Letters, Witty Rants

Dear Steve;

No. Not you Blue’s Clue’s Steve. But I’m not done with you yet (apparently). Seriously Karina, you just made me question half of my existence. Is this the twilight zone as fuck or what? Guys. Steve isn’t even dead? And then I went and actually looked this up and I’m baffled. Like how did I NOT do this before? I feel like a total idiot!Steve is ALIVE!!!

But back to you ACTUAL Steve, to whom this hate-letter was meant for…

And nope. I did NOT conceal your identity Stevester. Now, I can sense you’re getting uncomfortable and fidgety already, so if you wanna get all lawyered-up or whatever just let me know homie. Because I’m down for whatever. I’m straight-up South-Side East-Coast 305-FloGrown for life till I die. Fo-shizzle.  

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:::clearing my throat::: So. YEA. Check yourself. Before you like, wreck yourself. No diggity. No doubt. Play on player.

Alright Stevematic. Here’s the dealio. I’ll keep this as civil and respectful as possible. There’s no need to get gangster. We’re all adults here. So let me tone it down a notch, and take a few baby-steps back for you. We’ll just start from the beginning Stevey. Nice and slow like Usher did. Here, I’ll just Usher you right on over to your seat labeled: “Asshole of The Decade.” Oh loosen up your Steviepanties. Chillax.

You see, the thing is there are 2 “things” about me and the way that I choose to live certain aspects of my so-called life that you (and everyone else for that matter) should know. What’s sad is that this note-to-self info could have made a world of a difference in our shitlationshit and in this shituation we’re all tangled up in. And though it’s way too late because what’s done is fucking done-at the very least, you deserve to know Steveignator, that:

1. I do NOT under any circumstance, answer incoming calls that begin with 800, 888, 877, or a series of other financially-threatening triple-digit numbers that scream any version of the following possibilities:

  •  “I’M A BILL COLLECTOR. AND THIS IS AN ATTEMPT TO COLLECT AN 11 YEAR OLD DEBT. NOW ANSWER SO THAT I CAN TRAP YOU INTO MAKING A COMMITMENT TO PAY ME EVEN THOUGH THIS BILL STOPPED SHOWING UP ON YOUR CREDIT REPORT 3 YEARS AGO! BUT IF YOU AGREE THEN I CAN REOPEN THE FILE FOR ANOTHER 8 YEARS SO COME ON AND BE A NICE DUMB BITCH FOR US!” “I’M SOME COMPANY REMINDING YOU FOR THE 675th TIME THAT YOUR BILL FOR WHATEVER IS DUE IN 3.5 WEEKS EVEN THOUGH YOU JUST PAID IT 4 DAYS AGO BUT WE HERE AT WHATEVER-COMPANY THINK YOU’RE AN INCOMPETENT DUMB BITCH WH IS INCAPABLE OF KEEPING TRACK OF HER BILLS SO HERE WE ARE REMINDING YOU FOR 675th TIME!” “I’M A SALES PERSON AND THIS IS A COLD CALL AND I’M GONNA TELL YOU MY NAME IS JESS BUT I’M CLEARLY WORKING SLAVE LABOR FROM A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY FOR PENNIES PER HOUR AND MY REAL NAME IS UNPRONOUNCEABLE! AND I’M GOING TO SCAM YOU INTO PAYING ME THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO HELP YOU APPLY FOR A STUDENT FORGIVENESS LOAN THAT YOU ALREADY APPLIED FOR YOURSELF ON STUDENTGOV.COM AND IT TOOK YOU 10 MINUTES AND YOU PAID NOTHING FOR IT. BUT WE’LL MAKE SURE TO CONVINCE YOU YOU’RE INCAPABLE OF DOING THAT, DON’T YOU WORRY DUMB BITCH!”

I just don’t do it Steveorisimo. It’s not me. It’s not my thing. I pass Stevester. Are you listening Steve? Are you THERE Steve? What’s wrong Steve? Don’t like it when I say your name over and over again Steve? Am I annoying the shit out of you Steve? Well that is fantastico Stevetastico! Perhaps you’llfeel an ounce of thegallons of annoyance which you have so dickishly dumped upon my life SteviewonderwhythefuckIsuckatlife.

2. I never. And I mean NEVER listen to voicemails. Any. Ever. I find them stressful, annoying, pushy, desperate and just no. Let’s be real here Stevearita. We live in a world where when you call someone and they don’t answer, it’s pretty likely that they just didn’t want to speak to you in that moment. Or perhaps they were in a meeting or getting their hair washed or getting it on. Whatever the case may be, I bet my first born kid they noticed the call. And chances are they’ll call back. No biggie. Unless they don’t… because they don’t give a shit and just don’t feel like dealing with your annoying ass (Stevemeister). I’ll tell you what though. If you’re gonna sit there all high and mighty and even THINK for one second that you’re wasted precious time leaving me a fucking voicemail would somehow miraculously motivate me to return your call which I CHOSE not to even answer to begin with-you’re on some good shit Stevealator. Really. You have things pretty bent out of shape in life and life will easily make you her submissive bitch for the rest of your stupid wasted days. I’m talking Red-Room-Of-Pain-submissive here Stevemachine.

Alright Steve. Now on this one particularly odd day a few weeks back- I just wasn’t having it. I was exhausted that day Steve. Man. Like I had it up here with work and with personal shit and this asshole of an 888 number would NOT stop calling me. When I tell you would NOT stop calling me… I mean it was like I was the guy who up and left the psycho-chick of a girlfriend without prior warning and she’s just dialing and dialing and dialing and I mean this girl means business with her nonstop dialing traumas. She needs answers Steve! And you know who this psycho bitch of a caller was?

She was youSteve-o!

That’s right sir. asshole. (Let’s just call it how it is from now on and agree to disagree as needed alright? I don’t make fucking candy for a living Stevenson. I do not live to sugarcoat shit and wrap it up with pretty paper). 

And how I discovered you was by accidentally listening to one of your 67 voicemails in the process of deleting the other 66: “Hi this is Steve. I’m calling from blah-fucking-blah regarding your recent request for a blah-fucking-blah application to lower your mortgage MPI. Call me back at 888-blah-fucking-blah.”

Well shit! I applied for this weeks ago! Why didn’t you just say so in the first place Stevie-Gee? 

So I called you back. Any amigo of lowering my out of control mortgage is an amigo of mines! And you know, I gotta admit- you were a pretty chill dude; well-informed, well-spoken, super educated, the whole package! Except you couldn’t really help me because of blah-fucking-blah reasons. You wanted me to refinance but I just wasn’t ready.

The purchase is just too fresh, and I have to get some things with my credit back in order before considering, and you know the drill right Steve? And you totally “knew the drill”. So like a respectful and appreciative potential future client- I promised to save your name and number and some other info to consider once I was better prepared to make a move.We parted our ways amicably and Steve? I didn’t even MENTION what an annoying asshole of a caller you had been for SO fucking long! I was giving you the full benefit of the doubt Stevemeister.

But here’s where shit gets legit weird Big Steve because you know- I thought when we parted ways that day that I made myself super clear. I wasn’t ready. Yet- you started to call me again.
Over. And over. And over. And fucking over. And again. Non-s-t-o-p Steveanator. Non. STOP. 

I faintly recall feeling super confused and ready for war all at once. And Steve? You again, started piling up the voicemails. This time I NEEDED to hear one: “following up…” and then there I was-dumbfounded-whispering to myself “What the fuck are you following up on? I just TOLD you what the deal was like less than 7 days ago asshole!”  I assumed after another 67 attempts that you’d finally get the damn picture you know?
But. You. Kept. FUCKING. CALLING. Me.

And so I picked up one last time Steve. I kept my cool and I very clearly repeated myself to you.

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“I am not ready. I’d really appreciate if you let me call when I AM ready. This is my business phone STEVE. Please remove me from you list ASAP. And THANK YOU AGAIN, Steve!” tumblr_mf1e2rAOBO1ro2d43

He’s not worth it E. Be the bigger person. 

So look STEVE. I just wanted you to know that:

  • Your desperate sales techniques are too saucy and overdone and soggy and EXTRA and the only thing in this world that’s allowed to be all of those things all at once is THIS FUCKING BLOG, ya feel me kid?
  • You’re a douchebag
  • You’re massively misrepresenting your Blah-fucking-blah company by leading me to believe that you have no fucking clients, which means I don’t trust you.
  • Also, you’re a douchebag
  • You’ve convinced me you’re a fraud and possibly a scam. You’re like the spam of emails and you’ll forever just automatically land yourself in that shit-category of my abandoned and neglected life-inbox.
  • Also, you’re a douchebag
  • Also, fuck you Steve.
  • And you’re a douchebag
  • Call me ONE. more. time. I triple doggy dare you. Go ‘head. Do it. 

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Good day Sir.

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PS- Hey Paul? We need to get Samwich and Stevenator here together for that job searching thing, eh?

8 thoughts on “Dear Steve;”

  1. Hahaha are you me? I think you’re me. Or you just live in my head.

    1. After the third nickname you gave Steve, I thought, hmmm I wonder where she got this from? Then you acknowledged it at the end!

    2. Last week for some reason I Googled the Blue Clues guy to see what he was up to and found out he left the show because he was starting to go bald and didn’t want to turn into an old man on TV. NOW you’re writing about him in blog posts.

    3. I don’t answer those long distance numbers either and voicemail messages give me diarrhea (Ok, not literally. I was going for a laugh there.) I got a call a couple of weeks ago from a California number. I didn’t answer. THEY LEFT A MESSAGE. I listened to the message and it’s like “Paul, my name is blah blah from the police department. Call me so I can help you etc. If you don’t call me in 24 hrs, all I have to say to you is good luck. WHAT KIND OF CREEPY NONSENSE IS THAT? That message made me sweat. How does he know my name. Granted he sounded robotic and I’ve never met a robot before. So then I Google this case a potential scam and sure enough it’s been happening SINCE 2011. WHAT THE BELL?

    Side note, I saw something on Twitter today where this person wrote a book called “Text, don’t call.” I’m sad I didn’t think of that first.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What?! Lol! This is awesome. I can assure you however that I’m not in your head. I’m in Miami Florida and I’m barely even find my way around my own head so getting to YOURS would be quite the journey! And since you’re no longer a nautical captain, I’m assuming your navigational skills aren’t as up to par as your speech writing ones?

      I can’t believe Steve! He went bald and is like singing or something. I think that’s creepy. The way he was so sneaky about it doesn’t rub me well. Get a grip Steve. Men go bald EVERY day. They don’t run off and just let the world think they DIED. Geez.

      Also, I was MAJORLY scammed once. I’ll have to write about that but it’s almost too embarrassing to write! So so bad…..

      And you could have SO thought up that book first Paul! You’re slow steppin! That’s genius and you’re a genius it was supposed to be you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. When I’ve gone on road trips, I’m normally the navigator haha. I say “Drive straight” a lot!

        I always found Blues Clues kinda creepy in the first place. Like there were actually people who sat in a board room and concocted that thing.

        Yes! Write about your scamming!

        I know, I’m slipping in the genius category. My book will be called, “Nap now, procrastinate later” or something.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Are we?!?! I mean when I lived in Buffalo I was like on the border of Canada and it was just Niagara Falls- so I figured I’d fall right in if you kept saying go straight! I’m very geographically confused now. I’m going to go study a map. Damn it lol 😂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. LOL I was talking about your President metaphorically sending the country over a cliff. Ahahahaha
        Fun fact, I went to university 5 minutes from Niagara Falls/Buffalo.

        Liked by 1 person

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