Lifestyle Rants



I’ve been purposefully physically, mentally, and emotionally avoiding the shit out of this very post since last week when it was first announced that HurriCUNT Irma would be a potential threat to South Florida. But I knew from the get, that this time things might take a turn for the worst, as evident in this Facebook post from last week, before we knew what we know today.


I’m typically pretty chill when it comes to this sort of natural disaster mumbo jumbo. I’m a pure-bred South Floridian and I know the drill. I also know the screw driver, the flat-head, and the hammer… so that makes me a fucking expert of some sort. To our misfortune, hurricanes tend to “cry wolf” here in Miami. I have lived 32 years of the same old song and dance every hurricane season, and it tends to become a pattern: “I’m coming! Get ready! I’m almost there! I’m gonna fuck you up Florida! Are you done yet? Have you lost your shit and gone bankrupt purchasing bullets, plywood, overpriced water, and enough canned food to survive an apocalypse? No? Ok I’ll slow down my pace, shift a little more left or right and keep your hopes up for a minute. And when you least expect it, I’ll get a little stronger and shift right back in your direction, and scare the shit out of you all over again. And then- BAM! JUST KIDDING!!! I’m turning around now! Good luck with all that duct-tape on your windows though! Also, that’s a myth assholes. Whoever told you duct tape would save you from my wrath is a dumbass! HAHAHAHA catch you next year motherfuckers! Or not!”

I mean in 32 years living here in South Florida, and I can only recall 1 actual, catastrophic category 5 hurricane having impacted us directly-Andrew. Andrew graced us with his presence in 1992. I was 7 years old when he came and took a massive, runny, shit on us (way too graphic, sorry guys). Andrew was devastating. He put the definition of “hurricane” into perspective for us here in Florida and I’m confident we have never been the same since 1992.


My extended family lost everything to him. They were homeless and left with nothing but the clothes on their backs. I remember driving towards the area that was once their neighborhood and being unable to recognize anything. Because there was nothing left of anything to fucking recognize. I was so young and clueless, but to this day I can picture the somber expressions plastered onto their faces and the tears silently trickling down their cheeks, landing lightly onto the remnants of their lives that were wrapped in dust and trapped beneath concrete rubble and shattered memories.

I vividly recall scavenging the ruins of their once-beautifully standing homes, desperately trying to hunt down and salvage family photos, wedding albums, and just anything that meant anything to them and would possibly bring them some form of comfort. As a child, I understood, but I didn’t REALLY understand. My only responsibility was to behave myself and apparently, to get the chickenpox- which I failed miserably to do. My cousins all ended up with the chickenpox mid hurricane, and my mother figured “meh, might as well have you get them too” and did everything possible to keep me close to them and rubbed me on them but my immune system is a fucking beast and was like “not TODAY lady. NOT TODAY”.

Aside from behaving, and chickenpox, I clearly didn’t have to worry about a home owner’s insurance policy, flooding, materials and vehicle damages, food and water, medicine supplies. The adults had to manage to do all of the adulting. I just knew that everyone was heartbroken, and that we didn’t have school to attend to, or electricity at home for a while.

25 years later, the gravity of what the adults in my life must have been internally dealing with during such trying and tragic times, is overwhelmingly feeling too-close-for-comfort. The fear. The unmanageable level of anxiety that accompanies the unknown. The unpredictability. The back and forth and the stress of “we can’t find water ANYWHERE! We can’t find plywood! We can’t find batteries! There’s no more gas!” The lack of control. The conversations and the questions that I am more than sure they did not want to ever want to have. I understand now that we have to sit and have those kinds of talks with our loved ones, including our children. They need to know. They need to understand, and they need to also be prepared.  This is NOT the time to have ignored the knot in my stomach. Not as a mother. Not as a homeowner. Not as a woman with so many fucking dreams to fulfill together with my family. NOPE. Nope. & NOPE.

As far as Miami goes well, the weather may not be very predictable but the type of people here ARE. They are desperate, disrespectful, selfish, and careless of others. This is survival of the fittest. This is a competition. This is the blinding rage that comes with the natural, animalistic instincts to protect what it yours, regardless of the consequences. I get it. I just wish we could all help each other and bring each other up, as opposed to brawling over wood and water. As opposed to pushing and shoving one another in the canned food sections. As opposed to skipping the person who’s been waiting in line for an hour at the gas station. Like- PEOPLE. We are all on the same boat here. We can’t sink each other. We have to stay afloat! Together! What in the ACTUAL FUCK!?

There’s no water left ANYWHERE guys. I’ve gone as far as searching for water online. And if it’s not RIDICULOUSLY priced, it’s out of stock altogether.

Plywood is out of stock everywhere in the city, practically in the state. Joey managed to find wooden fence slabs, after 48 hours of continuously searching and waiting. Home Depot has a TEN HOUR WAIT for wood and fist fights are sprouting there left and right. At this point, I am not only fearful of the darkness in the skies to come, but of the darkness inside of the people that may come.

And I don’t pray. But now would be a good time to have a one-on-one with the Universe. Anything can still happen at this point, including nothing. Or including everything.

48 thoughts on “I SOOOO HurriCANNOT Even”

  1. Lol… Is it terribly morbid that I laughed so much while reading this? Sounds like madness!!! I know exactly what you mean. It has been over a decade since the Caribbean was touched by a Hurricane. Same cat and mouse scene. But this bitch decided to rain on our parade. She’s left us in disarray can’t tell out head from our ass. It’s truly devastating.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad I was able to make you laugh in such trying times. I’m so sorry to hear this- I know the devastation has been awful. Try to keep your head high! Material can be rebuilt- now is the time to come together!! Thank you for your words.


  2. At last! Someone being rational about it all and not a) taking selfies and getting blown away by a fuck off massive wave, b) resolutely refusing to evacuate or prepare because whatever sky god you choose to believe in will keep you safe or c) bragging in the media about having a million dollar view of it coming in from your penthouse.

    Things like this bring out the absolute best and the absolute worst. Some people should just not be allowed to exist in the face of such crisis.

    Here’s hoping it blows out to sea and leaves you all alone – all to familiar with that “hurry up and wait” schtick and my god doesn’t it get boring?!

    Thinking of you all – and anyone that stands in your path for water!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. Everyone here lost their damn minds already for sure lol. It’s been kind of back and forth now on the forecasts so I’ve honestly had to step away from Channel 7 and the Weather Channel- they’re driving me INSANE with the words “CATASTROPHIC” and “DEVASTATING” every 3 seconds! It’s awful. We are very prepared in my home but, anything can happen! Def praying for ALL of Florida at this point. We making HISTORY out here girl.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t want to be remembered in history for hoarding snacks and duct taping my windows 😀 I’m trying to make my Cheetos last right now! It is terrifying though. We still haven’t recovered from Matthew.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. LOL oh that duct tapppee lmfao!!! Too much. And yes SAVE THE CHEETOS!! Try to stay calm and whatever you do- have a plan! Let’s keep each other posted! I’ll be posting update posts throughout the storm if conditions permit. The love and support from dear blogging friends is so amazing and much needed.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My thoughts are with you and everyone in Florida, I am just outside of Houston so I know a little of what you are going through right now in preparation for something that could be catastrophic or nothing!! I hope it ends up being nothing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw. So far so good! We are still organizing our things, taking pictures and strapping things down in our backyard. We are prepared enough for a zombie apocalypse in my house. We have rafts, a lifted jeep, off-roading bikes that can withstand whatever water… we have PLENTY of cash on us, plenty of food, water- I honestly feel READY! I will keep in contact as much as I can! Love u and thank u!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yesss!!! 😂📝 do you follow Paul from the captains speech ? He’s literally the funniest guy alive and one of my best blog friends. You need to join our crew lol everyone needs to join us!

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m worried about this hurricane. My mother and sister are in Cape Coral. Tonight my mother reported the hurricane is projected to move up the East coast and she is only anticipated strong winds. I then asked her where the fuck she got her weather report. CSPAN? I think by Friday, if this is coming to Florida, you need to get the hell out of there! Good luck!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lmfao she needs to get out yea. It shifted back toward us by 3pm today and I haven’t checked yet but I don’t think it’s moving away and if it does only span the east coast, we still get a category 4! Better safe than sorry girl.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Can you drink water from the tap? Would it work if you just fill up bottles? Or are there no bottles around either?

    I really hope it’ll all be fine, but I am sending you virtual hugs anyway!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you dear friend! WE FINALLY FOUND WATER! we also purchased big plastic storage containers to line with bags and fill with clean water just in case! I hope the same and THANK YOU for your positive vibes and virtual hugs!! 🤗🤗☺️

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so hoping it just goes away! I can hope right? We are in north florida but live on a barrier island. We are trapped if they close the bridges and we don’t leave. It’s freaking me out a little bit, I admit. We haven’t even been out here a year! It’s too soon for this crap!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You’ve put a HurricanKnot in my stomach and I’m nowhere near it. I picture fist fights in every aisle of the grocery store and people ramming each other with their shopping cart. Stay safe and sane, my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. 😂😂😂🤦🏻‍♀️ #FEARTHEFUCKINGFOX lmfao. I’m starting to have hope this thing will shift away from us. It may not be all that bad. We shall wait! In the meantime, I’ll keep posting lol in case I lose everything!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Did you get the memo?! You are my blog sister and its official as fuck. Certified with permits. I just want you to know THAT. In case I die this weekend. Lmfao. So dark. But so so glittery and phenom.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Seriously, you’ve just got to laugh while people are filling up their tanks with gas and then pulling 5 more canisters out of their trunks to get even more. I seriously cannot even either. Leave some fucking gas for other people! I never looked online for water, but that shit is also a joke. Thanks for the humor lady, I’m sitting in a dark boarded up house trying to conserve gas and not eat all the bread I stored up, so I need to laugh. I wish you guys the best down there. I’m up in Fort Lauderdale. I found you through Damn, Girl btw. Let’s be friends 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Lmao! Girl, we are officially friends for sure! I work in Laudy, so I know you’re hood but it’s NOTHINGG like the ratchet hispanics I’m dealing with. Just so embarrassing sometimes to say that I’m CUBAN ugh. But desperate times call for assholes. Evidently. Like ITS ONE GALLON OF WATER PER PERSON PER DAY FOR 3 days NOT ENOUGH WATER PER PERSON TO SURVIVE THE NEXT CENTURY guys. So fucking annoying and selfish. Anywho- stay safe and take it easy on that bread 😂😂😂😂😂 I’m currently stocking up on caffeine in the form of anything I can find including pills. Help me Jesus. 🤦🏻‍♀️


      5. Yay friends! I know you’ve got some special ratchets south of the broward border😂. I think their plan is to use the 500 gallons of water they drink as flotation devices in the aftermath. So ridiculous!

        I’ve got a thing of instant coffee (which I can never make to taste decent) so maybe I should get on that. I don’t have my caffeine in the morning and I’ll be tearing shit up right along with Irma. 😒

        Liked by 1 person

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