Soul-Searching Rants, Witty Rants


It’s 2 in the morning here in Miami (is good morning fitting)? And because I’m up designing a cake consisting of hand-making dozens of fondant succulents from Hell, I made an educated decision to ingest a caffeine stimulant a couple of hours ago.

Except my mind faltered (surprrriissseee!) and I also made myself  not one, but TWO Cuban lattes.


What would naturally lead you to believe that this lethal concoction has me feeling like I have a seventh sense (I already had the sixth one: I see stupid people. I know. I have it a lot less traumatizing than the kid) tumblr_mq107k17ye1sp9fcho1_500

or like the world’s most productively cracked-out-side-baker,!has had quite the total opposite effect on me. Like I usually start getting super paranoid at this time, san the caffeine streaming violently through my blood vessels, as if they were on a white-water-rafting trip. And come to think of it, red blood cells do kind of resemble pretty cool floats! :::5 points on the METAPHOR-SCOREBOARD!:::

RedBloodCells3So I’m currently hallucinating. There are shadows creeping up and down my hallway and I’m hearing noises that I presume to be the chatters of at least 52 lost souls who need me to hunt down some stupid people for them.

 But listen up Spooksters, I’m all swamped up with this cake that I’m completely avoiding at 2:45 am and also with this nonsense post that is going nowhere kinda like you guys, so you’re gonna have to am-scray back to your middle-world. K? 

Before you go though, where is that anyways? Like there’s Heaven, and Hell and then the “in-between world” but is that like, higher than airplanes can go but not past the atmosphere kind of middle? Or are we talking like Mid-Town, where all the hip people hang? And do you get to drink coffee? And if you do, does it just fall right out of you like in Casper? 

And since you’re the “middle-men” does that mean Jesus and Satan treat you like an eternal game of Monkey-In-Middle except they’re tossing your chance to come back to life back and forth and so you’re REALLY into the game while they’re hysterically laughing it up?

What?!?! All valid quest….hold on let me get a quick re-up:


And oh man! Guys! you’re not going to even BELIE-


In steps the narrator for (please read with the most country-ish accent possible) 


Well :::nervous chuckle::: Howdy there ya’ll! Now..I reckon we lost connection with the writer folks. But don’t ya’ll worr-


I … Wait… can’…..he….llo? I… no… can’t…hear…lost…

Ya’ll there? Yeeeee-lllow!? Oh dear gracious not again! Ok you’re back now! Haha you don’ almost scared the holy ghost outta me ya’ll!  Now.. seems we’re back in action folks so let me just let the Fox know. My oh my where EVER did she scurry to?! She’s so crazy that fox! I don’t know what happ..


Now Wait..hold on a sec folks. It seems as though there’s….hold on…hold on…What in heaven’s…. Oh I see.. oh dear. Oh my… oh.. 

Folks. We just received breaking news from WTFOMG-WP Channel 31 News and it looks like they’re coming to us live right from the Fox’s brain ya’ll.  It seems an unfortunate tragedy has struck folks. Here’s live footage of what has just happened to our little fox’s brain….oh just.. dear sweet baby Jesus.


Reports are claiming this a self-inflicted mental atomic bomb explosion, evidently set off by a lethal mix of Cuban Coffee and other unidentified caffeine supplements. They’re calling it the disaster of the century folks. Why I never…what a sad moment folks. 

But now hold on.. let’s keep our blog-spirits high now ya’ll listen up and listen good! Don’t you reader(s) dare give up on my Fox! She’s made it to 20-ish readers and she done told me! She done told me she would stop at nothin’ to make somethin’ of this here. I know this Fox  and she will  survives this! I guarantee you she’ll be back in NO TIME folks! Don’t worry none of them little hairs on ya heads ya’ll! 

Now let’s have a moment of silence for our Fox’s brain. I’ll let ya’ll know soon as I get ANY updates folks!



7 thoughts on “Brainplosion.”

  1. Hahaha yer ridiculous. Oh sorry, still had my country accent on. The timing of your GIFs is excellent. I think that middle-world is the one we’re living in and if this where people end up after they die, then they’re reincarnated as something dull like a Stop sign or an ant.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OH MAH GERD. (I don’t have GERD). And damn it. I reckon I’m coming back as toilet paper. Because God (or whatever) is gonna be all “Yea well. Ya wiped yer ass with ME and er-one else all yer life little lady so take THIS for some Holy-Karma! (And YES, the cowboy upstairs has a country accent in case you didn’t already know)!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “The cowboy upstairs” hahah. I’m sure there will be something more bounty-ful (see what I did there? Bounty the brand…I should go to sleep) for you than toilet paper if you’re sent to the middle world.

        Liked by 1 person

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