the next best excuse as to why you’re late again, and skipping three lanes over in traffic. Laugh in the face of danger. YOLO. And also, BOO-YAH!!

Did your hubby just actually invite a  bunch of people over and your house is a fucking disaster zone?! Of course he did! Well. Fuck it. Hide the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Pick up all the clean clothes, toys, WHATEVER that may be laying around out of place everywhere and toss it ALLLLL in the laundry room or hide it in the closet, or close your eyes, choose a room and ensure no one goes in said room. HIDE IT ALL. Spray air-fresher like it’s going out of style and at least clean the toilet rims for fox sake! FAKE IT TO FUCKING MAKE IT! 

Have a big event coming up? Is your dress to skimpy but those love handles are kind of outta control and hard to love? I GOT YOUR BACK BOO-BOO. Be a PROcrastinator and lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks before that event like a boss. Because fuck that shit. Just starve for a few days and take extra caffeine pills you know?! Or sign up with a weight loss clinic that prescribes phentermine and I swear, you’ll lose 5-10 pounds IN NO TIME and you don’t even have to try. Is it healthy? NOPE. Will it be effective for long term results? NOPE. Will it get you slim in time? YEP. WEIGH out your options here and be a realist. Extreme love handles call for extreme measures. I’m JUST saying. It’s ok to compromise organic food for a quick hot bod.

Stop killing yourself and wasting time hoarding money “just in case”: WHAT THE FUCK? Stop it. Please splurge and enjoy your life. Take my two cents on this one and please don’t restrict yourself from living the best life possible for the sake of saving your two cents. It’s NOT worth it. We can’t take the money to the grave with us. It’s so pointless to me! If I want the thing, I get the thing. ZERO FUCKS GIVEN. ZERO REGRETS FELT. Buy shit. Go places. See things. Feel things. Experience things. The money will come as fast as it will go. Don’t be so attached to your bank account. OWN the money and stop letting the money own YOU now and then.

Stop PLANNING so rigorously: Unplanned vacations and outings end up being THE MOST memorable and stress-free ones, that’s just a fact. And how MANY couples do everything “scientifically” right in order to have a baby- fertility calendars, “planned” sex, baby-making-voodoo spells, rain-chants, moon-dances, and NOTHING. Then, as soon as they “give up” and decide to adopt, and have romantic wild love without focusing on a baby… BOOM! Pregnant as fuck. It’s just the way the universe works- you can’t force things.

How many kids feel FORCED to go to law school or medical school and end up so miserable half way through they fucking quit to pursue Rap or writing or painting careers?! This is textbook “life” shit people. Stop trying to plan and start allowing life to take it’s course naturally.

I’m kind of saying that IT’S OK TO SETTLE SOMETIMES: But let’s look a little deeper here: The qualities that we all strive for in life include: LOVE, FINANCIAL PROSPERITY, GENIUNE HAPPINESS, AND HEALTH.

YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS HAVE IT ALL,  AT LEAST NOT FOREVER.

If you’re in love, perfectly healthy, and genuinely happy- you’re probably a writer in undying love with a mechanic and you’re having a rough time with money.

If you’re rich as fuck, healthy, and happy- you’re probably single and too intimidating or unapproachable or too picky. So you’re either too terrifying to others, or too terrified of others.

If you’re rich, happy, and in love- you or the person you love are bound to be diagnosed with stage 4 cancer or are about to die in some unexpected way which will lead to misery and being left along to suffer with lots of money which you will use to search endlessly for the things to fill that void that will probably never be filled again no matter what.

I can do this mix and match game of “Life” all fucking day ya’ll.

And I can write a BOOK with so much unnecessary advice and tips on mastering the art of semi-adulting…but to be honest, it took me 12 days to finish this damn post because of LIFE trying to be a slutty distraction, so I’d probably finish a book by that 64th birthday!

I’m feeling so much better now that I’ve come out of the extra-petty-closet. Literally. Fuck all of it.  32: I’m SO ready for you.  CHEERS TO SEMI-ADULTING! 

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28 thoughts on “The Unravelings of Semi-Adulthood”

  1. When you initially said that you feel different about your upcoming birthday, I thought it was going to be because you’re afraid no one can make you a cake as good as you can make yourself a cake. Boy was I wrong!

    Woo! Sem-adulting, though! Seems like you’ve got the whole thing on lockdown. I’m pretty sure you did in one paragraph what half the world seems to be trying (but failing) to do on Instagram – that is, give fitness advice that gets right down to the point.

    Sometimes I forget how old I am because I still find it weird when people call me and adult or a “man”. As a guy that how you know you’re getting old. First they call you an infant. Then a little boy. Then a boy. Then a young man. Then a teenager. Then a young adult. Then an adult. Then a man. Pretty soon they’re going to be calling me “male” and then “middle aged” and then “senior citizen”. This got depressing hella quick. I used the word “hella” to seem young and hip replacement. Oh God it’s happening.

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    1. 😂😂😂😂 HELLA true my friend!! And I agree with you I feel like GUYS get the whole “maturing” thing the hardest from society. Especially when any little mistake you make will automatic bring you right back to being 12 “you’re such a little boy! When will you EVER man up!!!” Lol! And side note: no one is allowed to make my birthday cakes. Lol!! I make my own every year. It’s an ego thing! I hate myself for it lol!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Being 12 years old forever is the dream haha. Old enough to know some things, not old enough to be held responsible for anything. It’s perfect. As for your cake, I assume you put extra frosting and layers and everything lolol

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I can be the same way. I was more so when I was younger—kiiiinda still am. And this year my birthday is on thanksgiving, so my shpiel will be,”yaaaaaa’ll, you made me this wonderful dinner?! Ohh, thank you sooo much for thinking of me on this wonderful day of the anniversary that I graced the heavens and earth by my existence.’ Yada yada yada…
    I’ll be 37, it’s getting to the point where birthdays are a notice—not getting any younger. Blaahhhh. Enjoy your upcoming days

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol!!!! Love the Thanksgiving Shpiel!! But I hate when birthdays land on major holidays! LIKE HOLD THE FUCK ON COLUMBUS/SANTA/EASTER BUNNY- this is MY DAY! Back off! Lol but yes Def a notice! We just have to keep telling ourselves age is just a number over and over and over! And over. 🤣😫😫😫

      Liked by 1 person

  3. 🙌🙌🙌
    Firstly: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (for next week)
    I love this post and everything about it! Love it so much I may get a bit ranty:
    I am so sick of the fact our generation was raised to believe we had to fit in this cute little cookie cutter mold, and do this or that in this or that way in order to be succesful. It’s ridiculous, and I am SO glad we are all realising that we are the designers, architects and engineers of our own success and each of us has our own image and vision of that success.
    I don’t own a car, or a house, but fuck it I have lived in three different countries, have a cat who tolerates me, a boyfriend who puts up with me, and a job I fucking excel at.
    Life, to me, is war – the individual against the world. You need to have the small victories, run succesful campaigns, and win that war in order to conquer life, and you know what? We’re running our empires beautifully xx

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    1. A-MA-ZIIINNNGGG!!! Yesssss!!!! Exactly what I wanted to say but with 5,000 less words! Hahaha! I’m not very good and getting my point across this eloquently! But cheers to us powerful, it’s-all-good-if-it-ain’t-perfect, humble, badass boss LADIES (and gents)!!! And it’s never about what we own because the issue is that for the most part- people are NEVER satisfied no matter what they’ve accomplished because there’s so much pressure for more! You bought a house? So what now you have to remodel it because it’s not good enough now even though it’s old! You have a car? So what. It doesn’t have cool rims so clearly you’re not hip enough. You have kids? Big deal. They don’t go to elite private schools and they’re not sports all-stars.
      Never mind that I’m raising beautiful children. They’re still being “compared”. It is FUCKING RIDICULOUS AND I AM NOT LETTING THAT DRAMA GET TO ME. There’s NOTHING wrong with being a basic, hot mess, just striving for NORMAL things sometimes! When did people get so damn BOUGIE? After the rap song or before?! Lol 😂

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  4. I just love your writing style, you make me laugh OUT loud every single time. Happy fucking birthday for the 15th. My last birthday was the shits, and not in a good way!! EVERY single girl in this world likes to be made to feel special on their birthday and if they say they don’t they are lying!! Interesting that you call your Inner bitch Susan, mine is just bitch!! or IB

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    1. Lmfao!!! Thanks Jad! I appreciate that and I appreciate you 🤗 and yes bitches be LYINGGGG “it’s my birthday no big deallll” wommppp womppp! And I hope your next birthday turns out to be THE shit in a fabulous way! It only comes once a year we have to make it HAPPEN lol! Xoxo!!

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  5. Happy almost birthday Ely!! (how awesome, the 15th is my half-birthday and I was just planning out a post for it before doing emails this morning!!) You are *totally* crushing it as a semi-adult and I wish you all the best in your life-crushing skills in the next halfway-to-64 part of your life 😀

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  6. Happy early birthday. It’s a time to celebrate. For me I am 50 in two years and I can’t believe that. I still think of myself as some dumb kid who doesn’t know any better. Yea for trying to be relevant and real.

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  7. I’m totally semi-adulating my way through life. I’m waiting for the day that I crack, sell everything I own and buy an RV to live out of an travel. I’m sure one day I’ll be building a fire or pooping in a hole and it’ll start raining and I’ll be crying, but my bills will be minimal and there’s always selling overpriced coconut water to tourists in South America. Thanks for the honest portrayal of real life. Some of us are out here wondering when the fuck the adulting manual got handed out and how we missed it. I’m 35 now; me and life are taking turns fucking each other. It’s all good; we aren’t downing copious amounts of fiber to alleviate our elderly chronic constipation, and if we take a fall we just might recover. You’ve got many years of semi-adulating left in you so go out there and shake your semi-old ass off!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lmfao @ pooping in a hole and selling overpriced coconut water. Sounds like the IDEAL life girl! Hahaha! And with regards to taking turns fucking each other- yea. I feel like THAT kind of casual rape will NEVER END! Thank you for your encouragement and inspiration as always! And sorry for the late response. Girl I’m so deep into not writing it’s scaring me and I’m actually getting back on my wagon now!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ely, I’ve been fighting the writer’s block battle myself. It’s scary how it shuts down sometimes. And it’s scarier that one never knows just how long it might be gone for. Yooo, just realized I made a Snapchat vid about writer’s block recently. I’ve been so fed up. I’m glad you’re getting back on the wagon. I think mine just pulled up as well, haha.

        Liked by 1 person

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