Happy Monday Humans! Just feed me coffee and tell me I’m pretty!
Ok so. In honor of my beyond-human, is-it-even-possible-to-drown-myself-in-coffee-but-like-from-the-inside, so-addicted-to-coffee-even-the-addiction-is-addicted..caffeine addiction, here are some totally relatable java feels:
I’m also feeling extra giving today, so here are two little life hacks for all of my fellow over-caffeinators: (I swear I’m the rocket scientist who thought these up, but If I’m wrong and you do these things too- feel free to bring me down from cloud #8765 labeled: “I’m pretty sure I’m an inventor and I should quit my day job” because seriously, I need to pay my mortagage and that requires a level of maturity and realism that I (as you are learning) tend to lack.
Hack #1: Sip your coffee through a straw and I mean the hot ones too! Why? I’m so happy that you asked! Because yellow teeth aren’t cute. Sipping through straws avoids the stuff from behaving like brown mouthwash and staining out bright whites. As a side note, we should be careful not to do this with extremely hot drinks. I’m not a fan of yellow teeth but I’m even less a fan of the carcinogens that a heated plastic straw could potentially release into my body, ultimately leading me to die from cancer. From a straw. But then wouldn’t it actually be the coffee that killed me? Are you listening Universe? I have questions with regards to my death. Get to it. I’ll wait.
Hack #2: You know those little “sleeves” the baristas put on our hot drinks so that we can’t technically sue them? Well I use these on my iced coffees!!! HELLO! Sometimes they’re so cold they actually burn the palm of my hand ( another potential lawsuit?!) or the the cup starts dripping wet from the outside so now, it can slip out of my hands and then you have one pissed off lady without her coffee. So yes. Sleeves are my saviors!
I know. I know. You’re welcome!
BY-THE-WAY-MEMO: Should you have fallen a victim to my off-the-wall obscene post last night- here is my formal apology:
You weren’t expecting “I’m sorry” were you? In my defense, I was Cuban-girl-caffeine-wasted and I am NOT responsible for such inappropriate fuckeries. And while it’s out of my character, I’ve removed the post because well, it is Monday and that’s when we regret all-of-the-weekend-things. Also because I do have family out there who can access the internet and there are like 6 children in this world who haven’t yet crossed those kinds of Google-boundaries. So can we just pretend that never happened? Great. Thanks.
Other Notable Monday Thoughts:
- I don’t get paid till Friday. I couldn’t afford my coffee this morning. I bought it anyways. Gas is SO overrated.
- I also didn’t bring lunch to work because it stayed on my kitchen counter. But I mean, who needs food when I got the coffee right? OVERRATED!
- I really need to get tinted windows on my car. Every SINGLE time I’m stopped at a red light, I feel the people in the car next to me breathing into my ear. Can strangers NOT stare? How awkward can you fucking be? That’s when I distract my anxiety by pretending to make a phone call. Because who the fuck wants to talk to me at 7 in the morning and listen to my rants about how awkward people in cars actually are.
- I was supposed to catch up on “work” last night from home. Turns out I ended up on a blog-rampage and things went a little too far about monkeys and sex and now I’m at work wishing I would have been more productive so that I can make enough money to buy coffee (and feed my kids. Whatever. They’re alive).
- Some douchebag got caught on blast (live on the radio) intentionally lying about his best friend’s MOM dying, just so that he can runaway from his girlfriend for a weekend of waterpark fun! WOW! Just WOW! There are way too many bitches dressed up as men these days. That is all.