A trickle of sweat escapes one of my pores and decides to have a play date on my neck, as it gleefully slides down the slope of flesh that conceals my Jugular. “Wee!!” it squeals, with hands freely waving into the air. It calls out to its other droplet buddies that are comfortably napping in a nappy bed of hair that is perched atop my head- the cuckoo’s nest (fitting), “It’s summertime guys! Come on down here and play! I’ve discovered the BEST slide ever!” I can subconsciously feel his salty little peer-spirations intruding my fleshy lands by the puddles. A little further south of Jugular Park, another group of sweat-drop bastards are pouncing around and in-between the Double Hills of ChestbutnoNuts-Park. And over in the Forbidden Lands Down Under- what the… No. NO! NOT. THERE! Fuck. Now- you’re just literally invading my privacy. Now I’m pissed.
From afar, it all seems pretty innocent. Just a bunch of sweat rolling around my skin. But no. Something smells fishy here,I think to myself, and then regret it immediately because just, ILL girl.Wait, what? Relax. I DO NOT smell fishy! I meant… ok. I should go back and edit that. There’s just no fucking time for editing now- you’re in a crisis honey. Keep it moving. Fine. But really. I don’t sme-KEEP IT MOVIN’ fishgirl. Well.. shit.
…So my mind is suddenly moving at speeds I can’t keep up with. They MUST be allies of the Demon of the Night: Hyperpyrexious, Salty King O’ The Heat Stroke. I fucking know it. It’s all a distraction mechanism. He’s fucking back. These sweaty foreign invaders are here for blood! They’re the ISIS suicide-sweat-drop-bombers and he’s summoned them to help finish me off.
Before I could think clearly enough to lay down a plan of action, I catch myself amid The Battle of The Desiccated Souls, with temperatures slowly but steadily rising. Get your shit together. Get your shit together NOW! And POOF! Just like that, I’m a butt-booty-naked soldier fighting this battle for myself and by damn myself, and while the odds are against me, I will NOT fucking succumb to the Armpit Sweat King! Not TONIGHT Satan, NOT. TO-NIGHT! I will NOT sweat in vain! I will not dehydrate without dignity! But suddenly, I’m violently attacked by sets of thin-white bed-sheets surrounding 360 degrees of my defenseless body! They came with a mission: cocoon and suffocate the bitch until she melts into a puddle of semi-tanned 32 year old disgusting flesh. Ah yes, ::::evil little chuckle::::the good old’ cocoon-the-sweaty-loon eh? Tsk. Tsk. Predictable move, Hyperpyrexious. I suppose you really can’t teach an old dog new tricks, can you? We’ve met before you and I, but I see that you’ve come to finish the job. Thing is, we’re on day 4 and you’ve taken ENOUGH of my sanity from me! I need my FUCKING sleep asshole! You’ve taken it hostage, and I WILL get it back. Do you hear me? I will FIND IT. And I will GET IT BACK!
Without hesitation, I press my eyelids tightly shut with fury and begin to psychotically lose my shit as I kick and pedal in every direction as if I’m riding an invisible Goddamned Bicycle-of-Doom up Mount-Fuck-This-Heat and this is a life-or-death race for my soul that awaits me at the very top. I’m Tossing and turning, left then right then left then right- a swift warrior-ninja in red socks, ready to motherfucking Tango with this Demon. I’m launching canon-pillows straight toward the fucker like a Pillow-Pirate defending the greatest treasure known to mankind: my FUCKING uninterrupted slumber.
But Hyperpyrexious means business tonight.
He’s not yielding. But who am I? WHO AM I DAMN IT?! It is I!!!! The Naked-Invisible-Mountain-Biker-of-Doom-Warrior-Ninja-Red-Sock-Wearing-Tango-Dancing-Pillow-Pirate-FUCKIN-Heat-Battling-Soldier and I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS LONG NIGHT! Bwahahahaha!!!
And there we were- face to face as he grasps hold of my neck and begins to squeeze. I can barely catch my breathe as I struggle for whatever bit of Oxygen remains in this torture chamber that I once proudly called my bedroom. It’s like he’s one of those witches from Hocus Pocus, sucking the life out of me. He stares at me with vicious, merciless demoniac eyes and calmly whisper-screams: (insert your BEST possible Mortal Kombat voice) “FINISH H-E-R!” but he’s careful not to wake the children for he KNOWS, that’s the shit that will REALLY make me go ba-fucking-nanas and awaken the gorilla-beast within and then… “IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG BITCH-HEAT!” You don’t fuck with the kids, ya dig?
I can feel myself weakening. I’m drifting off. I almost feel cold and I almost want to feel that coldness and just let go. I am his prisoner now, shackled by his wrath of dehydration. But I’m just not ready to go down like this. You can fucking make it through this. I’m not this superficial! Snap the fuck out of it girlfriend. You can handle this. No I can’t. I don’t know how much more of this I can TAKE! I throw my hands over my face, and tried to force-burst myself into tears. But my ducts are all dried out, like someone drained my Great Salt Lake. My emotions- flopping around like millions of temperamental blow-fish out of water, eyes wide open, terrified, their gills flapping in desperation, blowing up with confusion, anger and pain, their little mouths opening and closing asking questions that will never be heard and awaiting answers that will never come to their rescue. Pathetic.
And then a faint, relatively cool breathe of air gently caresses the back of my hands from 2 feet away and then disappears like a lover in the middle of the night. I remove my hands from my face and notice something, someone from my past. I crawl towards the still-standing silhouette- the closer I get, the more familiar this feels. I feel…home. GASP!It’s her. It’s Fanny, staring at me from what seems like miles away!! I continue to crawl, like a slowly dying man lost for days in the middle of the Sahara beneath a blistering sun that follows his every step. Just when all hope is lost, his eyes widen with disbelief as he approaches what he thinks to be a puddle of water ahead. He quickly regains enough energy to run, run, RUN in a bolt of hysterical laughter- “I’m SAVED!” and jumps violently right. into. a. puddle. of. sand. A cruel, classic trick- courtesy of the Sun. WHAT a shady bitch.
But Fanny! I approach her with caution and run my fingertips along her metallic curves. She’s NOT a mirage. But she is barely breathing. She spins with the strength and the speed of a 98 year old lady hooked onto an oxygen machine. She coughs and spits and then spins ever so slowly, ever so weakly. We lock eyes-to-blades and memories of the past come flooding through me. She was always there for me when tragedy struck and the Demon of the Night would come and try to claim my soul. Fanny never once, let me sweat for more than a night. But I can see there is dusty-pain and unnecessary suffering with every other spin. She doesn’t want to quit. She wants to save me, this one last time. She knows this has been by far, my most violent, and longstanding battle with Hyperpyrexious. The fan-of-death has come to take her- I see him standing in his black cloak in the corner of my bedroom, but I say WAIT! I know CPR! I could save you, Fanny! A few seconds into my irrational thought-process, I realize that this would only lead to my own shocking execution. Sigh. She has no hope. I weakly get up, devoured by stress and frustration and just when I bend over to unplug my old friend and put her out of her misery, something happens.
It’s Fanny. She’s humming! She begins to SPIN FASTER than the speed of light! I freeze right where I am (how ironic..) and walk over to face her. She’s pushing cool winds so strong in my direction that I slowly regain all of my strength and my will to live! I smile in victory as she fans away the sweat-drop-suicide-bombers, and blows Hyperpyrexious off of my body! He slams onto the wall behind me with a low, furious groan and vanishes into the night.
I’m laughing, feeling relived. But there’s smoke now… something is burning. It’s coming from Fanny. Shit Fanny… No! She’s burned herself out…she pushed herself one last time, to save me. Oh Fanny… You fucking SAVED ME girl! You DID IT! You came through, as you always have! Poor Fanny exhaled one last breathe of cool wind…. and shut off for good. May you rest in cool peace, dear friend. Thank you- for fighting for me and helping me win this battle. We will NEVER forget 9/12/17.
A light begins to flicker in the background. It’s dim at first, but it quickly brightens and lights up the torture chamber of heat that is much cooler now thanks to my Angel of Metal and her blades of glory.
It’s my alarm. It’s 7 am. I MADE IT. I did not sleep, but I made it though the night alive!
I don’t know if the Demon of the Night will be back to pay me a visit tonight, but I swear to God I will fucking cut someone if I don’t get some cool sleep soon.
I had a really rough night, guys. Can ya tell?
*Hyperpyrexia= temperatures passing 106 degrees.
*This post was created at 4:30 am. It has NOT been edited. Nor will it ever be. Soak it in. let it be.
*I still have NO ELECTRICITY. (day 4).
*No fans were harmed in the making of this post.
*I’m not a good story teller. But this was fun.
*My fiancé woke up to my typing and said “What are you WRITING about?!” I said “The Sweat Demons and my death” He immediately went back to sleep without commenting.
*Die. If you have electricity, I will cut you. Fuck everyone with A.C. I hate you all. Choke.