I hate how no matter the time or day
your parking lots are overcrowded;
And by the time I find a space
from my scalp, 4 new grey hairs have sprouted.
I hate how when grandma tags along
I can never find an electric cart.
And when I finally hunt one down
it never wants to fucking start.
So let’s just make little grandma walk,
never mind her arthritis, never mind her heart.
I hate the way it’s blistering cold
the minute that you walk inside.
And of course I left my skiing jacket at home
This IS Miami and it’s 206 degrees as fuck outside!
I hate how some of you are “24 hours”’round the clock,
yet it’s 2AM and every aisle’s now blocked
by cardboard forts of shit to be restocked;
So now you’re telling me I can’t get through
to reach my must-have witty knee-high socks?!
What the foxin’FOX?!
I hate how your employees
have no clue where they’re standing;
I mean heaven help you if you have a question
whether in English, or Spanish they’re NOT fucking understanding-
“Hi Sir, in what aisle can I find the shaving cream?”
“Aisle 23, said Sir. Yep. Right next to the frozen peas, you mean?
Fucking seriously??? Someone shoot me please.
I hate how 16 out of 18 registers are never lit up;
and by the time I get to pay my stuff
I may as well have walked to and from Europe.
And don’t get me started on your bitchy cashier ladies-
how they sigh, roll their eyes and get annoyed by crying babies-
(well maybe if you’d speed it up we’d get outta your hair quicker, sloth-lady!)
I hate that when I’m there, I have the worst of social luck;
running into people I haven’t seen in 12 years will always truly suck;
and for small-talk and a fake “life is great!”I just don’t give a fuck.
And it’s always on a day, where I’m a mess from head to toe.
Greasy hair, unmatched socks, and eyebrows over-plucked… ya know?
I hate how you have that awkward man standing by the door
with a yellow highlighter on deck;
He’s supposed to make sure we’re not stealing from your store
but just highlights and smiles…NEVER once even checks!
Plus the guy’s almost 98, so what if I were to steal?
By the time he even notices
he’s had 3 heart attacks, a stroke, and missed 4 meals!
I hate the way your Hispanic foods, are always segregated;
And despite that you’re in a melting pot of a state
you keep the GOYA brand of beans separated?
Did Trump put you fuckers up to this?
I bet he’s never even tried a Cuban dish, that dick.
I say A BEAN IS A BEAN and this game is sick;
I say keep the fucking beans united
and make WAL-MART GREAT AGAIN you pricks.
But mostly I hate
the way I don’t hate you,
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all.
And if you have never seen 10 Things I Hate About You… lol well…then you just won’t get that ending now will ya?
And just for poops and giggles: